Chief and I were on Interstate 5 somewhere in central California when he asked me a question. It was one of those moments. Like when you see smoke rising from a discharged revolver. Or taser darts that grabbed high and low – a perfect hit. Or the boot print on my assets. It was a question that opened up a long forgotten door to my inner self, shedding light on an issue that was meant to be hidden.
I hate when he does that.
Well, not really. Because after the initial hot alligator tears of anger comes gradual relief as I see the silhouette of an obstacle. And like all obstacles, it’s in the way.
Obstacles are kind of like hurdles. And that word right there conjures up memories of gym class eons ago when the coach put out those white L-shaped contraptions on a perfectly good track. My palms get a little sweaty just thinking about it. For those of you who I’ve not met in person, I’ll clue you in. I’m short. And I was blessed with Scottish genes that gave me muscular thighs that should move fast but don’t and a long torso. This translates to very few hurdles left intact after I’ve bumbled through. It’s a wonder I kept all my teeth through the track and field weeks. My knees and elbows still bear the scars of blood long lost on hurdle day.
Chief’s question made me very much aware that I struggle with fear. Fear of heights. Fear of failure. Fear of dying when I run too long. The list goes on a little further, but I think you get the point.
As I made peace with this new realization, I was reminded of a picture my aunt gave me on my 40th birthday. It was a picture of a little blond girl of maybe four years old, running full force through the grass, a look of pure delight and excitement on her face. She had bright eyes and a huge laughing smile. It was me. My aunt wrote a note that said this is how she sees me, even now. It was my favorite gift that year.
With that picture in mind and the fear obstacle in front of me, I made the decision to tackle my fears in 2013. To sprint full force toward the things that scare me, and leave no fear hurdle unturned, even if I have to skin my knees along the way. My word for this year is FEARLESS.
I plan to run a marathon late in the year, with little races on the way. For my 25th anniversary I’m having Chief take me to Maui to learn to surf. And this summer I will jump out of an airplane. There are other goals and fears that I want to tackle as well. It’ll be a new season of adventure!
What about you? Want to join me? What word will be the theme of your 2013? What’s your game plan? I’d love to hear.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" January 4th, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: Courage, Fear, law enforcement, police wives
My, how 2012 has unfolded.
At this time last year I had a book in hand and a trip overseas planned. I had a dream – but would not have guessed the places I was to go, and the people I would meet. It’s been a wild ride, but one that I cherish and that I treasure.
A few highlights:
In February: I went on a trip to the Philippines with CODE 3 International to bring the Courageous movie to over 5000 Philippine National Police officers. That was incredible.
In April: I had a huge book signing in my hometown, Chico, California. Lost count of how many came. I met some wonderful girls who told me of the needs there. In November, I went back for a conference that several of them put together, and now I hear there are new relationships that have formed, and there are tentative plans to do another in the area, and talk of doing it statewide.
In May: I traveled to Washington DC for Police Week with CODE 3 International. What an incredible week. Thousands of police officers and their families. Made connections and sold many books. I also entered into contract with a client to write a second book.
In August: I loved speaking to the San Diego Wives Club and going to dinner with the leadership. They are a truly lovely group of women. I still get all warm and fuzzy when I think of them.
In July and October: I visited Texas, Kentucky and Tennessee for interviews with Army service members for my next book.
In between these significant events, I have connected with several of you over the course of the year, networking, helping, mentoring, listening, and working together on projects. I love what I do because of you.
This year I’ve had a theme word that I kept in mind all year long. It was SPEAK. When I chose it last year as the theme of 2012, it was just about self-explanatory. I’d just come out with a book and had speaking engagements on the horizon. But then in August, a precious girl spoke up after I’d spoken in San Diego. “What if we do the things you’re suggesting, but our LEO still holds onto the remote?” This was a response to cops who veg on the couch in the coming down phase of hypervigilance. I had talked about this phenomenon, and we agreed it was difficult on a marriage. Without thinking, I blurted out – “You stand in front of the TV!”
This brought on a whole new meaning to my theme word, and I incorporated my theme more deeply in my marriage and role as a mom. To speak is to be courageous. To be in touch with our relationships. To dare to realize that there are areas that need improvement and then communicate this with our spouse and children. We can initiate change if we find our voice.
In the course of the year, I’ve also discovered that to speak wisely, it is also imperative to listen. In the interview process of this next book, Selfish Prayer, I flew to different parts of the country to ask questions of soldiers who were in Afghanistan. Because I don’t have a military background, I had to listen quite intently, learning as I went. I had to decipher the language of the Army, medical terminology, and listen to the personalities of the men involved so that I could accurately and creatively tell their story. And then as I translated it all to paper, I realized I had listened well, but still had much to learn of their experience.
I’ve learned much through this year about communication. To SPEAK is to dare to suppose I have something to offer the world. But in this I also learned that humble confidence is key to SPEAKING WELL. Whether it’s before an audience of a thousand, or one.
I have a new word for 2013. It is FEARLESS.
More on that tomorrow…
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" December 31st, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: communication, New Year, police, police wives
Christmas Thoughts for the Hurting
Last year Christmas was very difficult for our family. In the midst of the culmination of a dream – the release of my first published book – our family experienced a very painful season. In light of so many life-altering events that we hear about and experience every day, I want to share our story – humbly and vulnerably – in hopes that it will bring hope to those who are hurting.
In the fall of 2011, my son, fresh out of high school, left for USMC boot camp. We had invested a 2-year journey of exploration, prayer and gut-searching talks about this decision, and Chief and I were very supportive, as were our other three children. We were ready – even a little excited – about being a Marine family.
Five weeks in, it all began to fall apart.
My son called me from an ambulance – he and several others had pneumonia, but they also suspected he had meningitis. His boot camp brothers were given antibiotics and sent back. My son underwent a spinal tap, which paralyzed him from the knees down for three days. He was subsequently separated from Bravo Company, a devastating blow.
This set into motion a downward spiral of ill-fated circumstances that stripped our son of everything. He fought back with a burning intensity, but in the end, he was medically discharged from the Marine Corps, and arrived home shortly before Christmas.
To add insult to raw hurts and insecurities, our reunion in the airport sparked the interest of some nearby. He was mistaken for having come back from war, and was thanked for his service. He looked, talked, walked like a Marine, but he was not a Marine.
Our journey had only begun. We were not fully aware of the things he’d undergone. We just knew he was deeply confused, lost, and hurting.
We had planned to postpone Christmas until the second week of January, after his graduation. The kids were totally willing to wait. We were gonna keep the tree up no matter how dry, and have people over for dinner, and do the whole thing in January. But that didn’t happen either. We spent Christmas Day together in a fog. We went through the motions, very glad to have our son home, but there were questions lingering, and pain that oozed from our confusion, and we passed over it in the spirit of the season.
“Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la…”
I suspect that many of you will do the same this year. We’ve lost several of our blue brothers recently, one only on the job for four months. Just this month, California Highway Patrol lost two of our own – one from his own hand, the other in an off-duty hit-and-run. There are 27 families in Connecticut that will be without their loved ones, and in Colorado 12 more. Losses, cancer, people without work, broken dreams, broken lives, broken people.
“Long lay the world in sin and error pining…”
Some words I wrote in this season:
“Oh, Lord, I come to you this morning with heaviness of heart. With longing for peace, for answers, for direction… As always I look for quick answers – for resolved revelation, so we can move on from this dark, confusing place…
“Can I, in this Christmas season, have joy in the midst of hardship? Can I rejoice – return to joy – amidst my circumstances, by faith? Help me to understand this: there is unfinished business in our home, but You know all about it, have a plan, had a plan, and are carrying it out now. The solution will not be wrapped as a gift under the tree at Christmas Hollywood-style, but yet help me return to faith, return to joy, return to the knowledge I have of Your character. It is in this place, bolstered in the assurance of Your sovereignty and individualized love for my family, that I dare to re-joice.” – (Journal Entry, December 23, 2011)
Five months later, I was at the Law Enforcement Memorial in Washington DC. It was Mother’s Day – and the Candlelight Vigil was to begin in a couple of hours. My phone rang, and my son wished me a happy day. And then he told me that while in boot camp, he witnessed a suicide attempt, close enough to get blood splatter on his uniform.
A cold chill went down my spine. And then the thoughts that had been a jumbled mess for months suddenly aligned. Oh. Now I get it. My son had post-traumatic stress from a violent act he witnessed firsthand.
I listened. I prayed. I called Chief. I called our Marine recruiter. And while I was on the phone, a Marine in his uniform hobbled by on crutches at the Vigil site. He had only one leg.
Finally, the truth was known. Now we can do something.
When I got back, we got our son into EMDR therapy. We journeyed alongside him through nightmares, anger, grief, sadness, and the aftermath of difficult sessions.
And then, slowly but surely, he started coming back. And our relationships deepened. Trust was built. Genuine, unguarded hugs were exchanged. And the darkness has lifted.
My thoughts this year:
“Lord, I am amazed by Your faithfulness. This past year has been a walk of faith through many trials. And although life isn’t perfect, it is good.
“I have trusted Your character, Lord, and You have been completely faithful. I have been imperfect in my trust, but You have been perfect in Your love and guidance, in Your vision for us, and Your plan in the midst of our pain.
“This Christmas season has a renewed hope within our lives. We’ve been through the storm – tossed and shaken, uprooted and battered. And now we are rebuilding. My trust in You has grown; my inner panic in the midst of circumstances that seem so bad on the outside has subsided as I learn how You work. You are the Master Potter, the Chief Weaver, the Patient Artist. You have Your vision, and You carefully, faithfully, lovingly bring it together in Your time.
“I am peaceful in the midst of this process – still afraid, still moved by circumstance, but anchored by the hope of Your Mighty Hand.” – Journal Entry, December 1, 2012
Losing loved ones in the process of human life is so difficult. The grief can be devastating. Walking through unknowns in our marriages, with our health, our kids – overwhelming. But there is One who is very much concerned, very present in your pain, and very able to comfort. He will help you rebuild, from the inside out.
Life’s solutions are not wrapped in pretty packages. They unfold in time, as we dare to emerge from the shadows, knowing there is the light of hope beyond the dark.
“O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night and death’s dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee…”
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" December 21st, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: hope, law enforcement deaths, military, pain, suicide
Yesterday I was taken aback by a beautiful gal who asked me to sign her book. She had her soon-to-be officer with her, and her 7-year-old son. I asked her a couple of questions and soon she was dabbing the edges of her eyes, careful not to mess up her mascara.
“I was doing fine until I heard what the wives said in the panel,” she confessed. “I’m just so overwhelmed…”
Her husband had a look. His deep eyes showed several guarded emotions. I imagined his thoughts. “I just went through six months of hell. I’m graduating tomorrow, and now she’s crying… what is the deal here? What’d you say to her?”
My hug was better than my stupid words. Fact is, the look in his eyes drew me a blank in the what to say category. I mumbled some worthless chatter, and hugged her again.
Since then, this little family has come back to my thoughts again and again. What do you say to someone who is just starting this journey we’ve been skipping and trudging through? We have to be realistic. She’s got to know what she’s getting into. But we also have to move forward. We know it’s tough – we just don’t know how tough. And unknowns are shadows in the distance.
How will this change my life? Change my man? Change me?
Our lives as peacekeeper families are a balance between white picket fences and cold, steel bars. Somewhere between happily ever after and death row. When a person steps up and pledges to give themselves to public service, he/she makes a decision – a promise – that drastically affects the lives of his/her family. This is true for all relationships, but not to the degree of the effects for warrior families. This is one reason why the CHP holds a four-hour training for it’s new officer families.
But it isn’t all bad, it isn’t all sacrifice, it isn’t all serious drudgery. Otherwise no one would take it on.
We do what we do because we are motivated by fierce love.
We do what we do because we dare to live with hope.
We do what we do because we have courage to live a life with risks.
Some days are easy, uneventful.
Some days pass by, slowed by loneliness.
Some days are filled with laughter, intimacy – the goodness that closeness brings.
Some days are filled with moodiness.
Some days are filled with confusion and conflict.
Some days are just, well, awesome.
It’s all how you choose to look at it.
The passing of days – ups and downs, circles and lines, outgrown shoes and fond memories, losses and benefits – develop into years of seasons between white paint and prison cells.
It is our adventure to live.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" October 26th, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: cop marriage, Marriage, new to law enforcement, police marriage, police wives
Last night I heard that another law enforcement marriage looks like it’s ending. A couple from my own church. And it grieves me. Because I believe that those who stand up and stand in the gap deserve better. And those who love them and are willing to sacrifice parts of life that others don’t deserve better than this as well.
Well, I was inspired. And here’s what I wrote:
This is for the one who serves and protects. You, who stands up for us and puts your life on the line and says, “I will not let you” because the act is destructive. It hurts others, causes chaos, and even though this thing that the criminal wants to do may seem good to him at the time, it will ultimately lead to destruction of his own life. Thank you, thank you for putting on your uniform day after day and going out on the streets and protecting and serving those of us who appreciate you, and those who don’t appreciate you.
I have heard that you want out. That you are tired of the life that you have made with your spouse and you are daring to think that a life without her would be better. You have walked away, shut down the love, and have been looking elsewhere.
I acknowledge that you work long hours. That the job takes its toll. That you see things that people do to each other that are inexcusable. You’ve seen that life isn’t fair. You’ve seen who people are at their worst. Your job as a peacekeeper is difficult and lonely.
I acknowledge that almost three out of four police officers experiences divorce. It’s become a common thing – an expectation even – something that your leaders will tell you up front you’re headed for. So don’t even try. Lower your expectations, get what you can out of each relationship, and then when it gets tough, just cut bait and leave. Move onto wife number two. It’s what cops do.
I acknowledge that that person you married is difficult to live with. She doesn’t understand. She complains. She doesn’t seem happy. You’re not getting enough sex. And chances are, she doesn’t look like she did when she walked down the aisle to pledge her life to you.
I acknowledge that your life isn’t the way that you imagined it would be. It isn’t what you want anymore. That it’s been this way for so long that there’s no point in trying because you’re so tired and worn out and it’s just not worth the work to try anymore. You’ve been pushed beyond your ability to stay.
I acknowledge that there are others who look at you in your beautiful uniform and desire you. They are ready, willing and able to please you. They seem to understand, especially if they are wearing the same uniform. You’re beautiful. You’re desired. You’re feeling things you haven’t felt in a long time.
But it’s a lie.
All of it.
Being a cop does not mean that you have to be alone. It does not mean that you will get a divorce. This is, pardon the pun, a cop out.
I appeal to you as a warrior. You are willing to stand up and say NO! To fight for what’s right. You’re willing to lay your life down for this. Why, as a warrior, are you so unwilling to fight for your own marriage? For your family?
Your wife is a human being. Complex. Difficult. Hard to understand. And so are you. Complex. Difficult. Hard to understand. And your job makes things even more complex, difficult, and hard to understand. You put your life on the line, and you know what? So does she. She puts her sense of security on the line. She puts her heart on the line. She says, if something happens, I will make up the slack. I will carry on the family in your stead. And while your crisis-driven career makes your lives tumultuous, she says I will support, I will flex, I will go to things alone, I will let go of my expectations, I will do what is needed to make us work.
Who does that? Who would put up with that? Someone who is fiercely in love. Someone strong. Someone who has deep character. Someone who deserves that fierce love back. Someone who will serve and protect the life that she herself is willing to sacrifice for. She doesn’t deserve to be walked away from.
A long life together is a life of seasons. There will be winter seasons – when life is colorless and there isn’t much sex and it isn’t as you imagined it would be. But if you stick with it, and make choices to invest in your relationship, the spring will come, the summer will come, and it is continually a life of adventure, and pain, and happiness, and history, and goodness.
I appeal to you as a discerner. When your gut is telling you that something isn’t quite right, you put yourself on alert. You get in defensive posture, ready to take on the threat that you sense. But why do you allow yourself to be lulled in by beautiful women? A person who is willing to enter into a relationship with a married man is nothing but a thief. She’s willing to take something that isn’t hers because she WANTS it. Don’t you arrest thieves? Why?
She may be hot, but she’s selfish. She may seem to understand, but it really is all about her. And she may be willing to have sex, but she’ll dig her claws into you and destroy your marriage, your kids, your wallet, and your soul. And when she’s drained you dry, she’ll move on.
I appeal to you as a man in blue. Why have you stopped protecting your marriage? Why have you stopped serving your marriage? Because it was too hard? Because you’re too tired? Those cops who turn and run in the face of difficulty are called cowards. Stand up and be the brave man that you are.
You took an oath. To love, honor and cherish till death do you part. When did you stop loving? When did you stop honoring? When did you stop cherishing? Go back there. Start again. You have a choice to stand in the gap and say, NO! No divorce. No bad marriage.
As one who has put her heart on the line, she deserves it.
As one who has put your life on the line, you deserve it.
This is for the one who serves and protects. I’m appealing to you, to stand up for your marriage and put your choice on the line and say, “I will not give up.” Because leaving is destructive. It hurts others, causes chaos, and even though it may seem good to you now, it will ultimately lead to destruction of your own life.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 19th, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: cop marriage, divorce, infidelity, law enforcement marriage, police marriage, police wives
Yesterday we buried Officer Kenyon Youngstrom and paid tribute to who he was as an officer, a family man, and a man of faith. We heard from several CHP officers, some of whom shed tears while they spoke, and I offered Kleenex to still others who were affected. Many of the officers present did not even know Kenyon. I didn’t.
And I ask myself,
Why do some people hate cops so much?
Why does a man see a young officer on the side of the road tending to a dead deer, pull over, and come out shooting? Where does that rage come from?
A few days prior, a fellow LEO wife had her husband’s uniform hanging in her car, and decided to stop at 7-11 on her way home from the dry cleaners. Four scumbags nearby commented rather loudly, “That guy should’ve taken out more cops before he got gunned down in cold blood.” Where does that come from? It sends shivers down my spine. (And it’s a reminder to all of us LEOWs to put the dry cleaning in the trunk).
I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit. Asking God about it. And then …
Across the world, Muslim extremists are tearing our embassies apart, and killed our Ambassador to Libya and three others, including two Marines. It makes my blood boil.
Where does that come from? Why do some people hate America so much?
I drove myself to the funeral yesterday – in my blue Prius. My car didn’t look like the others that were parked on every flat surface a half mile radius around the church. And I watched cops arrive from every direction. They are intimidating. Chiseled faces, helmets and caps, sunglasses, shiny badges, lights flickering, weapons around their waists. Because I’m sorta into this kinda thing, I got this warm feeling inside. Wow. But what about others who got caught in the traffic jam? Did the same view that gives me warm fuzzies give them a sense of dread? I’d be willing to bet yes.
There are three different kinds of people in this world. There are sheep, wolves, and sheepdogs.*
The sheep are the biggest group – they live quiet lives meal to meal, don’t care about much that doesn’t affect their world, and just want to be safe and happy.
The wolves want to prey on the sheep. Devour them. Satiate their thirst for blood and death. Most predators don’t care if it gets messy.
And then there are the sheepdogs that make up only 2% of the population. They’re a little confusing. They look like predators on the outside (cute, yes, but look at their sharp teeth), but their motivation – their job – is to keep the sheep safe. They stand in the way of danger and say to the wolves that they will not feast on the sheep. They stand in the way of danger, and say to the wolves – YOU WILL NOT EAT. And how do you think those wolves feel about that? Probably strong enough to randomly pull over on the side of the road and kill him.
I also see our country as a sheepdog. We’re big, we’re powerful. We have beautiful brass shiny things, and chiseled jaws, a very cool flag and weapons around our waist. We are intimidating. And for decades we’ve said to wolves throughout history, YOU WILL NOT EAT. And how do you think those wolves feel about that? Strong enough to hijack planes and turn them into bombs. Strong enough to shoot our US Ambassador and drag his dead body through the streets.
Do you think the sheep are happy the sheepdogs are around? You’d think so. And some are. But sometimes those sheepdogs get a little bossy. Sometimes the sheepdogs have to get after the sheep because they’re doing something stupid that could jeopardize their safety. And because of that, sheep aren’t always grateful. Instead, they’re irritated.
Sometimes sheepdogs die protecting the sheep. Not gladly, but willingly. And those of us who commit to our sheepdogs understand the risks. But we love them anyway.
Because they’re people. Humans who tear up when it’s safe to do so. They love, and laugh, and feel deeply and play, but they are still sheepdogs at the core of their being. And when they put on the uniform, they tell wolves, NO LAMBCHOPS TODAY.
There are some that reason that if there were no sheepdogs, there would be no wolves. If we lay our weapons down, if we just learn to understand, be nice, try not to offend, then the wolves will go away. But if our cops cease to exist, or if America ceases to exist, it doesn’t mean the wolves will go prancing into the sunset with nothing to do.
It means they will devour the sheep.
*This idea comes courtesy of LtCol. Dave Grossman, awesome speaker and author of On Combat and On Killing.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 14th, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: law enforcement, law enforcement death, police, police wives
I wrote the following narrative a couple of days after September 11th, 2001 to a group of mothers of preschoolers. Thought I’d share it with you (adding a little commentary here and there as well as changing the kids’ names):
“The phone rang about 7:30 am, waking my husband and I out of a sound, jet-lagged sleep. As a law enforcement family, we were used to getting calls at all hours, so naturally, Chief (then “Sarge”) answered the phone.
“You’re kidding.” Silence. “No-we got in late last night.” Silence. “It’s okay – we’re home, no need to worry. I can’t believe this.” After Sarge hung up the phone, he said to me, “That was Mom. Follow me – America has just changed forever.” We stumbled to the television in the den. We watched in dismay as they replayed scenes of airplanes slamming into the World Trade Center Towers. The LIVE picture showed only one tower standing, then it, too, gave way to dust. We were stunned.
Two days earlier we were on Patrick Air Force Base in Cocoa Beach, Florida. We had originally booked our tickets to return Tuesday morning, September 11, but through some strange circumstances we reluctantly cut our stay short. Brent’s mother feared we were stuck on the East Coast – or worse – aboard one of the hijacked planes previously headed for California.
Words cannot explain the pain that has invaded the heart of our country. Loss of life; financial implications; security concerns; (and I add war here) – our way of life has been altered. It is of some consolation to see that America has returned to united patriotism and to the One who gave us our freedom. Somehow our suffering has been able to strip down the walls that divide us – we’re praying together, looking for comfort and re-evaluating what is truly important.
Several years ago, amidst the anguish of losing a close friend to cancer, a wise lady told me, “Ask God what He wants you to learn through this.” Somehow her question brought about the realization that there could be some purpose to the pain. I never forgot it – and my compassion deepened through the mourning and recovery processes.
So I ask myself – and you – how can we find purpose in the midst of this tragedy? Is it not an appropriate time to take inventory of our priorities?
As a parent I have been thinking of my main priority – my kids. As I watched events unfold, I was periodically called away to care for the needs of my children. Looking back, I see it as a blessing that a mother’s job is 24/7; for the interspersed smiles of innocence on my little ones’ faces brought relief in the midst of sadness.
Bubba* (then 10) and Ralphie** (8 at the time) watched with curiosity and lots of questions, until more important things called away their attention, such as wrestling in the front room, or reading American Girl magazine. Mini-Me*** (then 5) was engaged in her favorite pastime – coloring, and of course brought each masterpiece to Mom and Dad for our hearty approval. Little Guy**** toddled and babbled about the house making messes for me to deal with later, but every so often, he’d see my tears, crawl into my lap, and give me “loves.” Precious moments like these renew a sense of joy in the privilege I have of influencing my little ones on a day to day basis. I have found renewed purpose within the pain.
It is now that we as parents deter the downward spiral of insanity within our society. We may feel like our efforts are small in this American struggle – flags pasted in our mini-van windows, prayers sent up for the rescue workers at Ground Zero during bedtime, a few extra dollars donated, ribbons worn on our kid-soiled T-shirts – but I think we have a calling that is a powerful weapon against the fears of tomorrow. We are engaged in quiet combat within our homes – on the offensive for the raising of an excellent future people.
Ladies, we have been given the stewardship of a great national resource. Let us teach our children godly morality, instilling in them virtues of courage, perseverance, and selflessness through loving discipline and instruction. Today we are training America’s heroes for tomorrow…”
*Bubba is our oldest daughter – Chief called her that and the name just stuck.
**Ralphie is our oldest son – he used to look like the blond kid in The Christmas Story.
***Mini-Me is third in line – and she is a carbon copy of me, I’m afraid to admit.
****Little Guy – our youngest – although he’s just as tall as me now.
In the years since that fateful day, I have seen the changes that America has gone through. Every year I re-watch the documentaries and listen to the accounts of that day. I watch firemen and cops weep over the loss of their brothers as they talk about what happened, how they wonder why they survived and others didn’t. And currently I am writing about saving lives in Afghanistan – the war that resulted from September 11th. Much has changed in America because of that day.
In my home, I see my children eleven years later, growing into good people who care about the world and are dedicated to making contributions where they can. Chief and I can see that our efforts have made a difference.
At the time, I thought Chief was being dramatic when he declared that America had changed. But, as usual, he was right.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 11th, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: 9/11, mothers, parenting, police wives
Seven Books For Police Families
Way back in the dark ages of the late 80s, before everyone had a computer and a cell phone, there was no information or help for those of us who were new law enforcement wives. Some of us muddled through, some gave it up, but in LA, very few of us ever spoke to each other. Marriage topics were taboo, unless someone was bold enough to rant to the world about their home life. And really, that wasn’t helpful.
I’m pleased to say that this is no longer the case. We’re now stepping into the 21st century, realizing that the status quo just isn’t good enough. Law enforcement marriages have been breaking apart – according to studies, almost 3 out of 4 police marriages will end in divorce. And it affects everyone – spouses, children, extended families, cops, departments and our culture. Broken marriages extend pain beyond just the two involved. But I think those who step up to the thin blue line deserve better than this. So do those who are brave enough to love them.
In the last several years, concerned people have decided that they cared enough to help. They wrote books, put together seminars, and started groups, Facebook pages, ministries and blogs. I thought I would mention seven books I’ve read that I think would be helpful for some, comforting to others, and life-changing for still more. As I read more books in the future, I will let you know what I find.
The first is the pioneer – I Love a Cop by Dr. Ellen Kirschman. She is a clinical psychologist from California who works with peace officers and their families. She put together a wealth of information on what she has learned every police family should be aware of. I consider it a resource that every family member of a police officer should have on their shelf. It is an eye-opener.
Next comes Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement by Dr. Kevin M. Gilmartin. This book is a must-read. The author is a former police officer and now consults with law enforcement agencies as a behavior scientist across the country and in Canada. He explains the psychology and physiology of being a police officer. My husband attended a class with him, and told me that it was the first time in his life he felt understood.
The third is Bullets in the Washing Machine by Melissa Littles. Melissa is married to an officer in Oklahoma and started an internet group called “The Police Wife Life.” Her Treadmill Thoughts of the Day range from hysterical to in-your-face truths as she talks about many aspects of the life of an LEOW. Her book is a collection of several true stories that are both heartwarming and thought-provoking. Thousands of LEOWs across the country draw strength and laughter from Melissa.
Dependence Day, written by Heidi Paulson, documents a spiritual and emotional journey of healing after her husband crashes his motorcycle while on duty in Montana. She exhibits great strength in the face of many grueling months post-accident. It is inspiring to read for every day, but if your cop gets injured on the job, this resource would be a great comfort and guide.
The next book is written to officers, but I personally got a lot of understanding and new perspective from it. It’s called Arresting Communication and is by a retired police officer out of Illinois named Jim Glennon. Be warned that this book is laced with profanity, but also contains some great principles about communication for cops, on the job and at home.
Chaplain Allison Uribe, a chaplain and LEOW from Texas, wrote a faith-based book for law enforcement wives based on her own experience. It’s called Because I’m Suitable – The Journey of a Wife on Duty. Complete with tons of Scripture, thoughtful questions, and warm encouragement, this book can be used for Bible study groups. I have been personally going through the book on my own and it has been really great to stretch me in my relationship with my husband. Allison also runs a ministry to LEOWs called Wives on Duty.
The last is A CHiP on my Shoulder – How to Love Your Cop with Attitude, by yours truly. I wrote CHiP based on my own experience, interviews with over 35 police families, research, and feedback from those who are smarter than I. What results is a real but positive how-to book that gives new perspectives and understanding for the spouse of a police officer. I talk about communication, kids, money, support systems, sex, and difficulties that are specific to a crisis-driven career.
These are resources that I feel are helpful to the families of law enforcement. If you know of another book or seminar that would be helpful, please email me at victoria@how2loveyourcop.com, or comment here. I’ll check it out. In the meantime, I will continue to develop more resources in the days to come – books, seminars, speaking engagements and other resources to help police families not only survive, but thrive.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 4th, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: police marriage, police wives
Years ago my daughter was having a really bad day. Like nothing was going right. At all. She was cranky. Really cranky. Like spouting off to me and her brother for nothing. Everything was bad. Really bad. Like climb back into bed and pull the covers over your head bad.
And then the tears started. And they wouldn’t stop. I remember coming out of her room, shaking my head at her little brother, who was nine at the time.
He looked at me with those sweet baby blues, and innocently comforted me with “That’s why they call them horrormones, Mom.”
The boy is SMART.
So that little memory came back to me last week. I was having a bad day. Like nothing was going right. At all. And I was cranky. Really cranky. And everything was bad. Really bad. And all I wanted to do was climb back into bed and pull the covers over my head.
It started with an innocent comment, early in the morning. I was tying my running shoes and Chief asks, “Where you going?” I said I thought I’d talk a walk. “Good!” he says, way too enthusiastically.
Now, on any other week, I would’ve known that he was glad I was taking care of myself, no more, no less. BUT, this particular morning, it meant I was FAT. Undesirable. Not meeting his standards. And of course, he’s embarrassed by my appearance. And all of sudden, I’m arguing with him. In my head. And boy, I’m letting him have it. Oh! So I need to exercise, huh? Well, buddy, do you know all the things I do every day?! I barely have time to fart by myself let alone take a walk! And suddenly, my head is spinning around and green stuff starts shooting out…
And then Little Guy (although he’s now as tall as me) asked nicely, “Mom, can you get me the milk?”
Okay, on any other week, I’d see that I was an arms length away from the fridge, and say, “Sure!” BUT, this particular morning, he was LAZY. And never mind the fact that he just started a new school and a new baseball team and his voice is changing and he finished all his chores and homework over the weekend, he was lazy! And he didn’t say please! And he’s taking advantage of my role as a mom. Well, buddy, do you know all the things I do for you?! I just packed your lunch and that requires planning, shopping, decision making, putting away groceries, and getting up early to help you out! And suddenly my head is spinning around and green stuff starts shooting out…
And then the phone rang. It was the pharmacy with it’s annoying computer-generated voice that I think is supposed to be cheerful, reminding me that I need to pick up my prescription.
So, any other week, I would be filled with loving gratitude that they provide this timely and wonderful service. BUT, on this particular morning, they were IMPATIENT. How dare you call me again! I already have this on my to do list for today, thank you very much, and I don’t need you to remind me that I have way too much to do, I’m constantly behind, and oh yes, nobody appreciates me!!! And suddenly my skull is rotating on my vertebrae and last week’s broccoli makes it’s reappearance…
And if anyone asks when my cycle is, I’ll dust off my husband’s semi-automatic and pretend I’m Angelina Jolie. Any other questions?!
Think I’ll take action on that thought to retreat to my sleep number bed and disappear beneath the feathers.
That’s why they call them horrormones…
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" August 27th, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: hormones, PMS, police wives, women
When my book first came out and my friends and family members read it, a frequent observation was, “Wow, you really put a lot of personal stuff in there. Has Chief read it?”
Are you kidding?! Of course Chief read it! He went through it with a fine-tooth comb. And he gave me feedback – some of which was hard to hear but essential for its excellence. When co-workers questioned him as well, he replied, “If it helps others with their marriages, I’m completely willing to talk about our difficulties.”
My aunt was the first one to really nail my reason for this. She wrote, “I was a bit surprised that you were so open and personal about your experiences, but that’s what makes it so compelling. It should be required reading for a lot of young couples, not just law enforcement pairs. It even speaks deeply to old long-time married folks like us, forcing one to really examine our relationships with our spouses…”
If you read last week’s blog, you know that I continue to share the good, the bad, and the ugly for the sake of sharing the lessons I learn in life with you. Knowing that we are more alike than different in our thoughts and actions connects us. I know I’m not all that – and you know you’re not all that. Authenticity brings relief.
And what does this have to do with how we love our cops? Everything.
Somewhere in the course of our culture’s “evolving” relational intelligence, we’ve downplayed the idea that our actions (both good and bad) have significant impact on those we are close to. There are no real consequences, it’s my business. These are MY choices – they have nothing to do with you. But really – do your choices affect your spouse? Your kids? The neighbor? The taxpayer? If I choose to eat a donut, who’s business is it but mine? Well, let’s see. Donuts pad on weight, which I want to lose. A choice to screw it all and devour empty carbs will inadvertently tack on guilt (right there on the thighs – where it’s virtually impossible to lose!). And that guilt manifests itself, eventually, into irritation. Irritability leads to sensitivity. Sensitivity leads to insecurity. Insecurity leads to misunderstanding. And misunderstanding results in conflict. With the others who are close to you. Every choice – negative and positive has its effect on others whether we choose to acknowledge it or not.
We also think that admitting our shortcomings will have a negative effect on our self-esteems and the respect others have for us. I’ve got news for you – those you live with already know that you aren’t perfect. It’s like the idea that we can’t tell God we’re angry – He already KNOWS! And understanding and acknowledging the stupid things we do not only help with the authenticity of our relationships, but those who are willing to apologize and/or change, are very much respected.
When we admit our shortcomings, we take away their power over us. Rather than expend the energy to hide, deflect, and lie about the things we don’t do well, or the wrong things we say, the mistakes we make, or whatever the case may be, we can use the energy to come clean. It’s much less exhausting to be authentic than to put up a front.
And here’s an added bonus. When we give ourselves freedom to make peace with our weaknesses, we’re much more willing to forgive others their shortcomings. Suddenly there is a willingness to come closer and connect because there is permission to fail – I can be who I am – good, bad, ugly – if there is mercy, forgiveness and restoration.
(Disclaimer – This doesn’t extend to abuse, and it doesn’t give license to chronic bad behaviors. Although, admitting a problem is the first step to restoration in such cases.)
So what am I saying? I’m sayin’ let’s keep it real with each other, people. We’re all in this together.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" July 31st, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: authentic living, cop wives, Marriage, police wives, relationships, weakness
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