The Man-Woman Thing
I like to joke that when God took a rib from Adam to make Eve, He took a whole lot more than just a bone. He also took the multitasking gene, the tendency to nurture, and the ability to ask for directions! But seriously, not only do we deal with our differences in personalities, we also have the man-woman thing.
So many people are irritated with the obvious differences between males and females. I’ve seen a lot of women try to change their guys, make an attempt to get them in touch with their feminine side. Men seem to either joke or just shake their heads at female tendencies. It is almost impossible to truly understand the inner workings of the opposite sex. It’s a fact: we are different! So how can we live together in harmony?
I say accept the differences and learn to appreciate them. Be who you are as a woman. Let him be who he is as a man. Accept the fact that he can’t say as many words as you do in a day and find other outlets (like other females) for the rest of your important thoughts and ideas. Celebrate his ability to be firm with the kids when you waver, and celebrate that you want to hug your little sweetie for as long as she needs. Understand that the best way to talk to your guy is when you do something together. Women like to talk face to face, but men talk best side by side.
We were made to work together. Like a key fits into a lock, our physical anatomy is definitely suited to each other. But it doesn’t end with anatomy. Our personality traits, strengths, and natural tendencies are so different it seems for some that we could never be compatible. But with the right attitude and enough time, you and your husband can learn to ebb and flow with each other’s strengths and weaknesses. It is a beautiful thing to behold a couple with this kind of balance.
Love Languages
“I just don’t feel loved by my husband…” I have heard this from many women throughout the years. Usually her husband actually loves her deeply but isn’t able to show her in the way she can receive it. This too is about speaking a different language. In Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, he describes five ways in which people feel loved. They are quality time, gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, and acts of service. Each person has at least one of these ways they feel loved, and they tend to show love this way as well. A problem arises when both spouses have different love languages. More often than not, this is the case.
Say that Sue’s love language is words of affirmation, and Raymond’s is acts of service. Sue will naturally tell Raymond she loves him often, but he would feel more loved if she offered to take his uniforms to the dry cleaners. Raymond will show Sue he loves her by washing her car, but she wants to hear how he loves her and why. Do you get the rub?
Just knowing how to speak each other’s love language can improve your communication dramatically. It takes a choice on two fronts: choose to show love in his language, and recognize his love language toward you and appreciate it. Better yet, get proactive; talk about love languages together and use the knowledge to love each other more effectively.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" January 28th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: communication, police marriage, police wives
They say marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
Words of comfort, skillfully administered, are the oldest therapy known to man.
Louis Nizer
A sleek, black Lexus caught my eye in the next lane. Wow. It was shiny and new, and the sun hit it just right. It’s a good thing I noticed it because all of a sudden it cut me off! So I’m driving behind this gorgeous car, and I veered into the left turning lane (with my signal on). Again, this Lexus cut me off to do the same (but without a signal). What?! Am I supposed to know where he’s going?!
As we both made the left turn, he made a quick right into a gas station, once again with no signal. Because I’d kept my distance for my own car’s sake, it wasn’t dramatic, but it made me mad. Such a beautiful vehicle but the driver was clueless!
I call this “driving on the inside of the car,” and it’s one of my biggest pet peeves. There are many of these people on the road—those who don’t think to let others know what they’re doing by flipping a simple switch. (Actually, when I think about it, it really shouldn’t bug me. It is, after all, job security for my husband! But I digress…)
It’s called a failure to communicate. And it doesn’t just happen on the road. It happens in relationships every day. Someone is acting on the thoughts inside her head, and she expects others to be able to understand exactly what she’s doing and why. But if she doesn’t give out the proper signals, she runs the risk of making someone angry or, worse, causing damage to herself and others.
Lost in Translation
Communication can be so tricky at times. Words come from deep within a person’s soul and heart. They come with a set of values, experiences, and personal makeup. On the other end, the same words are received into a new set of values, experiences, and different personal makeup. At times I speak a different language from my husband. I can speak a different language from my kids, my mother-in-law, or fill in the blank.
Much of our communication gets lost in translation. If good communication is critical for a lasting relationship, how can we learn to speak each other’s language?
The most obvious way is to spend time with each other. That’s a no brainer. But what about when things change, like when a child is born or a critical incident occurs? What about when time goes by, you lose touch, and suddenly you are clueless to what’s going on with your husband?
Colorful Personalities
Brent and I had reached a point in our marriage where we were in a rut, struggling to understand each other. We were clashing, not in sync, and we were both frustrated. Then Brent brought home a book called The Delicate Art of Dancing with Porcupines, by Bob Phillips. This book is based on four types of people— the analytical, the driver, the expressive, and the amiable— and explores how these people interact and communicate. [i] We answered the questions in the book and were amazed at the results.
When I understood the natural tendencies of my husband, it was a huge “aha” moment and vice versa. We spent a couple of hours laughing over each other’s tendencies and how we differ. It gave us freedom to be ourselves and a non-threatening way to give each other the freedom to be who we are. It was a huge step toward understanding each other, and our relationship has only gotten better because of it. When we come to a situation from two different sides, we are able to see where each other is coming from and then come to a better solution for both.
We also learned about a similar program through our church that was adapted from several sources. This tool categorizes people into colors based on personalities. Red people love fun and are very talkative. Blue people tend to be caretakers, romantic, cooperative, and peacemakers. Green people are problem solvers, leaders, and logical in their thinking. Yellow people are planners, punctual, and structured. We became more self-aware and learned how our colors respond to each other.
Brent is a green, and I am a blue-red combo. Bring our kids into the mix and we have all four colors represented. In moments of peace, we all actually talk about what colors we are. It helps to understand why we do what we do and react how we react. It is a valuable tool to step outside of ourselves and see each other with different eyes.
[i] Bob Phillips, The Delicate Art of Dancing with Porcupines, (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1989) page 43.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" January 21st, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Sometimes You Just Have To Be Brave
The laughter was deafening. Emily found herself laughing along; although because she didn’t really know these people, she felt a touch uncomfortable. Clara had just opened her white-elephant gift: a set of five condoms. It was definitely appropriate for the crowd. They were all recently married, and everyone’s husband or wife was present. That is, everyone’s spouse but Emily’s. Emily’s husband was on duty.
It was her turn. She looked over the gifts that were beautifully wrapped underneath the tree. She chose a gorgeous red box tied with a silver bow. As she started to poke at the ribbon, she thought she heard a guy whisper, “Oh, no.” Too late! At first when Emily opened the box, she had no idea what it was. She lifted it out, and, of course, everyone howled. “What is this?” she asked. Her face flushed crimson as she heard someone shout, “Edible underwear!”
Sometimes you just have to be brave. When events come up, and your husband is working, go. You never know what that event may hold! There will be times when your loneliness will increase because you really wish he was there. But, more often than not, you’ll make a memory. Or laugh trying. Sometimes you’ll even gain a new friend.
When Brent was a cadet in the academy, I drove home after visiting him in Sacramento. It was very dark, and I was on a stretch of rural highway in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly my car sputtered, coughed, jerked a few times, and I found myself rolling, powerless, to the side of the road. Annoyed, I got out of the car, went around to the front, and froze. I saw small flames flickering underneath. In a panic I lost all sense of safety and waved my arms at a few cars that came by. Finally a young man stopped, put out the fire with some water he had in his car, and assured me everything was okay. There was a spooky-looking house several yards away, and about that time, a flashlight approached. “Do ya need to use a phone?” the creepy resident asked. I flashed a look of fear to the young man, and he accompanied me into the house while I called a tow truck and family. An hour later I was on my way home.
This was the first time I had to solve a problem like this all by myself. It was scary! Brent was unavailable, my dad was out of town, and I had to grow up and deal. It was good for me. Since that night I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to take care of problems on my own: hospital visits, car repairs, issues with teachers, landlords, and tenants, you name it. Brent helps me when he can, but, for the most part, I’ve learned I can hold down the fort quite well.
It would be easy to resent situations like these. It would be easy to resent him for not being there. But a sense of survival or duty can take over if you allow it. In fact, you can even choose to gain a sense of accomplishment from learning new skills. This is the kind of strength we can use to build our new normal.
A word of caution here: We married rescuers. Our guys want to be needed. We must keep this in mind, making sure that we don’t become so independent that we cease to need them. I’m talking about balance here, and there is no formula. We have to figure this out with our spouses. Interdependence is the goal, but when our cops aren’t able to do something, we have to pick up the slack.
Make It Work!
Christmas doesn’t have to be celebrated Christmas morning. The Fourth of July picnic can be on the third, and you’ll enjoy it more with less people around! Vacations don’t have to be in the summer months. And days off don’t have to be on Saturday and Sunday. Vacations, holidays, and schedules are yours to tweak to make it work. Each season of your life will have additional considerations. But if you’re willing to think outside the box, you’ll be surprised how well events turn out. Brent always liked to work Christmas Eve. It was generally quiet, so he’d have the guys who didn’t have families nearby come to the house even if we had other guests. He asked me to “work my magic” in the kitchen and spoil them with flavor. I loved every minute of it. We have very fond memories of candles from the table casting a warm glow on their badges. And there was always laughter with a cop at the table.
Expectations
If you expect that your life is supposed to look like your dad’s office job, you will be disappointed. If you expect your husband to make every single event you plan and on time, you will be disappointed. If you don’t try to be creative in making memories that include your husband, you will be disappointed. If you refuse to solve some of the problems that arise when he’s on duty, you’ll have trouble.
The attitude of strength here is flexibility. Creating your own normal and recreating normal are an integral part of a long-lasting law-enforcement marriage. Choosing to be flexible and optimistic in the face of unmet expectations is tough at times but necessary. Managing those expectations with flexibility and optimism ahead of time is even better. Communicating those expectations is another matter altogether.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" January 14th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: brave, Courage, Marriage, police marriage, police wives
Yesterday I was taken aback by a beautiful gal who asked me to sign her book. She had her soon-to-be officer with her, and her 7-year-old son. I asked her a couple of questions and soon she was dabbing the edges of her eyes, careful not to mess up her mascara.
“I was doing fine until I heard what the wives said in the panel,” she confessed. “I’m just so overwhelmed…”
Her husband had a look. His deep eyes showed several guarded emotions. I imagined his thoughts. “I just went through six months of hell. I’m graduating tomorrow, and now she’s crying… what is the deal here? What’d you say to her?”
My hug was better than my stupid words. Fact is, the look in his eyes drew me a blank in the what to say category. I mumbled some worthless chatter, and hugged her again.
Since then, this little family has come back to my thoughts again and again. What do you say to someone who is just starting this journey we’ve been skipping and trudging through? We have to be realistic. She’s got to know what she’s getting into. But we also have to move forward. We know it’s tough – we just don’t know how tough. And unknowns are shadows in the distance.
How will this change my life? Change my man? Change me?
Our lives as peacekeeper families are a balance between white picket fences and cold, steel bars. Somewhere between happily ever after and death row. When a person steps up and pledges to give themselves to public service, he/she makes a decision – a promise – that drastically affects the lives of his/her family. This is true for all relationships, but not to the degree of the effects for warrior families. This is one reason why the CHP holds a four-hour training for it’s new officer families.
But it isn’t all bad, it isn’t all sacrifice, it isn’t all serious drudgery. Otherwise no one would take it on.
We do what we do because we are motivated by fierce love.
We do what we do because we dare to live with hope.
We do what we do because we have courage to live a life with risks.
Some days are easy, uneventful.
Some days pass by, slowed by loneliness.
Some days are filled with laughter, intimacy – the goodness that closeness brings.
Some days are filled with moodiness.
Some days are filled with confusion and conflict.
Some days are just, well, awesome.
It’s all how you choose to look at it.
The passing of days – ups and downs, circles and lines, outgrown shoes and fond memories, losses and benefits – develop into years of seasons between white paint and prison cells.
It is our adventure to live.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" October 26th, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: cop marriage, Marriage, new to law enforcement, police marriage, police wives
Starting this week, I will be posting my book, A CHiP on my Shoulder – How to Love Your Cop with Attitude. Yep, a couple of times a week, you’ll be able to start at the beginning and read through it, word for word.
Kind of an out of the box idea, I know. But here’s where I’m goin’ with this.
Back in late 2005 and early 2006, the California Highway Patrol lost a total of six officers over the holidays. It was AWFUL. We banded together as blue blood families do, and muddled through it. And some of their widows are now my friends. Chief often says that these ladies are real heroes, and I completely agree. But during that time, we were also losing officers to suicide. In the course of four years, 15 CHP officers took their own lives. During this rash of on duty deaths, the numbers seemed to increase in frequency.
Chief and I were about to turn in one evening, when he looked at his Blackberry one last time. Another suicide. I yelled to him across the room, “What are we DOING?!” I was talking about the CHP – what are THEY doing – but for some reason, I started asking myself the question. What am I doing? And soon thereafter, in a quiet moment with God, a title came to me: A CHiP on my Shoulder. I wouldn’t write it for another four years, but in that time I got involved. I started caring on purpose. I started listening. Joined the Family Panel. Listened some more. Did research. And finally I wrote – prayerfully and thoughtfully. And CHiP was born during the toughest season of marriage Chief and I have had to endure yet. Which actually made the book that much better.
A CHiP on my Shoulder became available this time last year. And only a small percentage of police spouses have read my book thus far. But the response has been almost overwhelming. I get lots of letters saying that CHiP has changed perspectives, brought more understanding, encouraged them, saved their marriage, and spurred much needed conversations with their officers. They laugh, they cry, they see themselves in what I wrote. And I’m thrilled.
But I’m just getting started. Because the response has been so positive, it’s given me the confidence to work even harder at getting the word out. Blogging my book is just one more step to that end. My hope is that more will hear what I have to offer – and that it will make a difference.
But I also would love it if you entered into a conversation with others (and me) about the book. Stories, positive comments, respectful disagreement, or other thoughts that are spurred by sections of the book are not only welcomed, but encouraged. I’m still listening to learn – and have plans for more resources. Talks, seminars, more books, Bible studies – these are what I’d eventually like to have available, and how much better will they be with the input of hundreds as compared with the 35 I listened to during the writing of CHiP!
The only thing I ask is that you keep it positive, and listen to learn with me. There is so much division in this world – we can’t possibly agree on everything! But we can respect each other in the process.
One last thing – subscribe and tell others, okay? If you find it helpful, maybe others will too. And we all need a little help from time to time. Especially in this crisis-driven field.
Thanks to those of you who have purchased my book, loaned it to others, and have sent me great letters. My hope is that many more will do this, and engage in the discussions. We need each other!
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 25th, 2012
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: cop marriage, law enforcement, police marriage, police wives
Last night I heard that another law enforcement marriage looks like it’s ending. A couple from my own church. And it grieves me. Because I believe that those who stand up and stand in the gap deserve better. And those who love them and are willing to sacrifice parts of life that others don’t deserve better than this as well.
Well, I was inspired. And here’s what I wrote:
This is for the one who serves and protects. You, who stands up for us and puts your life on the line and says, “I will not let you” because the act is destructive. It hurts others, causes chaos, and even though this thing that the criminal wants to do may seem good to him at the time, it will ultimately lead to destruction of his own life. Thank you, thank you for putting on your uniform day after day and going out on the streets and protecting and serving those of us who appreciate you, and those who don’t appreciate you.
I have heard that you want out. That you are tired of the life that you have made with your spouse and you are daring to think that a life without her would be better. You have walked away, shut down the love, and have been looking elsewhere.
I acknowledge that you work long hours. That the job takes its toll. That you see things that people do to each other that are inexcusable. You’ve seen that life isn’t fair. You’ve seen who people are at their worst. Your job as a peacekeeper is difficult and lonely.
I acknowledge that almost three out of four police officers experiences divorce. It’s become a common thing – an expectation even – something that your leaders will tell you up front you’re headed for. So don’t even try. Lower your expectations, get what you can out of each relationship, and then when it gets tough, just cut bait and leave. Move onto wife number two. It’s what cops do.
I acknowledge that that person you married is difficult to live with. She doesn’t understand. She complains. She doesn’t seem happy. You’re not getting enough sex. And chances are, she doesn’t look like she did when she walked down the aisle to pledge her life to you.
I acknowledge that your life isn’t the way that you imagined it would be. It isn’t what you want anymore. That it’s been this way for so long that there’s no point in trying because you’re so tired and worn out and it’s just not worth the work to try anymore. You’ve been pushed beyond your ability to stay.
I acknowledge that there are others who look at you in your beautiful uniform and desire you. They are ready, willing and able to please you. They seem to understand, especially if they are wearing the same uniform. You’re beautiful. You’re desired. You’re feeling things you haven’t felt in a long time.
But it’s a lie.
All of it.
Being a cop does not mean that you have to be alone. It does not mean that you will get a divorce. This is, pardon the pun, a cop out.
I appeal to you as a warrior. You are willing to stand up and say NO! To fight for what’s right. You’re willing to lay your life down for this. Why, as a warrior, are you so unwilling to fight for your own marriage? For your family?
Your wife is a human being. Complex. Difficult. Hard to understand. And so are you. Complex. Difficult. Hard to understand. And your job makes things even more complex, difficult, and hard to understand. You put your life on the line, and you know what? So does she. She puts her sense of security on the line. She puts her heart on the line. She says, if something happens, I will make up the slack. I will carry on the family in your stead. And while your crisis-driven career makes your lives tumultuous, she says I will support, I will flex, I will go to things alone, I will let go of my expectations, I will do what is needed to make us work.
Who does that? Who would put up with that? Someone who is fiercely in love. Someone strong. Someone who has deep character. Someone who deserves that fierce love back. Someone who will serve and protect the life that she herself is willing to sacrifice for. She doesn’t deserve to be walked away from.
A long life together is a life of seasons. There will be winter seasons – when life is colorless and there isn’t much sex and it isn’t as you imagined it would be. But if you stick with it, and make choices to invest in your relationship, the spring will come, the summer will come, and it is continually a life of adventure, and pain, and happiness, and history, and goodness.
I appeal to you as a discerner. When your gut is telling you that something isn’t quite right, you put yourself on alert. You get in defensive posture, ready to take on the threat that you sense. But why do you allow yourself to be lulled in by beautiful women? A person who is willing to enter into a relationship with a married man is nothing but a thief. She’s willing to take something that isn’t hers because she WANTS it. Don’t you arrest thieves? Why?
She may be hot, but she’s selfish. She may seem to understand, but it really is all about her. And she may be willing to have sex, but she’ll dig her claws into you and destroy your marriage, your kids, your wallet, and your soul. And when she’s drained you dry, she’ll move on.
I appeal to you as a man in blue. Why have you stopped protecting your marriage? Why have you stopped serving your marriage? Because it was too hard? Because you’re too tired? Those cops who turn and run in the face of difficulty are called cowards. Stand up and be the brave man that you are.
You took an oath. To love, honor and cherish till death do you part. When did you stop loving? When did you stop honoring? When did you stop cherishing? Go back there. Start again. You have a choice to stand in the gap and say, NO! No divorce. No bad marriage.
As one who has put her heart on the line, she deserves it.
As one who has put your life on the line, you deserve it.
This is for the one who serves and protects. I’m appealing to you, to stand up for your marriage and put your choice on the line and say, “I will not give up.” Because leaving is destructive. It hurts others, causes chaos, and even though it may seem good to you now, it will ultimately lead to destruction of your own life.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 19th, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: cop marriage, divorce, infidelity, law enforcement marriage, police marriage, police wives
Seven Books For Police Families
Way back in the dark ages of the late 80s, before everyone had a computer and a cell phone, there was no information or help for those of us who were new law enforcement wives. Some of us muddled through, some gave it up, but in LA, very few of us ever spoke to each other. Marriage topics were taboo, unless someone was bold enough to rant to the world about their home life. And really, that wasn’t helpful.
I’m pleased to say that this is no longer the case. We’re now stepping into the 21st century, realizing that the status quo just isn’t good enough. Law enforcement marriages have been breaking apart – according to studies, almost 3 out of 4 police marriages will end in divorce. And it affects everyone – spouses, children, extended families, cops, departments and our culture. Broken marriages extend pain beyond just the two involved. But I think those who step up to the thin blue line deserve better than this. So do those who are brave enough to love them.
In the last several years, concerned people have decided that they cared enough to help. They wrote books, put together seminars, and started groups, Facebook pages, ministries and blogs. I thought I would mention seven books I’ve read that I think would be helpful for some, comforting to others, and life-changing for still more. As I read more books in the future, I will let you know what I find.
The first is the pioneer – I Love a Cop by Dr. Ellen Kirschman. She is a clinical psychologist from California who works with peace officers and their families. She put together a wealth of information on what she has learned every police family should be aware of. I consider it a resource that every family member of a police officer should have on their shelf. It is an eye-opener.
Next comes Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement by Dr. Kevin M. Gilmartin. This book is a must-read. The author is a former police officer and now consults with law enforcement agencies as a behavior scientist across the country and in Canada. He explains the psychology and physiology of being a police officer. My husband attended a class with him, and told me that it was the first time in his life he felt understood.
The third is Bullets in the Washing Machine by Melissa Littles. Melissa is married to an officer in Oklahoma and started an internet group called “The Police Wife Life.” Her Treadmill Thoughts of the Day range from hysterical to in-your-face truths as she talks about many aspects of the life of an LEOW. Her book is a collection of several true stories that are both heartwarming and thought-provoking. Thousands of LEOWs across the country draw strength and laughter from Melissa.
Dependence Day, written by Heidi Paulson, documents a spiritual and emotional journey of healing after her husband crashes his motorcycle while on duty in Montana. She exhibits great strength in the face of many grueling months post-accident. It is inspiring to read for every day, but if your cop gets injured on the job, this resource would be a great comfort and guide.
The next book is written to officers, but I personally got a lot of understanding and new perspective from it. It’s called Arresting Communication and is by a retired police officer out of Illinois named Jim Glennon. Be warned that this book is laced with profanity, but also contains some great principles about communication for cops, on the job and at home.
Chaplain Allison Uribe, a chaplain and LEOW from Texas, wrote a faith-based book for law enforcement wives based on her own experience. It’s called Because I’m Suitable – The Journey of a Wife on Duty. Complete with tons of Scripture, thoughtful questions, and warm encouragement, this book can be used for Bible study groups. I have been personally going through the book on my own and it has been really great to stretch me in my relationship with my husband. Allison also runs a ministry to LEOWs called Wives on Duty.
The last is A CHiP on my Shoulder – How to Love Your Cop with Attitude, by yours truly. I wrote CHiP based on my own experience, interviews with over 35 police families, research, and feedback from those who are smarter than I. What results is a real but positive how-to book that gives new perspectives and understanding for the spouse of a police officer. I talk about communication, kids, money, support systems, sex, and difficulties that are specific to a crisis-driven career.
These are resources that I feel are helpful to the families of law enforcement. If you know of another book or seminar that would be helpful, please email me at victoria@how2loveyourcop.com, or comment here. I’ll check it out. In the meantime, I will continue to develop more resources in the days to come – books, seminars, speaking engagements and other resources to help police families not only survive, but thrive.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 4th, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: police marriage, police wives
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