I’ve been amused by several postings about Valentine’s Day by random Facebook friends. I’ve seen everything from “I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY! FREE PASS FOR THE HUSBAND!” to “Dude, what’s the big deal about V-Day? It’s all about the candy, Bro!” I’m sure feelings run from apathy to heart-palpitating anticipation, pure hatred to ooey-gooey delight, and tantalizing proposals to flat out pain. I’m sure every one of us can remember a February 14th without a valentine. Or at least without the right valentine.
Today you saw roses and chocolate in every store, and perhaps every well-traveled street corner. The expectation is there – it’s unmistakable. From candy hearts and pre-made cutout cards by the box, pink heart-shaped pancakes for breakfast and big lip balloons at work, we are expected to get in line and succumb to the Hallmark mandate: Buy the roses. Or else.
My husband and I have been married 23 years, and I have received a total of 21 Valentine’s cards. There were two consecutive years that Chief decided to buck the system. It was a painful decision. He rebelled against the bejeweled expectations, roiled against the controlled hype of FTD, and refused to go with the Hershey’s flow.
“I told you once that I loved you,” he assured me, “I’ll let you know if I change my mind.”* And to some degree, it makes sense. This is how a lot of men feel. They resent being told that unless they go for the mushy, their love is less than adequate. Who says that a red cardboard box filled with empty calories is proof of devotion?! No wonder people hate Valentine’s Day!
But it hurt my feelings the first year. And the second – well, let’s just say he doesn’t miss an opportunity – even a silly one – to let me know how he feels.
We women LOVE to be loved. We long to be cherished. We desire to be desired. It is engrained into our very being. And when the day to day is mundane, and our dates few and far in between, and routine takes over, and those extra pounds from Christmas plague our sense of sexiness, a little pick-me-up is just what the doctor ordered. It’s the reminder that even though we’re committed and our love is strong, some extra effort to make each other feel special makes the journey that much more pleasurable. But perhaps it might be even better if we just did this from time to time without all the cutesy hoopla.
Once my husband understood the value I place on such gestures, he’s not so quick to shoot Cupid with his semi-automatic. Before the sun came up this morning, I was relishing the scent of a dozen roses and basking in the words within the pink card “with swirlies on it.” And before the night is done, he’ll be aptly reminded that chocolate is an aphrodisiac…
Hate Valentine’s Day? Just remember… it’s ALL about the candy, Bro!
*For concerned sisters, this was a tongue in cheek joke spoken by a cop.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" February 15th, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Sunday was the BIG game. We walked across the street to our neighbor’s home, where the food is ample and amazing. I brought sun-dried tomato pesto appetizers – and they were gone in ten minutes. I brought wedges of brownie pizza – and they were gone in four. I didn’t expect that.
We rooted for the Patriots. It was the Year of Revenge – where they would beat every team that denied them Super Bowl victories of the past. We wanted them to win, but the Giants took that away. We didn’t expect that either.
In the last couple weeks several people I know have had things happen they didn’t expect:
A young couple gave birth to their daughter – they didn’t expect her to need open heart surgery immediately afterward.
My son’s dream was to be a Marine – we didn’t expect that he would be medically discharged.
A friend expected that her son would make a certain baseball team – he didn’t.
A friend’s father was finally healing after a difficult illness – they didn’t expect his sudden death.
A police officer didn’t expect that a foot pursuit would end in a need for shoulder surgery.
A group of five people driving home from the Super Bowl didn’t expect that three of them would never make it – after they were hit by a drunk driver.
On the other hand, sometimes we expect things not to happen, and we are surprised and pleased. A check arrives in the mail. A new job offer. Flowers on the doorstep (hint, hint!).
Our lives are constantly changing, twisting and turning, bringing pain and bringing joy. We never know what to expect. Especially as spouses of those with crisis-driven careers. And newsflash: there’s not a darn thing we can do about it. So much of life is out of our control.
What we can control is our expectations of loved ones. If there is discord, misunderstanding or conflict, often it is because others failed to meet our expectations. They didn’t make it on time, they didn’t have the right response, they were insensitive, they didn’t do what was asked. We are disappointed, we are angry, we want to lash out, and sometimes we even want to give up. So much of conflict is based on assumptions.
What am I expecting of my spouse? My kids?
People at work, school?
What am I expecting of friends, family?
What am I expecting of God?
What do others expect of me?
Are these expectations fair? If not, we adjust.
Have I communicated them clearly? If not, then I can start today.
I think these questions are worth asking and answering. We can’t control the unexpected happenings of life, and obviously we won’t always get what we expect. But we can take honest inventory of what we expect from those we love, and communicate clearly, improving our relationships, and making life just a little bit better.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" February 8th, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Today is Day One of my new blog. Welcome to my mind – let me share my heart…
Who am I?
I’m a 40-something wife of an Asst. Chief in the California Highway Patrol. I have four children: two young adults, a teenager, and a pre-teen, all living at home. I learn a lot from these five people who I share my life with. They are real, growing and changing persons, and at times this is hilarious. They are my family, my home.
I wrote “A CHiP on my Shoulder – How to Love Your Cop with Attitude,” a book specifically for law enforcement spouses. It’s my first book; won’t be my last. Rumor has it that cops all over the country are reading it too, but don’t tell them I told you, okay? I also mentor, speak, and comfort all ages of women who I come into contact with.
Some people say I look like Meg Ryan, but that was before she had plastic surgery and I gained 20 pounds. Okay, thirty. But I still hold onto that image of her in the yellow dress in Top Gun, comforting a tearful Tom Cruise in his naval uniform, offering altruistic comfort in the midst of her own pain. That’s the image I hold onto in my mind, even if the mirror doesn’t agree.
Why the blog?
I love uniforms. Police officers. Firefighters. Military. I love what they do, and how they do it. I love that they get it – that other people matter, and that some things are worth putting your life on the line to protect. And I have a passion to support them by supporting those who support them. Did you get that? Uniforms put themselves on the line, but there are those at home who love them, and have to make their own sacrifices. It’s never easy, and takes courage and tenacity to make a good marriage, a good home.
My early years with my cop on the street and babes in arms were lonely. I didn’t have many girlfriends who were married to cops. Los Angeles covers many traffic-jammed miles – we cop wives were spread apart, and others were breaking apart before our eyes. I love that we are joining together through education, shared experiences, police wives groups, and internet. We need each other!
So, what will I write about?
Being a cop wife. Being a mom. Being a whole woman. My observations and experiences with cop families. Lessons learned from little pieces of my life. Occasionally, I will share some God moments, as I am a woman of faith. Basically, anything and everything that can bring hope, help and sometimes humor to this life we live as LEOWs (law enforcement officer wives). Our spouses have backup on the street, we are their backup at home, but we, too, need support. We need backup for our homes. I hope my book, blog, and beyond will be beneficial (BTW, I like to play with words). At any rate, I got your back!
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" January 31st, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
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