Bonus!
Once our oldest daughter was born, I quit work and stayed home with our children. It was reducing to one income that forced us to pinch pennies. We had mouths to feed and only so much money to buy that food. I’ve listed some ways that we have implemented to bring down our costs.
These are some of the savings I have found when trying to balance the budget. They are tried and true.
Money is a huge issue for marriages, and the financial times we are currently enduring have taken their toll on many families. But we can take control of this area of our marriages and make it what it needs to be. When we make the choice to keep spending under control, everyone benefits, including our children.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 30th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: communication, cop marriage, law enforcement marriage, police marriage, police wives
Keep Your Money Life Intact
It Can Be Better
Are we destined to always struggle with our money? How much is enough? Will there ever be enough? Like Ted, does your husband feel the pressure of providing for the family yet feel as if the debt gets bigger as the hopes grow smaller to ever reach your goals? If so you’re not alone. Unlike most relational things, there actually is a formula to solve our financial woes.
I recently heard two cop wives talking about their finances. They were both on the same money plan and were comparing notes.
“Where are you in the process?” asked Barbara.
“We are now debt-free, except for the mortgage,” Eve said with a smile.
“Wow! That was quick!”
“We had a lot of things to sell,” explained Eve, “Then we took the money and paid off debt. We found a renter for our big house, and now we have a down payment on a smaller home in a better community. It’s all been working out very well. We don’t have to count on Ben’s overtime anymore. How about you?”
“We have about a year and a half, and we’ll be debt free. We’ve whittled our expenses down to the point that we have extra money each month that goes toward paying off our credit cards. It is so freeing!”
The plan that Barbara and Eve were speaking of is Dave Ramsay’s “Total Money Makeover.” His book of the same name shares a simple yet smart plan to get out of debt as soon as possible and then use your money to build wealth in smart ways. Brent and I took a money class shortly after we were married. The class was called Master Your Money, by Ron Blue. We learned some great principles for managing our finances. More recently we read Ramsay’s book together. His ideas and principles were very timely.
Whether you choose Dave Ramsay, Ron Blue, or something else, the point is to have an agreed upon plan. If you are currently in a difficult place financially, there is hope. Get creative. It’s amazing to watch your money make the shift from burden to delight as you get spending under control and see it grow. It’ll be one more thing under control in your law enforcement life. And that makes a huge difference!
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 23rd, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: communication, cop marriage, law enforcement marriage, Law Enforcement Spouse, police marriage, police wives
Money Talks
Ted and Sarah have difficulty talking about money, as it is a constant source of conflict. Ted gets frustrated that he works hard to bring in the money and they never seem to get ahead. Sarah naturally avoids conflict, so she inadvertently sabotages their efforts by not communicating with Ted about upcoming bills. This of course angers Ted and adds late charges to an already tight budget.
Even though money seems like it should be handled without emotion, it isn’t. So much of who we are is wrapped up in our money! For men the traditional role as provider says a lot about who they are as a man. The expectations have been built up into status. If you make a lot of money, you are a success. If you don’t, not so much!
For women, we tend to view money as security. If we have money, we don’t have to worry about where to live, what we wear, and what we eat. If we are short on money, we tend to worry.
Rich and Anna didn’t have a large income, but they made it work. However, Rich felt that because he worked hard he deserved a nice truck. He spent a lot of money on his trucks while Anna scrimped and saved and did odd jobs to feed and clothe the kids. Over the years Anna and Rich had many arguments, and eventually Anna took over the management of the money. She didn’t give Rich much to spend, so when Rich got an overtime check, he’d cash it and spend it without telling her.
How you handle money can build trust or be a source of mistrust. Typically, every couple has a spender and a saver. And unless the two have agreed upon goals and budgets, the constant push and pull of the money can be destructive to a marriage. The solution lies in acknowledging our shortcomings and for both to be involved in money management. We need to ask ourselves the hard questions and then answer honestly:
• Are we both committed to improving this area?
• Who is the saver, who is the spender?
• What are our individual responsibilities?
• What do we both want from our money?
• Where can we cut our spending to invest in our future?
• When do we waver in our control of spending?
• How did we get ourselves into the debt we have? How will we get out?
• Are we a slave to our home, striving to make the payments?
• Is our money working for us, or against us?
• How deep are we willing to cut luxuries to ease financial stress?
Have a regular business meeting with your husband to get on top of things. When we are proactive about communicating, especially when it comes to money, it will have an accumulating effect much like the emotional bank account. For the one who does most of the money business, it’ll really help him/you feel a lighter burden.
To keep our money life intact, we need some guiding principles. Then we need a plan based on those principles. I’ve included some financial guidelines that Brent and I have learned and tried to practice over the years.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 16th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: communication, cop marriage, law enforcement, Marriage, money issues, police marriage, police wives
How Do You Spell Relief?
Whether the issues that you face in your marriage are a result of his job or relational differences or other outside pressures, there is a likelihood that at some point you will want to give up. Even the best marriages have occasional long winter seasons, and we are human.
For sixteen months, Brent lived out of town during the week while he commanded another area. Then he transferred to a local position but took on the most challenging job of his life. I saw him more, but for the first few months he came home and promptly fell asleep on the couch. His job took more and more of his energy, concentration, and time. Then personal hard times hit. It was very difficult. After many months of seemingly impossible demands at work and at home, I saw a change in his behavior. He became withdrawn, angry, forgetful, and, at times, almost victim-like. This wasn’t like him. For awhile, I was concerned for him. But then I became more concerned about me.
“How long will this last?” led to “I don’t want to be treated like this,” which led to “I don’t deserve this.” That led to “I don’t have to take this anymore!”
I started detaching myself, entertaining thoughts of escape. It became a big temptation that consumed several days a week. I stopped fighting for us in my mind. I was letting go, giving up. With each squabble and each let-down, I found myself drifting farther and farther away and hurting more and more.
It was the first time in our marriage that I considered leaving. It was a very strong temptation. Frankly I just wanted out. I needed relief.
We took a vacation to the beach in southern California, and I wondered how to tell him where I was. We bumped along through the week, and I felt so distant. He was in the same room, but I felt we’d grown miles apart. One day we took a trip to the zoo with the kids. As we got into the car, we had an argument, and that was the final straw. All the way home it was over for me. I’d had enough. I didn’t want this anymore.
After dinner I went for a walk on the beach to clear my head. As I walked toward the ocean, I noticed a really cool sandcastle that someone had built that day. It was fortified with thick little towers around it and stones and a moat. Someone spent a lot of time building it.
The tide was coming in. A wave lapped at the fortress that surrounded it, and suddenly I was riveted. For the next hour, I watched as wave after wave washed bits of the castle away. The fortress was the first to go. Then the waves methodically carved a hole in the back side of the castle I couldn’t see. Suddenly the top fell off, and the waves washed it away within minutes. Then a large wave swept up, and the rest of the castle split in half. My chest tightened, and I caught a sob. My eyes filled with tears as I realized that, to me, it was not a sandcastle disappearing but my own home.
I heard a whisper: “Are you gonna do this to your family?”
I wept as the tide completely wiped the sandcastle away, leaving only the stones that garnished the fortress. It was as if it had never existed. And I heard that still, small, but firm voice ask me again, “Are you going to do this to Brent? To your kids? Everything you’ve built will be for nothing. And for what?”
I looked up at the blurred stars through my tear-filled eyes. “No,” I decided, “No, I cannot do this. No! I will not leave.”
I listened to the waves crashing on the shore and gained a little strength.
“No, I will not do this to my husband. I will not destroy my family.”
The hurt still burned in my heart. But I decided to stay. And then I decided to recommit myself to loving my husband no matter what he was going through.
After that night I had to re-train my mind to think positively about Brent and our relationship. It took a couple weeks, but then I realized that he was hurting too. He was burnt out. He was empty, weary, and he needed me! So I reached out with a new attitude and started actively loving him again even though not much changed on his end at first. I loved him first out of compassion but then with fervency.
Then things began to change. He relaxed. Work seemed to ease up. We started laughing together. Twenty days after the sandcastle moment, he presented me with a beautiful little song that he had heard and thought it could be ours. This meant so much to me! It seemed that once I decided to stay, my recommitment encouraged him and lifted him out of the place he was in.
Think We, Not Me
As I look back, I realize that I let myself get really self-focused. It became more about me than we. And when times are tough, this is a recipe for failure.
That night on the beach reminded me of something else. After the sandcastle disappeared, I looked to my right and saw some large rocks that some condominiums were built upon. I realized that Brent and I had built our relationship on a strong foundation of trust, mutual respect, and unconditional love. We were undergoing some strong storms of life and had been pelted and worn down. But because our foundation was strong, we would not fail. Our life together would not disappear like a castle built on sand; it would stand the test of time.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" August 21st, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: law enforcement marriage, Marriage, police marriage, police wives, relationships
Take Time to Recover
The third stage is to take time to recover. Try to get some time off and get away for a change of scenery. Build positive memories. Take a break from extra-curricular activities that create more busyness. Make sure your family gets rest. If your relationship is at a relational deficit, then start making deposits.
This is also a good time to set some new boundaries relating to the issue. Perhaps you both need to stop spending time with friends who drink heavily and find other avenues for friendship. Maybe you both need to set some boundaries with activities that aggravate issues. Follow the avenues of healthy support. You also have the unique position to help him get the nourishment he needs through healthy meals and exercise. In fact, eating right and exercising are essential for his (and your) healing.
What I’m suggesting here is for the both of you. His crisis affects you in a huge way. Things you go through affect him as well because your lives are intertwined. You both need time to recover and to heal. In some cases it could be a lengthy road. You’ll need this time to remain patient while the problems are resolved.
Being Strong When We Feel Weak
Years ago the mentor I met with while a newlywed was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor. Debbie was given six months to live but died in five. During that time I too was dealing with internal hurts that needed healing. It was really tough. A wise friend of mine encouraged me to watch for what I could learn during this time. “Find purpose in the pain,” she said. I’d never done that before, and in the midst of it all, it seemed impossible.
But it wasn’t. With the help and support of my husband, eventually I viewed the end of Debbie’s life as a new beginning for me. Debbie had imparted a bit of her heart into mine, and this I could hold on to. Incredibly, the final piece of my healing was put into place through a conversation at her funeral. And although I miss her even now, in a way I keep Debbie alive as I carry forward what she taught me.
When you are going through painful seasons of life, challenge yourself. Try to find purpose amidst the pain. What can you learn? What can you carry forward? How can you have victory over what seems like defeat?
When life is topsy-turvy, we need to be held up by our foundations and support system (see chapters six and seven). There may be a tendency to withdraw when things are tough, but it is when we need others all the more. A timely phone call or a meal provided is very uplifting. You never know what kindnesses others will offer when you are in crisis.
As a person of faith, I turn to God for comfort. He has been my refuge and strength in the midst of some very hard times.
The last bit of help may just come from your own attitude. It may sound strange, but when you are going through tough times, be thankful. Sometimes you might have to start with being thankful your situation isn’t worse than it is! It may seem like your life is in shambles, but there is always something small (or large) to be thankful for. You will be surprised how being grateful will lift your spirits!
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" August 14th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
How to Deal with His Crisis
Whatever crises our husbands undergo, they need us, and they need us to be strong. Depending on the circumstances, we could be the ones who are there for him to talk out some of the emotion. But when it’s too big for us, we can come alongside and love them enough to get them the help they need. Whatever they are dealing with, they need to know they aren’t alone.
Our husbands, however, may not want to be “fixed.” It’s their deal, and they want to work it out. In this situation, perhaps they don’t understand the effects on us and our children. Maybe ego is a factor. Maybe they have adopted a cultural view that police officers are supposed to be tough and not show weakness. Sometimes they need space to work out the answer rather than depending on us too much.
Depending on your husband’s department, there may be a stigma against bringing up stress. In some cases, doing so may jeopardize their career. For many years, the culture of law enforcement has been to ignore responses to trauma. These responses have been labeled as weakness. Fortunately, the thinking within law enforcement circles is gradually changing into thinking that trauma is a natural response to the unnatural incidents that our cops experience. While this new way of thinking is slowly making its way throughout the country, it isn’t yet universal. If this is the case for your husband, he’ll need a safe listener, and it may need to be you.
There are three stages of dealing with his crisis. First, identify the problem beneath the symptoms. Seek the cause to the effect. I’ve listed some things here, but this is by no means all there is. Do some research online. Talk with a seasoned wife or another officer you trust. If your department does have resources, by all means take advantage of them.
There are a few practical things you can do as his wife while dealing with his crisis:
• Create a safe place to come home to. Be ready to listen without judgment or fearful reaction. Spend good, quality time with him in his off-duty time.
• Make an appointment for him to get a physical. Stress can take a toll on his body. Nip health problems in the bud.
• As much as you can, create delicious, healthy meals for your family. Stress tends to increase a desire for junk.
• Discourage making important decisions when he is overwhelmed.
• Maintain normalcy with life. Routine can keep balance in the midst of trials.
• Write down your feelings through the journey. When you’re on the other side, you can look back and see how far you both have come.
Second, deal with it head on. It is so important for us as wives to support them in a way that is not codependent. We want to understand and support them as our husbands, but that doesn’t mean making excuses for their behavior. If there is a problem, treat it as reality and work toward a solution. If it’s an issue like burnout he’s dealing with, that could be easily identified and worked through without professionals. But if it’s bigger and deeper, seek help.
Resources Available
Talk with someone safe. Find out if your husband’s department has programs designed to help in each of these issues. If so, make sure that there is confidentiality and then proceed. A police chaplaincy program is another potentially valuable resource. There are many avenues of crisis intervention, and they are designed to discreetly come alongside.
Check if your department has an employee assistance program. They are designed to help police officers get the help they need, sometimes even paying for counseling. Inquire if your husband’s department has a peer support program where other officers have gone through something similar, and join with your loved one to help them through the recovery process. Some departments also offer support groups for related issues.
Religious communities and organizations throughout the country and abroad have many different resources as well. Counseling, support groups and programs, books, and radio programs are designed to come alongside and provide encouragement, support, and guidance.
If these avenues have been tried, and still your officer is struggling, consider an intensive retreat. Two facilities exist in the United States to treat problems related to PTSD and critical incident stress. In California there is the West Coast Post-trauma Retreat. The On-Site Academy is located in Massachusetts. These three- to five-day retreats are held monthly and are designed to help emergency personnel who are overwhelmed by a critical incident or other job-related trauma. The resources section at the back of this book contains contact information.
Through these resources, build your support system. Don’t hesitate if you feel your man is in trouble. His life and your marriage depend on it.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" August 7th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: anger management, law enforcement marriage, police marriage, police wife, police wives, suicide
This is not a political post. The one thing I dislike about politics is that people are divided, placed into different groups and sometimes pitted against each other. If you’ve read my posts for very long, you understand that I advocate bringing people together despite their differences, learning to communicate in a way that brings about unity. So, with that said, I’d like to tell you a story about a man who has made a difference in my life.
My family and I went to the Reagan Library yesterday, and though we’d been there before, I was surprised to learn a few things.
When I was born 47 years ago, Ronald Reagan was finishing up the last few months of his successful campaign for Governor of California. From that point on, he was someone from a distance who overshadowed my life.
Reagan was my first vote for President at 18 – even though I had no idea what he stood for politically. He was respected and handsome and was doing a great job already, so I voted for him.
Then, a few years later, I was in the country of Hungary, on my way to Romania for the summer. My friend and I had gone into a bathroom on a pitstop near the train. The bathroom attendant was a short old woman in a tunic and scarf. Lines were etched on her face and she was missing several teeth. She heard my friend and I talking, and asked, “Polis?” “No,” I replied. “American.” At that point she said a few things in her own language, approached me and took me by the arms. “Awwww….” she smiled and looked up into my eyes. “Reagan….” she giggled. “REAGAN!!!”
I nodded, not understanding what the heck was going on. We returned to the train, and journeyed into a dark place… Romania.
It was very different back then, in Eastern Europe. It was as if World War II was still a luminous shadow upon the land – communism had beaten the people down for decades, and there was military and government control over the people. They had no freedom, no choices, no voice, and no hope.
In Romania, the militia were armed with Uzis on every corner, striking fear in all of those around. The Romanian government was starving it’s people – we witnessed fights in bread lines, and their meat was unrecognizable; there were stores only foreigners could buy food from. At night, the people were only aloud one small light in their homes, and the length of that was rationed. Although the Romanian people were very proud of their medical care, we saw horribly diseased people. I saw one man whose legs were missing from high thigh. He “walked” on them, using wooden blocks to protect his hands, and his suit pants dragged behind. We were told of failed escape attempts, where people were shot as they ran for the razor-wire fences. If you were a person of faith, you were considered an enemy of the state. We talked with people who were beaten, starved and imprisoned for years because they dared to meet together to worship God and receive teaching from the Bible. We heard stories of the cruelty of the Dictator and his wife, and saw from a distance the palace he was building for himself – stealing the country’s food supply and selling it to other countries to pay for it. It was later shown that even bathroom fixtures were gilded in gold. The royal couple were absolutely hated, yet the factory workers were forced to clap, sing and wave flags when they showed up with cameras. We saw these staged rallies on television often during our stay.
These images jarred me out of my young careless stupor of what the world held outside American borders. As I saw the oppression of the people and was witness to the sobbing prayers of people crying for relief, I began to feel their pain.
That trip forever changed me. I came back extremely thankful I was an American.
What I didn’t know is that at the same time I was traveling to Eastern Europe, President Reagan, angry after Gorbachev pulled a fast one in their peace talks, challenged him in a speech near the Berlin Wall. “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” It was a challenge from a brave man who dared to speak of things that shouldn’t be, and against the recommendations of his Cabinet. He’d been given the opportunity by God to speak – and he didn’t back down. It was the beginning of the end of communism in Eastern Europe.
That little old lady in the bathroom in Hungary had been given HOPE, and she was celebrating it with a 20-year-old American who didn’t yet have a clue.
Two years later, on Christmas Day 1989, I watched on television as the people of Romania, with help from their own militia, captured Dictator Ceaucescu and his wife, and executed them. The Berlin Wall was torn down several weeks earlier by the German people. Families were reunited after decades of living on opposite sides of the wall. Though Reagan had already concluded his presidency, the movement he set in motion had come to the people.
This is a great inspiration to me. To see injustices cease; to see people rising in freedom and hope, was deeply meaningful. It made me believe that anything was possible.
Yesterday I sat in a garden in the Simi Valley, gazing upon a section of the Berlin Wall that was given to Ronald Reagan as a gift. I took a picture of my kids next to it – an image that speaks to me of the victories over oppression. Having dwelt in the shadows of this oppression for two months, it is deeply satisfying.
So, why am I writing this in a blog to police families? What does the inspiration of Ronald Reagan have to do with those in uniform?
We as police families have been given key positions in our communities. Our spouses – and by extension, us – have the ability to affect change. Through the work that is done every day, every night, they keep the peace, making sure that anarchy does not reign in America. Peace officers have the opportunity to take criminals off the streets, speak a word in a crucial moment, open the eyes of careless citizens, and even to show kindness to those who are rarely shown kindness. Even a little of each of these can give people hope, improving the lives of Americans. It’s an amazing responsibility we have as crucial parts of America’s communities.
With that responsibility comes sacrifice. And those of us who support officers from home can name those sacrifices and tell stories about those sacrifices, and sometimes even resent those sacrifices. Ronald Reagan was one who understood the responsibility of his position, and with the love of his wife, courageously set forth to change the world.
May we do the same.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" August 4th, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: Berlin Wall, change, communism, police families, police wives, Ronald Reagan
Fifteen Is Enough!
A few years back, Brent and I were getting ready for bed at the end of the day when he checked his Blackberry one last time. Another suicide. It was number fifteen for our department in a period of four years. I cried out, “Another one?! What are we doing?!” I didn’t know it at the time, but it was quite a prophetic question. I was referring to the department—how will they respond? But actually the more I asked the question, I realized that I might be able to do something as well.
I don’t know what it was about the number fifteen, but it seemed like everyone jumped into action. Number fifteen pushed the panic button, and we awoke. The department began talking about suicide openly. Our officers’ association published a double-page ad in their monthly newsletter: “Call for Backup,” with a picture of a glass of alcohol and a gun. We implemented awareness seminars across the state and set up debriefing sessions with those who knew the suicide victims. We educated ourselves. We decided as a department to hit suicide head on, deal with it as the reality it was, not a deniable secret hovering in the shadows.
In my own research, I learned that almost always the one who commits suicide just ended a significant relationship. When a life is going sideways, others are affected in a big way. Helplessness, blame, an inability to get a handle on problems, and depression (among other things) will push away those who are close. When things are falling apart, and hope seems to have been lost, the natural tendency is to get out quickly. The boat is sinking, and our survival instincts say, “Abandon ship!” Sometimes this is one more reason for those contemplating suicide.
This book is part of my own action against suicide. I care about the mental and emotional health of my husband and those he works alongside. If by sharing my own struggles I can encourage other wives to hang tough through the hard stuff, maybe suicide won’t be such an attractive option to their officers. If educating law enforcement spouses about these realities equips them to deal positively with the negatives, then perhaps marriages will be saved. If our officers know they have backup at home, perhaps they will be more courageous to get the help they need.
Symptoms of Suicide
So how can we discern if our spouse is contemplating suicide? By watching and listening for the symptoms. Sometimes there are signs of PTSD, whether from one specific incident, or a collection of events over time. If they don’t deal with the trauma, they risk depression, which can be a precursor to suicide. If your officer is having trouble reconciling these thoughts, he may be at risk. According to several articles on police suicide, a typical profile of a suicide candidate is a white male, 35 years of age, separated or divorced, using alcohol or drugs, and having recently experienced a loss or disappointment. They may have made out a recent will, bought a weapon, or appear to be getting their affairs in order. There is generally a significant mood change—either better or worse. They may exhibit signs of anxiety, frustration, or confusion.
I once heard suicide referred to as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But in the midst of it, the problem seems permanent. Sometimes it takes another level head to discern what is going on in the big picture. This is where you come in. Learn to recognize the symptoms. If your officer seems like he’s at risk, don’t abandon him or ignore the symptoms. Fight for him! Find help immediately.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" July 29th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: cop marriage, law enforcement marriage, Marriage, police marriage, police wives, suicide
It was a beautiful day in Yosemite National Park and about fifteen of us decided to take an easy, one-hour hike around Mirror Lake.
Little did we know it would take us most of the day.
We started out, a motley crew of family and friends ranging in age from six weeks to 80 years, conversing along the paved way. We leisurely hiked about two-thirds around the lake when we came to a barricade that said, “Warning! Landslide damage. Trail ends here.” Being the adventurous type and rationalizing it would take twice as long to turn back, we said to each other, “How bad could it be?”
We forged ahead until we came to the actual landslide. White rocks ranging in size from toasters to houses were toppled upon one another, with huge trees laying on their sides at the bottom. The area covered about three acres. To traverse over this seemed a daunting task with the small children and elderly present. Unbelievably, we went for it. Up and down, rock to rock, tree to tree, we got all fifteen of us across the debris with only minor scrapes. We regrouped on the other side, taking swigs of water and eating trail mix, chuckling about our ordeal, and amazed everyone made it intact.
On the journey through life, there will be hazards that show up along the way. They may seem impossible, but the only way to go is through them. I’ve pulled a few principles from our Yosemite hike that I think are very applicable to hard times in our lives.
First, we got through the debris one step at a time. There were rocks upon rocks, and some of them were not steady. We had to test each rock as we moved forward and side to side, taking the most sure and stable route. When life gets tough, maneuvering through pain and consequences can be pretty tricky. You may see where you hope to be at the end, but the path to get there may be riddled with uncertainty. Taking each step slowly and steadily minimizes pitfalls that come with a difficult journey.
Second, some hikers needed help to get across. We took turns carrying the two-year-old and lending extra support to the mom who had the six-week-old baby strapped to her front as well as the grandparents. When things get tough, we need to lean on our support systems to get us safely to the other side. Sharing each other’s loads is not only necessary for survival, but bonding can be a byproduct. By the end of the day we felt a special kinship with each other through what we’d been through.
One of the hikers was really fearful for the children. She was really angry at why we were in this situation. I was a little surprised, because she is usually very level-headed. My husband told me later that just a week earlier her son slipped and fell with his newborn son in his arms and dropped the baby. She saw the whole thing happen. The trauma of that situation carried over into seeing another grandchild in potential danger. The third thing to remember is when we go through tough times, past hurts may ignite anger or fear. Past hurts tend to complicate things. Understanding, acknowledging and communicating this will help you navigate your response.
No sooner did we rejoin the trail, when we heard a huge crack and rumble from above. Thunder and lightening filled the sky, and then the downpour started. We were soaked to the bone by the time we reached our bus stop. Sometimes, when one trial ends, another one begins. And then another. It’s just the way life happens sometimes. We dealt with this by laughing. Most of us kept our sense of humor intact. Just moments before we got soaked, we were all sweaty from climbing over rocks and trees. We joked about not needing showers anymore. When life is one trouble after another, sometimes it’s just good to laugh in the midst of it. Laughter is also contagious.
The last thing is we never gave up. We kept moving forward, helping each other, talking it through. Once we made it to some shelter to escape the downpour, some of the teenagers decided to run all the way back to our campground. We were all exhausted, but they made it fun by going that extra mile.
Don’t give up!
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" July 25th, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: Hard Times, law enforcement, police wives
Alcohol and drug dependence are coping mechanisms. Something is up, and they have developed a crutch to lean on. Here are some symptoms of a drinking problem, adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous:
1. You have tried to stop drinking for a set amount of time and couldn’t go the distance.
2. You want people to quit telling you to quit drinking.
3. You switched from one kind of alcohol to another to avoid getting drunk.
4. You need a drink to get started on the day or to stop shaking.
5. You envy people who don’t get themselves into trouble while drinking.
6.You’ve had problems related to your drinking in the past year.
7. Your drinking is causing problems at home.
8. You try to get extra drinks at a party because what is served is not enough.
9. You tell yourself you could stop drinking any time you wanted to but keep getting drunk without meaning to.
10. You’ve missed work or school because of your drinking.
11. You have black outs, times when drinking that you don’t remember.
12. You feel like your life would be better if you didn’t drink.
If you suspect that your guy has a drinking problem, talk with him about it when he isn’t drinking. Be ready with specific examples of behavior, not generalized accusations. If he denies it, get others involved who love your husband. Have your resources lined up—phone numbers, locations of meetings and support groups, and people to contact.
PTSD
Brenda’s husband had nightmares and suffered uncontrollable shaking. Rhonda’s husband told her he was sure he was crazy and even acted like it sometimes. Mary’s husband retreated to the fetal position on the couch and whimpered like a baby then later left her for someone else. All of these men were diagnosed with PTSD.
Post-traumatic stress disorder is a condition that results from a critical incident or develops as a result of repeated exposure to trauma, both very frequent in the career of a police officer. In his book CopShock, Second Edition: Surviving Post-traumatic Stress Disorder Allen Kates says that “one in three cops may suffer from PTSD, a condition that could lead to depression, suicidal thoughts, addictions, eating disorders as well as job and family conflict.” Some of the common symptoms include anger, nightmares, flashbacks, concentration problems, emotional detachment, and avoidance of people and places.
The Power of a Good Marriage
It was a perfect day for Clarke and Tracie to chill out in the pool. But Clarke felt like he would sink beneath the weight of dread. He was struggling with the stuff he’d seen on duty. He wasn’t thinking he’d kill himself, but knew he was starting to head down that road, and he needed help. He’d inwardly argued with himself for quite a while before he took the plunge. “This stuff is gettin’ to me, Trace. I’m not okay.” As soon as it left his mouth, the weight lifted. Until she replied in horror, “Are you kidding me?!” It was not the response he was looking for.
On the outside, Clarke was supercop. On the inside, a teen’s suicide triggered a breaking point. “It was one of five suicides that day, and it was my boiling point,” explains Clarke. “Everything began haunting me. Everything came out—calls from the day before, the week before, the year before, ten years before. They all came back and they came back with a vengeance. Everything I thought I had dealt with, but really just disassociated from, came back.”
He’d told himself to get over it, forget it. But when he couldn’t, he decided he was a coward—a loser. But he did have a great relationship with his wife, and he trusted her enough to share his pain. And although initially her response was less than ideal, by the end of the day she understood that he did the most courageous thing he could’ve ever done—ask for help. After doing some research together, they found the assistance he needed.
Clarke and Tracie are now hosting police suicide prevention seminars across the country. As part of his healing, Clarke made a movie called “The Pain Behind the Badge,” and it’s speaking to officers who have suffered silently for years. When Tracie gets up to speak, she imparts these powerful words: “Why did I ever think he was okay after twenty-two years on the job? The Rock of Gibraltar was crumbling, and I never saw it coming. I’m lucky he’s alive.”
Post-traumatic stress disorder can be very serious, but there is help available. Please let me know if you need resources.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" July 22nd, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: law enforcement, law enforcement marriage, Marriage, police marriage, police wives
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