Yesterday I was taken aback by a beautiful gal who asked me to sign her book. She had her soon-to-be officer with her, and her 7-year-old son. I asked her a couple of questions and soon she was dabbing the edges of her eyes, careful not to mess up her mascara.
“I was doing fine until I heard what the wives said in the panel,” she confessed. “I’m just so overwhelmed…”
Her husband had a look. His deep eyes showed several guarded emotions. I imagined his thoughts. “I just went through six months of hell. I’m graduating tomorrow, and now she’s crying… what is the deal here? What’d you say to her?”
My hug was better than my stupid words. Fact is, the look in his eyes drew me a blank in the what to say category. I mumbled some worthless chatter, and hugged her again.
Since then, this little family has come back to my thoughts again and again. What do you say to someone who is just starting this journey we’ve been skipping and trudging through? We have to be realistic. She’s got to know what she’s getting into. But we also have to move forward. We know it’s tough – we just don’t know how tough. And unknowns are shadows in the distance.
How will this change my life? Change my man? Change me?
Our lives as peacekeeper families are a balance between white picket fences and cold, steel bars. Somewhere between happily ever after and death row. When a person steps up and pledges to give themselves to public service, he/she makes a decision – a promise – that drastically affects the lives of his/her family. This is true for all relationships, but not to the degree of the effects for warrior families. This is one reason why the CHP holds a four-hour training for it’s new officer families.
But it isn’t all bad, it isn’t all sacrifice, it isn’t all serious drudgery. Otherwise no one would take it on.
We do what we do because we are motivated by fierce love.
We do what we do because we dare to live with hope.
We do what we do because we have courage to live a life with risks.
Some days are easy, uneventful.
Some days pass by, slowed by loneliness.
Some days are filled with laughter, intimacy – the goodness that closeness brings.
Some days are filled with moodiness.
Some days are filled with confusion and conflict.
Some days are just, well, awesome.
It’s all how you choose to look at it.
The passing of days – ups and downs, circles and lines, outgrown shoes and fond memories, losses and benefits – develop into years of seasons between white paint and prison cells.
It is our adventure to live.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" October 26th, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: cop marriage, Marriage, new to law enforcement, police marriage, police wives
Starting this week, I will be posting my book, A CHiP on my Shoulder – How to Love Your Cop with Attitude. Yep, a couple of times a week, you’ll be able to start at the beginning and read through it, word for word.
Kind of an out of the box idea, I know. But here’s where I’m goin’ with this.
Back in late 2005 and early 2006, the California Highway Patrol lost a total of six officers over the holidays. It was AWFUL. We banded together as blue blood families do, and muddled through it. And some of their widows are now my friends. Chief often says that these ladies are real heroes, and I completely agree. But during that time, we were also losing officers to suicide. In the course of four years, 15 CHP officers took their own lives. During this rash of on duty deaths, the numbers seemed to increase in frequency.
Chief and I were about to turn in one evening, when he looked at his Blackberry one last time. Another suicide. I yelled to him across the room, “What are we DOING?!” I was talking about the CHP – what are THEY doing – but for some reason, I started asking myself the question. What am I doing? And soon thereafter, in a quiet moment with God, a title came to me: A CHiP on my Shoulder. I wouldn’t write it for another four years, but in that time I got involved. I started caring on purpose. I started listening. Joined the Family Panel. Listened some more. Did research. And finally I wrote – prayerfully and thoughtfully. And CHiP was born during the toughest season of marriage Chief and I have had to endure yet. Which actually made the book that much better.
A CHiP on my Shoulder became available this time last year. And only a small percentage of police spouses have read my book thus far. But the response has been almost overwhelming. I get lots of letters saying that CHiP has changed perspectives, brought more understanding, encouraged them, saved their marriage, and spurred much needed conversations with their officers. They laugh, they cry, they see themselves in what I wrote. And I’m thrilled.
But I’m just getting started. Because the response has been so positive, it’s given me the confidence to work even harder at getting the word out. Blogging my book is just one more step to that end. My hope is that more will hear what I have to offer – and that it will make a difference.
But I also would love it if you entered into a conversation with others (and me) about the book. Stories, positive comments, respectful disagreement, or other thoughts that are spurred by sections of the book are not only welcomed, but encouraged. I’m still listening to learn – and have plans for more resources. Talks, seminars, more books, Bible studies – these are what I’d eventually like to have available, and how much better will they be with the input of hundreds as compared with the 35 I listened to during the writing of CHiP!
The only thing I ask is that you keep it positive, and listen to learn with me. There is so much division in this world – we can’t possibly agree on everything! But we can respect each other in the process.
One last thing – subscribe and tell others, okay? If you find it helpful, maybe others will too. And we all need a little help from time to time. Especially in this crisis-driven field.
Thanks to those of you who have purchased my book, loaned it to others, and have sent me great letters. My hope is that many more will do this, and engage in the discussions. We need each other!
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 25th, 2012
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: cop marriage, law enforcement, police marriage, police wives
Last night I heard that another law enforcement marriage looks like it’s ending. A couple from my own church. And it grieves me. Because I believe that those who stand up and stand in the gap deserve better. And those who love them and are willing to sacrifice parts of life that others don’t deserve better than this as well.
Well, I was inspired. And here’s what I wrote:
This is for the one who serves and protects. You, who stands up for us and puts your life on the line and says, “I will not let you” because the act is destructive. It hurts others, causes chaos, and even though this thing that the criminal wants to do may seem good to him at the time, it will ultimately lead to destruction of his own life. Thank you, thank you for putting on your uniform day after day and going out on the streets and protecting and serving those of us who appreciate you, and those who don’t appreciate you.
I have heard that you want out. That you are tired of the life that you have made with your spouse and you are daring to think that a life without her would be better. You have walked away, shut down the love, and have been looking elsewhere.
I acknowledge that you work long hours. That the job takes its toll. That you see things that people do to each other that are inexcusable. You’ve seen that life isn’t fair. You’ve seen who people are at their worst. Your job as a peacekeeper is difficult and lonely.
I acknowledge that almost three out of four police officers experiences divorce. It’s become a common thing – an expectation even – something that your leaders will tell you up front you’re headed for. So don’t even try. Lower your expectations, get what you can out of each relationship, and then when it gets tough, just cut bait and leave. Move onto wife number two. It’s what cops do.
I acknowledge that that person you married is difficult to live with. She doesn’t understand. She complains. She doesn’t seem happy. You’re not getting enough sex. And chances are, she doesn’t look like she did when she walked down the aisle to pledge her life to you.
I acknowledge that your life isn’t the way that you imagined it would be. It isn’t what you want anymore. That it’s been this way for so long that there’s no point in trying because you’re so tired and worn out and it’s just not worth the work to try anymore. You’ve been pushed beyond your ability to stay.
I acknowledge that there are others who look at you in your beautiful uniform and desire you. They are ready, willing and able to please you. They seem to understand, especially if they are wearing the same uniform. You’re beautiful. You’re desired. You’re feeling things you haven’t felt in a long time.
But it’s a lie.
All of it.
Being a cop does not mean that you have to be alone. It does not mean that you will get a divorce. This is, pardon the pun, a cop out.
I appeal to you as a warrior. You are willing to stand up and say NO! To fight for what’s right. You’re willing to lay your life down for this. Why, as a warrior, are you so unwilling to fight for your own marriage? For your family?
Your wife is a human being. Complex. Difficult. Hard to understand. And so are you. Complex. Difficult. Hard to understand. And your job makes things even more complex, difficult, and hard to understand. You put your life on the line, and you know what? So does she. She puts her sense of security on the line. She puts her heart on the line. She says, if something happens, I will make up the slack. I will carry on the family in your stead. And while your crisis-driven career makes your lives tumultuous, she says I will support, I will flex, I will go to things alone, I will let go of my expectations, I will do what is needed to make us work.
Who does that? Who would put up with that? Someone who is fiercely in love. Someone strong. Someone who has deep character. Someone who deserves that fierce love back. Someone who will serve and protect the life that she herself is willing to sacrifice for. She doesn’t deserve to be walked away from.
A long life together is a life of seasons. There will be winter seasons – when life is colorless and there isn’t much sex and it isn’t as you imagined it would be. But if you stick with it, and make choices to invest in your relationship, the spring will come, the summer will come, and it is continually a life of adventure, and pain, and happiness, and history, and goodness.
I appeal to you as a discerner. When your gut is telling you that something isn’t quite right, you put yourself on alert. You get in defensive posture, ready to take on the threat that you sense. But why do you allow yourself to be lulled in by beautiful women? A person who is willing to enter into a relationship with a married man is nothing but a thief. She’s willing to take something that isn’t hers because she WANTS it. Don’t you arrest thieves? Why?
She may be hot, but she’s selfish. She may seem to understand, but it really is all about her. And she may be willing to have sex, but she’ll dig her claws into you and destroy your marriage, your kids, your wallet, and your soul. And when she’s drained you dry, she’ll move on.
I appeal to you as a man in blue. Why have you stopped protecting your marriage? Why have you stopped serving your marriage? Because it was too hard? Because you’re too tired? Those cops who turn and run in the face of difficulty are called cowards. Stand up and be the brave man that you are.
You took an oath. To love, honor and cherish till death do you part. When did you stop loving? When did you stop honoring? When did you stop cherishing? Go back there. Start again. You have a choice to stand in the gap and say, NO! No divorce. No bad marriage.
As one who has put her heart on the line, she deserves it.
As one who has put your life on the line, you deserve it.
This is for the one who serves and protects. I’m appealing to you, to stand up for your marriage and put your choice on the line and say, “I will not give up.” Because leaving is destructive. It hurts others, causes chaos, and even though it may seem good to you now, it will ultimately lead to destruction of your own life.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 19th, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: cop marriage, divorce, infidelity, law enforcement marriage, police marriage, police wives
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