His Coping Mechanisms
Your cop will have his ways to deal with stress. You may not be crazy about some of them, but, if it’s working, you need to let it go. A couple of years ago, Brent had a chief who dealt with stress by having an occasional outdoor cigar-smoking session with a few guys in the office. My daughters hated this. They always knew when Daddy smoked a cigar that day. But I knew that a few cigars over a several month period were unlikely to do any damage. In fact, it did him some good to take an occasional timeout in the middle of a hard work day.
Debriefing with their friends seems to help them deal with stuff a bit easier. Suggest he play racquetball or golf with some buddies. Maybe a yearly hunting trip is in order, or have him spend a morning fishing with a friend. During these times, it’ll also help your attitude if you schedule something for yourself.
Cop humor, silence, Monday-night football, motorcycle riding, exercise… our guys need outlets. There has to be some way for them to fill up. He’s putting out a lot of himself to be an officer. You can help too by listening, taking care of your portion of the marriage partnership, initiating sex, and creating a safe home. But as awesome as you are, you are not the only place he can be filled. Support an outlet or two that build him up.
Our Response
Understanding our men—who they are, what they do, how they deal with it—helps us to know better how to support them. But this is only half of it. How we respond is the other half.
Erica, whom I referred to earlier in this chapter, says that she doesn’t think about this stuff each and every day he walks out the door. I don’t either. But I suggest thinking through it ahead of time when all is well, letting these thoughts digest so that day to day and year to year we grow and learn together instead of moving apart. In some ways, it’s putting on our own mind armor to keep us in the marriage game as well.
We have a choice here. We can begrudge the way they are and build a wall to protect our sense of who we think they should be. We could, over time, harden our hearts toward parts of them and complain behind their backs to our friends. We could demand that they change, and they might even try out of love for us. But, in the end, they will not be able to trust us completely.
Or we can accept them for who and what they are, respecting their processes. We can love them unconditionally for what they are and be forgiving for what they aren’t. This acceptance gives them the freedom to be real. And in the security that this provides, they might even just mellow out over time. I’ve witnessed this in many marriages. We might say, “She’s been good for him.” At the very least they will appreciate the safe place that our love creates and trust us with depths of themselves we will treasure. Sex may be better, too, as the walls of mistrust disappear and we grow in intimacy.
On its surface, it seems like an easy choice. But it isn’t. Marriage is hard. Marriage to a cop is even harder. How can we get the courage necessary to thrive amidst all of this?
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" April 8th, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: communication, cop marriage, cop wives, law enforcement, law enforcement marriage, Law Enforcement Spouse, Marriage, police marriage, police wife, police wives
The Hero at Home
Because this book covers different aspects of law enforcement marriage, it probably seems like my entire existence revolves around the fact that he is a cop. It doesn’t. There are areas of our lives that have nothing whatsoever to do with law enforcement. This is a big question for new officers’ wives. “I have my own job; do I have to drop everything for this to work?” The answer is no. Life is life. Kids. Careers. Hobbies. Church. Clubs. Sports. There is more to life than law enforcement.
Erica doesn’t view her husband as a hero when he walks in the door. He’s Marlo, the father of her children, the man she married, and the one who takes out the trash. So when he comes home, she expects him to jump into their lives. I love this. Erica has two boys and a job. She basically runs the home and likens it to a revolving machine. When Marlo comes home from his shift, she expects him to join their lives that are already in motion. Because she has communicated this, it works!
What you don’t know about Erica is she had to face that horrible moment that we all fear: “Honey, I need you to come the hospital. I’ve just been shot!” Marlo called her from his stretcher on the side of the freeway. After this critical incident, she had to make things click in her mind. This was when she adopted this attitude: Marlo is the man she married. He’s not Marlo the hero; he’s Marlo the husband. He’s Marlo the dad. In fact, she’s only seen Officer Marlo a few times.
This mindset may be more difficult for other men. When they are on duty, they have to take control in the midst of chaos. Your man has been trained to be in control of situations and will be direct and to the point. He doesn’t do multiple choice on duty. What happens when he comes home, still in this attitude of control?
My guess is it doesn’t go over well. I know this might be pretty tempting for cops to do, but it doesn’t exactly pan out at home. We’ve been running things all day, and it’s a little difficult to relinquish that position. We’ve got our tried and true ways of making it work, and then he comes in and does it differently! Again, this is where respectful communication comes in. He needs to be a part of the home too, so don’t hold on so tightly to your methods. On the other hand, you are not one of his customers, and he doesn’t want you to be.
The other side of the spectrum is that they are tired of making decisions and/or babysitting crooks all day, and they don’t want to take the reins at home at all. Recall the down stage of the hypervigilance roller coaster. It takes some good talks and patience to work through this.
The Long-term Perspective
I’ve mentioned several things that you see on a day to day basis—the short term. But there is a long-term perspective as well. In a career that spans twenty to thirty years, these issues will ebb and flow with the seasons. Supervisors and commanders come and go, and, depending on their leadership skills or lack thereof, your husband’s career will benefit or suffer.
There have been seasons that Brent couldn’t wait to get to work. And there were times when his stress was so elevated his blood pressure would reflect it. The point here is that seasons come and go. Enjoy the good times and embrace the rough spots for the character building they can instill. Either way, sometimes it just helps to know that it won’t be forever.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" April 1st, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: communication, cop marriage, cop wives, law enforcement, law enforcement marriage, Marriage, police marriage, police wife, police wives
Before and after Shifts
Many times this hypervigilance rollercoaster will begin just before he leaves for work. He’s putting on his game face. For Brent and I, the time before his shift wasn’t pretty for years. Sometimes I’d be upset half the shift after he’d leave. He was intensely focused. There were a few hurt feelings here and there. I finally learned he needed his space to gear up for the day. It wasn’t directed at me. He was inwardly focused to be on his game.
I also needed to be careful about the demands I placed on him right before work. A half hour before he was to leave was not a good time to talk about bills or problems with the kids or scheduling conflicts. I learned to make a list for later. A little patience and everyone benefits.
For many officers, coming home is a lot of the same. In addition to that coming down from hypervigilance, a bad accident, a supervisor’s comment, or an incident involving children will sometimes bother your officer, and he needs down time to think it through. Your questions or requests may conflict with his thinking time and his comfort in bringing up something so raw. You never know what he’s dealt with that day. How do we handle their responses like strong, mature women?
Faye has implemented the pause moment. She’ll ask her husband how his day was and pause for the signs she’s come to recognize after thirteen years on the force. Sometimes he’ll be fine. Other times she’ll hear a heavy sigh, and so she’ll remain silent. She knows that if he needs to call one of two fellow officers that something is bugging him and that he’ll let her know in his time. She then adjusts to his response as appropriate.
Communication comes first—verbal and non-verbal. If he’s bothered about something, maybe he needs a trip to the gym. Maybe he just needs to hold his baby daughter for a while in silence or wrestle loudly with his boys. Maybe he needs to watch TV for a couple of hours and relax. The rub comes when you have plans for the evening. Or it’s tag-team time and it’s your turn to go to work. This happens over and over through the year and beyond. It’s learning to ebb and flow with the moment and having the awareness and self-control to deal with this process positively.
I want him to be on his game when he needs to be and, if he isn’t to let me know so I can deal with it and move on. But nine times out of ten, it’s difficult to do. He doesn’t know what’s on his mind; he’s just irritable. Or he doesn’t have the energy to articulate his needs. Sometimes he just lies on the bed and falls asleep. So much for dinner!
Brent has learned to be good about telling me when he is so spent he can’t meet my expectations (at least the majority of the time). I have had to learn to be patient, and that right there is tough. Sometimes it just stinks! And I’ve decided that it’s okay. When we understand that it isn’t us, fight the temptation to panic or worry, and communicate like mature people, that’s when it gets better. We develop thick skin. But it’s keeping our hearts soft and bitterness-free over time that takes a bit more energy and focus.
I’ve been talking a lot about flexibility and allowing your man to decompress from his job. But by no means am I suggesting you take a doormat mentality. You are an equal part of your marriage and have equal value. As cop wives, we tend to be strong and sometimes outspoken, but not all of us. I’m suggesting ways to come alongside and support, but in the context of mutual love and respect for one another. There is a difference between being interdependent (the goal) and co-dependent.
In the long term, we need to find ways to achieve balance. When Brent took over command of the CHP Academy, we were mentally prepared that it would take a lot of out of us. He worked long hours and maneuvered a large staff through some seemingly impossible demands. At times it was downright overwhelming. During these times he’d come home, share a bit with me, and we’d sit together, shaking our heads.
I wish I could share that we took advantage of his vacation time and gave him the down time he needed. But that wasn’t the case. He actually built so much time up that he exceeded his vacation time limits. And we suffered as a couple and as a family. It has been the hardest season to go through in his career.
After two years of long days and many weekends, he wanted to umpire baseball games. I reluctantly agreed. It seemed at first like it was just more time away from our family. But when I saw the camaraderie he built with other guys and how happy he was when he returned, I didn’t mind that he was gone the extra hours. I finally saw him relax. It became a replenishment, something he desperately needed.
During this time at the academy, my life was busy as well. He was busy with his job, and I was busy with my own pursuits. But one thing I did during this time was be available to listen when he came home. For much of our marriage, my guy didn’t talk much about work. He usually had a lengthy commute to calm down. But as the academy commander, he entered the house, still talking on his phone. Because he couldn’t talk with others about his frustrations, he vented to me. I was safe, I listened. I didn’t say much, didn’t need to. Sometimes I offered my female intuition, and he was pleasantly surprised that I could be so business smart. I liked that. It brought a new level of trust and respect to our relationship. All I had to do was be ready to close my mouth and open my ears.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" March 26th, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: communication, cop wives, Expectations, hypervigilance, law enforcement marriage, Law Enforcement Spouse, Marriage, police marriage, police wives
Sometimes You Just Have To Be Brave
The laughter was deafening. Emily found herself laughing along; although because she didn’t really know these people, she felt a touch uncomfortable. Clara had just opened her white-elephant gift: a set of five condoms. It was definitely appropriate for the crowd. They were all recently married, and everyone’s husband or wife was present. That is, everyone’s spouse but Emily’s. Emily’s husband was on duty.
It was her turn. She looked over the gifts that were beautifully wrapped underneath the tree. She chose a gorgeous red box tied with a silver bow. As she started to poke at the ribbon, she thought she heard a guy whisper, “Oh, no.” Too late! At first when Emily opened the box, she had no idea what it was. She lifted it out, and, of course, everyone howled. “What is this?” she asked. Her face flushed crimson as she heard someone shout, “Edible underwear!”
Sometimes you just have to be brave. When events come up, and your husband is working, go. You never know what that event may hold! There will be times when your loneliness will increase because you really wish he was there. But, more often than not, you’ll make a memory. Or laugh trying. Sometimes you’ll even gain a new friend.
When Brent was a cadet in the academy, I drove home after visiting him in Sacramento. It was very dark, and I was on a stretch of rural highway in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly my car sputtered, coughed, jerked a few times, and I found myself rolling, powerless, to the side of the road. Annoyed, I got out of the car, went around to the front, and froze. I saw small flames flickering underneath. In a panic I lost all sense of safety and waved my arms at a few cars that came by. Finally a young man stopped, put out the fire with some water he had in his car, and assured me everything was okay. There was a spooky-looking house several yards away, and about that time, a flashlight approached. “Do ya need to use a phone?” the creepy resident asked. I flashed a look of fear to the young man, and he accompanied me into the house while I called a tow truck and family. An hour later I was on my way home.
This was the first time I had to solve a problem like this all by myself. It was scary! Brent was unavailable, my dad was out of town, and I had to grow up and deal. It was good for me. Since that night I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to take care of problems on my own: hospital visits, car repairs, issues with teachers, landlords, and tenants, you name it. Brent helps me when he can, but, for the most part, I’ve learned I can hold down the fort quite well.
It would be easy to resent situations like these. It would be easy to resent him for not being there. But a sense of survival or duty can take over if you allow it. In fact, you can even choose to gain a sense of accomplishment from learning new skills. This is the kind of strength we can use to build our new normal.
A word of caution here: We married rescuers. Our guys want to be needed. We must keep this in mind, making sure that we don’t become so independent that we cease to need them. I’m talking about balance here, and there is no formula. We have to figure this out with our spouses. Interdependence is the goal, but when our cops aren’t able to do something, we have to pick up the slack.
Make It Work!
Christmas doesn’t have to be celebrated Christmas morning. The Fourth of July picnic can be on the third, and you’ll enjoy it more with less people around! Vacations don’t have to be in the summer months. And days off don’t have to be on Saturday and Sunday. Vacations, holidays, and schedules are yours to tweak to make it work. Each season of your life will have additional considerations. But if you’re willing to think outside the box, you’ll be surprised how well events turn out. Brent always liked to work Christmas Eve. It was generally quiet, so he’d have the guys who didn’t have families nearby come to the house even if we had other guests. He asked me to “work my magic” in the kitchen and spoil them with flavor. I loved every minute of it. We have very fond memories of candles from the table casting a warm glow on their badges. And there was always laughter with a cop at the table.
Expectations
If you expect that your life is supposed to look like your dad’s office job, you will be disappointed. If you expect your husband to make every single event you plan and on time, you will be disappointed. If you don’t try to be creative in making memories that include your husband, you will be disappointed. If you refuse to solve some of the problems that arise when he’s on duty, you’ll have trouble.
The attitude of strength here is flexibility. Creating your own normal and recreating normal are an integral part of a long-lasting law-enforcement marriage. Choosing to be flexible and optimistic in the face of unmet expectations is tough at times but necessary. Managing those expectations with flexibility and optimism ahead of time is even better. Communicating those expectations is another matter altogether.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" January 14th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: brave, Courage, Marriage, police marriage, police wives
Yesterday I was taken aback by a beautiful gal who asked me to sign her book. She had her soon-to-be officer with her, and her 7-year-old son. I asked her a couple of questions and soon she was dabbing the edges of her eyes, careful not to mess up her mascara.
“I was doing fine until I heard what the wives said in the panel,” she confessed. “I’m just so overwhelmed…”
Her husband had a look. His deep eyes showed several guarded emotions. I imagined his thoughts. “I just went through six months of hell. I’m graduating tomorrow, and now she’s crying… what is the deal here? What’d you say to her?”
My hug was better than my stupid words. Fact is, the look in his eyes drew me a blank in the what to say category. I mumbled some worthless chatter, and hugged her again.
Since then, this little family has come back to my thoughts again and again. What do you say to someone who is just starting this journey we’ve been skipping and trudging through? We have to be realistic. She’s got to know what she’s getting into. But we also have to move forward. We know it’s tough – we just don’t know how tough. And unknowns are shadows in the distance.
How will this change my life? Change my man? Change me?
Our lives as peacekeeper families are a balance between white picket fences and cold, steel bars. Somewhere between happily ever after and death row. When a person steps up and pledges to give themselves to public service, he/she makes a decision – a promise – that drastically affects the lives of his/her family. This is true for all relationships, but not to the degree of the effects for warrior families. This is one reason why the CHP holds a four-hour training for it’s new officer families.
But it isn’t all bad, it isn’t all sacrifice, it isn’t all serious drudgery. Otherwise no one would take it on.
We do what we do because we are motivated by fierce love.
We do what we do because we dare to live with hope.
We do what we do because we have courage to live a life with risks.
Some days are easy, uneventful.
Some days pass by, slowed by loneliness.
Some days are filled with laughter, intimacy – the goodness that closeness brings.
Some days are filled with moodiness.
Some days are filled with confusion and conflict.
Some days are just, well, awesome.
It’s all how you choose to look at it.
The passing of days – ups and downs, circles and lines, outgrown shoes and fond memories, losses and benefits – develop into years of seasons between white paint and prison cells.
It is our adventure to live.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" October 26th, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: cop marriage, Marriage, new to law enforcement, police marriage, police wives
When my book first came out and my friends and family members read it, a frequent observation was, “Wow, you really put a lot of personal stuff in there. Has Chief read it?”
Are you kidding?! Of course Chief read it! He went through it with a fine-tooth comb. And he gave me feedback – some of which was hard to hear but essential for its excellence. When co-workers questioned him as well, he replied, “If it helps others with their marriages, I’m completely willing to talk about our difficulties.”
My aunt was the first one to really nail my reason for this. She wrote, “I was a bit surprised that you were so open and personal about your experiences, but that’s what makes it so compelling. It should be required reading for a lot of young couples, not just law enforcement pairs. It even speaks deeply to old long-time married folks like us, forcing one to really examine our relationships with our spouses…”
If you read last week’s blog, you know that I continue to share the good, the bad, and the ugly for the sake of sharing the lessons I learn in life with you. Knowing that we are more alike than different in our thoughts and actions connects us. I know I’m not all that – and you know you’re not all that. Authenticity brings relief.
And what does this have to do with how we love our cops? Everything.
Somewhere in the course of our culture’s “evolving” relational intelligence, we’ve downplayed the idea that our actions (both good and bad) have significant impact on those we are close to. There are no real consequences, it’s my business. These are MY choices – they have nothing to do with you. But really – do your choices affect your spouse? Your kids? The neighbor? The taxpayer? If I choose to eat a donut, who’s business is it but mine? Well, let’s see. Donuts pad on weight, which I want to lose. A choice to screw it all and devour empty carbs will inadvertently tack on guilt (right there on the thighs – where it’s virtually impossible to lose!). And that guilt manifests itself, eventually, into irritation. Irritability leads to sensitivity. Sensitivity leads to insecurity. Insecurity leads to misunderstanding. And misunderstanding results in conflict. With the others who are close to you. Every choice – negative and positive has its effect on others whether we choose to acknowledge it or not.
We also think that admitting our shortcomings will have a negative effect on our self-esteems and the respect others have for us. I’ve got news for you – those you live with already know that you aren’t perfect. It’s like the idea that we can’t tell God we’re angry – He already KNOWS! And understanding and acknowledging the stupid things we do not only help with the authenticity of our relationships, but those who are willing to apologize and/or change, are very much respected.
When we admit our shortcomings, we take away their power over us. Rather than expend the energy to hide, deflect, and lie about the things we don’t do well, or the wrong things we say, the mistakes we make, or whatever the case may be, we can use the energy to come clean. It’s much less exhausting to be authentic than to put up a front.
And here’s an added bonus. When we give ourselves freedom to make peace with our weaknesses, we’re much more willing to forgive others their shortcomings. Suddenly there is a willingness to come closer and connect because there is permission to fail – I can be who I am – good, bad, ugly – if there is mercy, forgiveness and restoration.
(Disclaimer – This doesn’t extend to abuse, and it doesn’t give license to chronic bad behaviors. Although, admitting a problem is the first step to restoration in such cases.)
So what am I saying? I’m sayin’ let’s keep it real with each other, people. We’re all in this together.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" July 31st, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: authentic living, cop wives, Marriage, police wives, relationships, weakness
It was the final inning of the game and we were down by 2 runs. It was a hard fought battle – they were hitters, and the umpire seemed to be against us. We had two boys on base, and our “manchild” was up – he could hit homeruns into the next county. We were wound tight – this is it! And the pitch – high and inside – grazed the hand of our player leaving a cut and bruise. He winced, and started for first base. The umpire yells, “Where you goin’?!” and our guy replied, “It hit me.”
“No, son, it hit the bat. That’s a foul ball.” replied the ump. We came unglued. Chief comes out of the dugout to protest. Our side erupts in shouts. The umpire refuses to budge. “I heard it hit the bat,” he argues. He refuses to even look at the player’s hand. And all of a sudden – I couldn’t see. The Inner Grizzly emerged with a gutteral cry that came from where last Friday’s dinner was being digested. “HE HIT HIS HAND! HE HIT HIS HAND! HE HIT HIS HAND!”
The field was a blur, but I could still hear. And what I heard was, “Shut up and sit down before you get us tossed!” I whirled around and don’t remember what came from my mouth, but lost all control. She came back with another verbal blow to the gut. A sheet of red hot anger flashed before my eyes, when my girls intervened and I slowly sat down. And then, “You got somethin’ to say to me?! BRING IT!” Another wave of wrath shook me and I could feel my fists tighten. From the left I heard, “MOM! BETTER PERSON!” and it brought me back. I closed my mouth, shaking. At that point, I knew both the argument and the game were over. But the guilt started in…
How could a forty-something cop wife who had raised four kids, who’d written a book that talks about gratitude, patience, and self-control, just about come to blows at the call of an ump? I know better… I haven’t been like this since high school… I thought being a woman of faith and prayer was above this ghetto-like temptation? I’ve embarrassed my kids… I’m a fool… And on and on.
Have you been there?
Anger is a sleeping lion, crouching just beneath the surface, ready to devour those who dare to deny it’s existence. Just when we think we could never go there, we find ourselves wrapped in shame, picking up shell casings left by the verbal shootout. We must understand where the anger comes from, and what triggers it.
My triggers were fear, a sense of injustice, and then unkindness. I saw my boys’ hope of winning sectionals slipping through the fingers of the man in blue – fear. And then I witnessed Chief in a rare moment of strong protest and I felt like the umpire had truly been paid by the other team – injustice. And the final insult – unkindness. I wanted to rewind time. I wanted what my boys wanted. I wanted…
What are your triggers? What really makes you mad? We have to look at it, ugly as it is, and define it. Prepare for it. And if anger rares its ugly head, we must deal with its damage.
That night I apologized to my family. I laid justification aside and realized my anger got the best of me. I allowed myself to feel the embarrassment. For a time. But then, when the other mom reached out to me about the incident, I forgave her, apologized for my actions, and now feel at peace. We’re ready to move beyond the carnage, choosing to get along for the sake of our families and friends.
There will always be arguments in our lives. With our spouses, with our kids, our in-laws – the list goes on. Anger is an unfortunate reality, but it also shows we care deeply.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" July 18th, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: anger, anger management, arguments, Marriage, police wives
Last night the Chief and I stumbled upon a show called The Great Escape. There were three teams that had to escape several levels of what they called a “labyrinth.” There were two couples and a team of brothers. While we watched with intrigue as they repelled out windows, evaded guards, hid in laundry trucks and searched for keys, there was a phenomenon that was growing old – quick.
The two women couldn’t keep their mouths shut.
As their husbands tried desperately to work under pressure, using their strength, brains and bravery and then helping their wives along, the two had one thing in common: they relentlessly nagged them every step of the way.
“The other teams are coming!”
“Why can’t you cut faster?!”
“What!? You just gonna leave me here?!”
“I told you they were coming…”
Nag, nag, nag. And it was ugly.
One husband just ignored his wife. The other shut down, at one point saying in response, “You’re not helping!” That couple had the lead, and ended up stuck at a level the rest of the game. They came in last.
It doesn’t take much to cut down, undermine, irritate, and simply drive our husbands to ignore us. We can render them inoperable with a few short syllables.
But it does take courage, self-control, and inner strength to build up.
I had a friend who’s mother didn’t have a positive word to say to anyone. Eventually others tuned her out and discarded her in their minds and attitudes – they just couldn’t take the negativity. Yet she was a beautiful and gifted lady who could throw a party you wouldn’t believe. She sang and played the piano amazingly. She had wonderful organizational skills. But when she died of bone cancer at a young age, her family struggled to remember positive stories of her life. Nothing funny, nothing good – only that at last she was at rest after such a horrible disease. They were relieved she was gone. What a shame.
When I think of her, I think of one word – unforgiveness. She had been hurt in her younger years and never got over it, never healed, never walked away free. Instead she built walls of protection around her, locking in fear with her. And it marred her family, her character, and ultimately overshadowed her best qualities.
The Great Escape was a good lesson for me to remember that my words can either hurt or heal. My words can tear down or build up. My words can render me pleasant to be around or drive others to be relieved that I’m gone. This week I will strive to keep it positive. Want to join me?
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" July 9th, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: communication, Marriage, police wives
Sunday was the BIG game. We walked across the street to our neighbor’s home, where the food is ample and amazing. I brought sun-dried tomato pesto appetizers – and they were gone in ten minutes. I brought wedges of brownie pizza – and they were gone in four. I didn’t expect that.
We rooted for the Patriots. It was the Year of Revenge – where they would beat every team that denied them Super Bowl victories of the past. We wanted them to win, but the Giants took that away. We didn’t expect that either.
In the last couple weeks several people I know have had things happen they didn’t expect:
A young couple gave birth to their daughter – they didn’t expect her to need open heart surgery immediately afterward.
My son’s dream was to be a Marine – we didn’t expect that he would be medically discharged.
A friend expected that her son would make a certain baseball team – he didn’t.
A friend’s father was finally healing after a difficult illness – they didn’t expect his sudden death.
A police officer didn’t expect that a foot pursuit would end in a need for shoulder surgery.
A group of five people driving home from the Super Bowl didn’t expect that three of them would never make it – after they were hit by a drunk driver.
On the other hand, sometimes we expect things not to happen, and we are surprised and pleased. A check arrives in the mail. A new job offer. Flowers on the doorstep (hint, hint!).
Our lives are constantly changing, twisting and turning, bringing pain and bringing joy. We never know what to expect. Especially as spouses of those with crisis-driven careers. And newsflash: there’s not a darn thing we can do about it. So much of life is out of our control.
What we can control is our expectations of loved ones. If there is discord, misunderstanding or conflict, often it is because others failed to meet our expectations. They didn’t make it on time, they didn’t have the right response, they were insensitive, they didn’t do what was asked. We are disappointed, we are angry, we want to lash out, and sometimes we even want to give up. So much of conflict is based on assumptions.
What am I expecting of my spouse? My kids?
People at work, school?
What am I expecting of friends, family?
What am I expecting of God?
What do others expect of me?
Are these expectations fair? If not, we adjust.
Have I communicated them clearly? If not, then I can start today.
I think these questions are worth asking and answering. We can’t control the unexpected happenings of life, and obviously we won’t always get what we expect. But we can take honest inventory of what we expect from those we love, and communicate clearly, improving our relationships, and making life just a little bit better.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" February 8th, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
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