Before and after Shifts
Many times this hypervigilance rollercoaster will begin just before he leaves for work. He’s putting on his game face. For Brent and I, the time before his shift wasn’t pretty for years. Sometimes I’d be upset half the shift after he’d leave. He was intensely focused. There were a few hurt feelings here and there. I finally learned he needed his space to gear up for the day. It wasn’t directed at me. He was inwardly focused to be on his game.
I also needed to be careful about the demands I placed on him right before work. A half hour before he was to leave was not a good time to talk about bills or problems with the kids or scheduling conflicts. I learned to make a list for later. A little patience and everyone benefits.
For many officers, coming home is a lot of the same. In addition to that coming down from hypervigilance, a bad accident, a supervisor’s comment, or an incident involving children will sometimes bother your officer, and he needs down time to think it through. Your questions or requests may conflict with his thinking time and his comfort in bringing up something so raw. You never know what he’s dealt with that day. How do we handle their responses like strong, mature women?
Faye has implemented the pause moment. She’ll ask her husband how his day was and pause for the signs she’s come to recognize after thirteen years on the force. Sometimes he’ll be fine. Other times she’ll hear a heavy sigh, and so she’ll remain silent. She knows that if he needs to call one of two fellow officers that something is bugging him and that he’ll let her know in his time. She then adjusts to his response as appropriate.
Communication comes first—verbal and non-verbal. If he’s bothered about something, maybe he needs a trip to the gym. Maybe he just needs to hold his baby daughter for a while in silence or wrestle loudly with his boys. Maybe he needs to watch TV for a couple of hours and relax. The rub comes when you have plans for the evening. Or it’s tag-team time and it’s your turn to go to work. This happens over and over through the year and beyond. It’s learning to ebb and flow with the moment and having the awareness and self-control to deal with this process positively.
I want him to be on his game when he needs to be and, if he isn’t to let me know so I can deal with it and move on. But nine times out of ten, it’s difficult to do. He doesn’t know what’s on his mind; he’s just irritable. Or he doesn’t have the energy to articulate his needs. Sometimes he just lies on the bed and falls asleep. So much for dinner!
Brent has learned to be good about telling me when he is so spent he can’t meet my expectations (at least the majority of the time). I have had to learn to be patient, and that right there is tough. Sometimes it just stinks! And I’ve decided that it’s okay. When we understand that it isn’t us, fight the temptation to panic or worry, and communicate like mature people, that’s when it gets better. We develop thick skin. But it’s keeping our hearts soft and bitterness-free over time that takes a bit more energy and focus.
I’ve been talking a lot about flexibility and allowing your man to decompress from his job. But by no means am I suggesting you take a doormat mentality. You are an equal part of your marriage and have equal value. As cop wives, we tend to be strong and sometimes outspoken, but not all of us. I’m suggesting ways to come alongside and support, but in the context of mutual love and respect for one another. There is a difference between being interdependent (the goal) and co-dependent.
In the long term, we need to find ways to achieve balance. When Brent took over command of the CHP Academy, we were mentally prepared that it would take a lot of out of us. He worked long hours and maneuvered a large staff through some seemingly impossible demands. At times it was downright overwhelming. During these times he’d come home, share a bit with me, and we’d sit together, shaking our heads.
I wish I could share that we took advantage of his vacation time and gave him the down time he needed. But that wasn’t the case. He actually built so much time up that he exceeded his vacation time limits. And we suffered as a couple and as a family. It has been the hardest season to go through in his career.
After two years of long days and many weekends, he wanted to umpire baseball games. I reluctantly agreed. It seemed at first like it was just more time away from our family. But when I saw the camaraderie he built with other guys and how happy he was when he returned, I didn’t mind that he was gone the extra hours. I finally saw him relax. It became a replenishment, something he desperately needed.
During this time at the academy, my life was busy as well. He was busy with his job, and I was busy with my own pursuits. But one thing I did during this time was be available to listen when he came home. For much of our marriage, my guy didn’t talk much about work. He usually had a lengthy commute to calm down. But as the academy commander, he entered the house, still talking on his phone. Because he couldn’t talk with others about his frustrations, he vented to me. I was safe, I listened. I didn’t say much, didn’t need to. Sometimes I offered my female intuition, and he was pleasantly surprised that I could be so business smart. I liked that. It brought a new level of trust and respect to our relationship. All I had to do was be ready to close my mouth and open my ears.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" March 26th, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: communication, cop wives, Expectations, hypervigilance, law enforcement marriage, Law Enforcement Spouse, Marriage, police marriage, police wives
In his book Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement Officers, Dr. Kevin Gilmartin describes the highs and lows of what he calls the hypervigilance rollercoaster. To be vigilant is to stay watchful and alert to danger or trouble. But because our men never know what will come at them on any given call, they maintain a state of hypervigilance throughout their shift. They are programmed for survival to overcome whatever they deal with while on duty, and that requires much more than just a pep talk to themselves as they go out the door.
Their bodies and minds sustain this level of hypervigilance throughout the shift. But what goes up must come down, even physiologically. After his shift is over, he retreats home to you and your family, but his mind and body are exhausted from maintaining a high level of watchful intensity. Rather than returning to a normal level, his mind and body go to a place below normal to recuperate. The next day it’s repeated. And the next. Eventually, this wears him (and you!) down. If you ignore this rollercoaster, it can lead to a breakdown in his emotional health, which will have a huge impact on you and your marriage.
If you have an understanding of what is going on inside his body and mind, the good news is you are a big component of helping him through it. Dr. Gilmartin says,
…[T]he rollercoaster sets up officers to think, act, and live like victims, to not invest their energy, emotions, and sense of self in the phase of the rollercoaster that they do in fact control, the bottom or off-duty phase. It’s a clear catch-22: Officers must maintain hypervigilance to perform and survive on the streets and practice good officer safety, yet it is this same hypervigilance that can cause officers to relinquish control of their personal lives. They cannot lower the upper phase of the rollercoaster. They must maintain the elevated physical state of heightened awareness of potential risk while functioning as officers. Without training and awareness of the rollercoaster, officers return home and experience the pendulum effect… Ironically, it is the nonpolice support systems that, when they remain intact, determine if the officers remain good cops for the duration of the entire police career… (emphasis mine)[i]
You are the first and foremost non-police support system. Understanding this process gives you a chance to deal with it. You can help him maintain balance by creating balance. Things like exercise, vacations, hobbies, and activities will pull him out of that below normal level his body wants to retreat to. Take time to rejuvenate as a couple and as a family during his off-duty time, keeping this phenomenon in mind.
[i] Kevin Gilmartin, Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement, (Tuscon, Arizona: E-S Press, 2002) pages 89-90.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" March 18th, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: communication, cop marriage, law enforcement marriage, Law Enforcement Spouse, police marriage, police wives
Selfishness vs. Listen with the Desire To Understand
This last communication killer is so common it’s actually part of our culture. We’re encouraged to look out for ourselves, to be self-focused. We’re also naturally inclined to respond to our own desires, feelings, and whims. We’ve been doing it since we could breathe. Maturity comes when you can keep your selfish tendencies in check, thinking and acting as if others are important too.
In a way your husband has sworn to the department that he will set selfishness aside, that he would lay down his life to save another. This is unselfishness at its best, real hero quality. You, as his wife, have agreed to share him for the greater good, another unselfish quality.
But in the day to day, we each have needs and wants that call to be met. We have dreams to pursue and goals to accomplish. So it’s a dichotomy, making sure that we take care of ourselves but also tending to the needs of our husbands, kids, work, etc.
If we really want an outstanding relationship, we will make a choice to listen with a desire to understand each other. But it requires character—humility, even—to set yourself aside for a time to listen.
Roger Williams, Director of the Mount Hermon Conference Center once said, “Selfish people will never live in unity.” In marriage, everything needs to be filtered through us. Not “me,” but “we.” And the “we” includes you both—sometimes him, sometimes you, and sometimes both. There’s a give and take here. And it takes practice.
Power Trip
This is a difficult chapter. Good communication requires responses that don’t always come naturally. It takes courage and inner strength to speak the truth in a way that doesn’t leave our partners wounded. But understand something, ladies: you have power. You have the power to crush your husband, to let your frustration fly in his face, or slowly, methodically undermine him. Either way, it could reduce him to shreds. The closer you grow, the more dangerous you become. You and I both know some women who are very good at this.
But you also have an opportunity to use your power to do something incredible. You have a choice to build him up into the man he deserves to be. Your love and respect can build strength and confidence in him. You can strengthen that thin blue line, indirectly, through careful, proactive words and actions—words that encourage, even heal; actions that respect who he is.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" February 25th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: communication, cop marriage, law enforcement marriage, Law Enforcement Spouse, police marriage, police wife, police wives, relationships
Go Easy; It Takes Time
I once heard a couple who had been married for over forty years say, “We didn’t really get each other until we’d gotten the first twenty years out of the way.” Now that Brent and I have been married over twenty-three years, I understand what they were talking about. Entwining two lives into one takes time and patience. It takes being lifelong students of one another. And as soon as you think you have him all figured out, he’ll change. So will you. It’s the adventure, and it’s never dull!
This reminds me of good ol’ Shrek and his conversation with Donkey. Shrek refers to himself as an onion. He has layers—really rough on the outside and soft and pliable on the inside. I can look back now and see that our marriage has been like this. We dealt with rough, unattractive stuff early on in our marriage, then, year after year, we continue to enjoy the good stuff.
A Tactical Approach: Communication Killers and Keepers
Learning to speak each other’s language is a lifelong pursuit. It’s the big picture, a little something to keep in the back of your mind year to year. But what about day to day? That’s where the bulk of our communication lies.
There are behaviors and mindsets that will kill the ability to communicate, and there are attitudes and boundaries that will keep the communication flowing. Brent and I call them communication killers and keepers. In the following pages, I explain each killer and it’s opposing keeper.
Unspoken Expectations vs. No Givens
If you want to learn each other’s language, you have to speak. So much of miscommunication is unspoken. We develop assumptions based on our own personal views and values. We have assumptions about how relationships operate, how they should be, and then these assumptions turn into expectations. But when those expectations are not talked about, there’s trouble.
I was brought up in a home that taught if you weren’t fifteen minutes early, you were late. Brent was brought up in a home where perpetual lateness was the norm. This became a huge issue for us, especially because of the nature of his crisis-driven career. I was offended and frustrated time after time because we could never get anywhere when I wanted to be there. After many discussions and tearful arguments, we learned to talk about the expectations each other had about time management.
Newlyweds Mark and Rachel had guests over for the evening. The weekend before, Rachel spent extra time cleaning the house, and she planted flowers in the backyard. Then she took off work early and prepared an appetizer to go with the drinks, made up the meal ahead of time, and put together a beautiful dessert. While the guests were there, Mark offered up some drinks and talked with the guys while he grilled the meat. All had a great evening with lots of laughs. Once the guests had gone, Mark declared he was exhausted and that he had to get up early for the day shift. He promptly went to bed. Rachel, who also had work the next morning, stayed up late cleaning up after everyone, fuming. She didn’t talk to Mark for two days.
Before you get too angry with Mark, you must understand something. His mother was a stay-at-home mom who did everything for her family. She cooked dinner every night and cleaned up afterward without batting an eye. He had absolutely no clue how much work goes into entertaining, much less thoughts about helping to clean up. His unspoken expectation was that Rachel would handle it. Rachel, on the other hand, neglected to voice her expectation that he help with clean up because she assumed he would. His ignorance and her anger were both a result of unspoken expectations that neither of them were aware of.
Expectations do not kill communication; failing to express them does.
Mark and Rachel would have had a much different outcome had they taken a few minutes to discuss each other’s responsibilities beforehand. It wouldn’t have been much for him to clear the table and load the dishwasher while she rinsed. The whole evening was a success until Rachel was offended by her own assumptions.
Take the time to understand expectations for events, your job, even day-to-day things. Then negotiate solutions to those expectations. There are no givens!
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" February 4th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: communication, cop marriage, law enforcement marriage, police wives
Get in, Sit down, Shut Up and Hang On!
License plate frame, California
It was Christmas Day when I realized our honeymoon was over. I hated our new apartment, I didn’t know a soul, and I commuted to work an hour and a half each way through Los Angeles traffic. This place was very different from the small town of Chico where I grew up. On top of that, we had no money, a Charlie Brown Christmas tree we bought for eight bucks at a hardware store, and one gift from my grandparents. Brent was learning his new job in a difficult part of LA, and he worked swing shift on Christmas Eve. Me? Except for the manager’s kids who came by to sing carols at my door, I spent it alone. Earlier in December Brent graduated from the California Highway Patrol Academy, which was then and remains a residential training academy. We were given a week to move downstate and get settled before he reported for duty as a rookie officer in LA. Our six month marriage was already experiencing a tough season.
We went from five months of weekend-only bliss to shift work and mandatory overtime. We left a small town of supportive family and friends to join a sea of unfamiliar faces and places. Our rent went up significantly, gas became a greater burden, and I had to work full time to make ends meet. We didn’t know anyone except other new officers in the same boat. This was hard to handle all at once. But something else bothered me: Brent seemed to be changing, and not for the better. Working on the streets of LA was affecting him.
Brent had been a pre-med student and a church intern when I met him. He was tender and idealistic, but after he became a cop, he turned tough and painfully realistic. He saw some really disturbing things and couldn’t share everything with me. His sweet demeanor was disappearing, and I didn’t know what to do. Suspecting I wasn’t alone, I gingerly approached another newlywed wife whose husband graduated with Brent.
“Have you noticed a change in Bill lately?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” she replied.
“Well, it’s hard to explain. Brent has kind of an edginess now that I haven’t seen before. Some language too. He seems frustrated and angry. Has Bill acted like this?”
She looked at me like I was purple and promptly shook her head. I walked away, sorry I ever mentioned it. Well, that was helpful, I thought to myself, embarrassed I’d made something out of nothing. Three weeks later I was stunned to learn this same gal returned to her mother’s home and filed for divorce. Obviously something was wrong, and she chose to shut up and get out. I wasn’t giving in so easily. I decided at that moment that I would hold on tight to my man and find help.
But help was hard to find. It seemed everyone was tight-lipped about their relationships. And many of Brent’s friends on the patrol were single. So I had to figure it out for myself. I wondered what I’d gotten myself into. Suddenly I was married to someone different, and it wasn’t what I had envisioned. But the one thing that carried me through this early season was the fact that I’d made a promise to Brent in front of God and everyone that I’d stay with him until “death do us part.” I had to make it work.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" November 5th, 2012
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: chp, law enforcement, law enforcement marriage, Law Enforcement Spouse
Last night I heard that another law enforcement marriage looks like it’s ending. A couple from my own church. And it grieves me. Because I believe that those who stand up and stand in the gap deserve better. And those who love them and are willing to sacrifice parts of life that others don’t deserve better than this as well.
Well, I was inspired. And here’s what I wrote:
This is for the one who serves and protects. You, who stands up for us and puts your life on the line and says, “I will not let you” because the act is destructive. It hurts others, causes chaos, and even though this thing that the criminal wants to do may seem good to him at the time, it will ultimately lead to destruction of his own life. Thank you, thank you for putting on your uniform day after day and going out on the streets and protecting and serving those of us who appreciate you, and those who don’t appreciate you.
I have heard that you want out. That you are tired of the life that you have made with your spouse and you are daring to think that a life without her would be better. You have walked away, shut down the love, and have been looking elsewhere.
I acknowledge that you work long hours. That the job takes its toll. That you see things that people do to each other that are inexcusable. You’ve seen that life isn’t fair. You’ve seen who people are at their worst. Your job as a peacekeeper is difficult and lonely.
I acknowledge that almost three out of four police officers experiences divorce. It’s become a common thing – an expectation even – something that your leaders will tell you up front you’re headed for. So don’t even try. Lower your expectations, get what you can out of each relationship, and then when it gets tough, just cut bait and leave. Move onto wife number two. It’s what cops do.
I acknowledge that that person you married is difficult to live with. She doesn’t understand. She complains. She doesn’t seem happy. You’re not getting enough sex. And chances are, she doesn’t look like she did when she walked down the aisle to pledge her life to you.
I acknowledge that your life isn’t the way that you imagined it would be. It isn’t what you want anymore. That it’s been this way for so long that there’s no point in trying because you’re so tired and worn out and it’s just not worth the work to try anymore. You’ve been pushed beyond your ability to stay.
I acknowledge that there are others who look at you in your beautiful uniform and desire you. They are ready, willing and able to please you. They seem to understand, especially if they are wearing the same uniform. You’re beautiful. You’re desired. You’re feeling things you haven’t felt in a long time.
But it’s a lie.
All of it.
Being a cop does not mean that you have to be alone. It does not mean that you will get a divorce. This is, pardon the pun, a cop out.
I appeal to you as a warrior. You are willing to stand up and say NO! To fight for what’s right. You’re willing to lay your life down for this. Why, as a warrior, are you so unwilling to fight for your own marriage? For your family?
Your wife is a human being. Complex. Difficult. Hard to understand. And so are you. Complex. Difficult. Hard to understand. And your job makes things even more complex, difficult, and hard to understand. You put your life on the line, and you know what? So does she. She puts her sense of security on the line. She puts her heart on the line. She says, if something happens, I will make up the slack. I will carry on the family in your stead. And while your crisis-driven career makes your lives tumultuous, she says I will support, I will flex, I will go to things alone, I will let go of my expectations, I will do what is needed to make us work.
Who does that? Who would put up with that? Someone who is fiercely in love. Someone strong. Someone who has deep character. Someone who deserves that fierce love back. Someone who will serve and protect the life that she herself is willing to sacrifice for. She doesn’t deserve to be walked away from.
A long life together is a life of seasons. There will be winter seasons – when life is colorless and there isn’t much sex and it isn’t as you imagined it would be. But if you stick with it, and make choices to invest in your relationship, the spring will come, the summer will come, and it is continually a life of adventure, and pain, and happiness, and history, and goodness.
I appeal to you as a discerner. When your gut is telling you that something isn’t quite right, you put yourself on alert. You get in defensive posture, ready to take on the threat that you sense. But why do you allow yourself to be lulled in by beautiful women? A person who is willing to enter into a relationship with a married man is nothing but a thief. She’s willing to take something that isn’t hers because she WANTS it. Don’t you arrest thieves? Why?
She may be hot, but she’s selfish. She may seem to understand, but it really is all about her. And she may be willing to have sex, but she’ll dig her claws into you and destroy your marriage, your kids, your wallet, and your soul. And when she’s drained you dry, she’ll move on.
I appeal to you as a man in blue. Why have you stopped protecting your marriage? Why have you stopped serving your marriage? Because it was too hard? Because you’re too tired? Those cops who turn and run in the face of difficulty are called cowards. Stand up and be the brave man that you are.
You took an oath. To love, honor and cherish till death do you part. When did you stop loving? When did you stop honoring? When did you stop cherishing? Go back there. Start again. You have a choice to stand in the gap and say, NO! No divorce. No bad marriage.
As one who has put her heart on the line, she deserves it.
As one who has put your life on the line, you deserve it.
This is for the one who serves and protects. I’m appealing to you, to stand up for your marriage and put your choice on the line and say, “I will not give up.” Because leaving is destructive. It hurts others, causes chaos, and even though it may seem good to you now, it will ultimately lead to destruction of your own life.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 19th, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: cop marriage, divorce, infidelity, law enforcement marriage, police marriage, police wives
Copyright © 2016-2025 Victoria M. Newman. All Rights Reserved.
Web Site by: Half a Bubble Out Marketing & Advertising
