My blog posts have been lacking lately.
As in nonexistent.
Nada.
At first, when I realized that it was early spring that I last posted, I got a little nervous. “I’m losing momentum, my readers will miss my blog, I’ll lose followers!” But actually, the world has gone on without my little thoughts, and I had good reasons.
Sometimes life’s seasons bring different priorities.
I was busy being a wife and a mom.
I set aside my pen (laptop) for a time, and poured extra effort into my family and home.
My daughters both graduated – one from college, one from high school. One of their friends got married. My parents celebrated 50 years of marriage. My grandfather passed away. We’ve been getting to know our daughter-in-law. We had a couple intense parenting situations in there. We did some home improvements. We’ve also been helping our son in the application process to be a CHP dispatcher.
I don’t feel guilty.
Because sometimes I just can’t do it all. Some seasons just need to be focused on one thing: family.
I couldn’t authentically do what I do if I didn’t take some concentrated time for my family. I’d be a flaming hypocrite.
In a few days, Chief and I will be heading with two kids to a once-in-a-lifetime vacation in the Caribbean. I am looking forward to talking, relaxing, swimming, dreaming, and making memories with my husband and kids. More than you know.
After I return, I’ve got a full plate of work to get through. This hiatus of sorts has given me renewed vigor in my work with police families. There are still so many who muddle through this crisis-driven career and its affects on marriage and family. Too many divorces that take place when they really don’t need to. Too many miscommunications, chronic problems that can actually be resolved, and too many hurts that develop into bitterness.
This journey that started several years ago but came into being officially in September 2011, has taken me to places I could’ve not foreseen. I’ve learned so much. I’ve still so much to learn. And as I learn, its my priority to share it with other police families. I continue and will continue to create resources for warrior families, with a sense of duty and passion.
This fall will continue with more education. Next month I will start to finally get my next book onto paper. This next book will be for officers – the counterpart to A CHiP on my Shoulder. I will be looking for input, so watch for that. I’ll be doing interviews, focus groups and surveys. I’m also considering more formal education to help me understand even further the complexities of our physical make-up and the ways that the soul and spirit intertwine, and how relationships work.
I’ll also be conducting my seminar, Backup for the Home (also called Surviving Law Enforcement – A Spouse’s Perspective in California), as it continues to bring hope and interactive wisdom to police families. We’ve had really good feedback, and hope to develop it even further. If you are interested in having me present in your area, send me a message.
I’ll be back in a few weeks with more blog posts. In the meantime, I’m making memories with those I love the most…
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" July 17th, 2014
Posted In: Uncategorized
I didn’t think it could be done.
There are five love languages – Acts of Service, Physical Touch (Affection), Words of Affirmation, Gifts, and Quality Time. About 98% of the population give and show love through these five practices. And nobody’s ever really come up with another. And I think everyone’s been okay with that.
Until a few weeks ago.
“I don’t think my husband shows or feels love in these ways. There is a sixth love language.”
What?!
So, I have a friend who keeps me on my toes. I’ll call her Sarah. Sarah will come up with some thought-provoking ideas and she will come at me with her armor on, smirky smile, her piercing eyes and poke my brain. What about this? I think you should… And she’ll say something very profound… and then I am speechless for a few moments while I process an idea that didn’t come from within. And suddenly, I see the wisdom in it.
“Okay, Sarah, what is the sixth love language?”
I don’t remember what she called it, but she went on to describe a sort of sarcasm that isn’t designed to wound. It’s a way of communicating with a smirk and a twinkle that is affectionate. It’s a challenge to step into the ring and let’s tease each other until we’re friends.
Sound like anyone you know?
My thoughts went to my father-in-law (former cop) who communicates this way. If you can’t handle the verbal spar, he doesn’t respect you. My thoughts went to several co-workers of my husband, and a Vietnam Vet whom I dabbled in the ring with at a book function, and especially my co-author of Selfish Prayer – he is the champion of Verbal Spar.
I thought of the time I spoke to about 30 middle management police officers in Oakland last fall. Most people would feel uncomfortable talking to a group who sat in a U-shape, dressed in their uniforms with bars and stripes gleaming from the flourescent lights above. They sat stone-faced, wheels turning, some making a few notes as I spoke about what I offer police marriages. I spoke in my normal encouraging way, speaking passionately about my cause. And then, one asked the question: “Got anything in that book of yours that deals with cops that want to sleep with married cops? Cause that’s what I’m dealing with right now.”
Here we go.
I went on to mention that yes, I do mention this briefly in my book, and then said something like, “That’s why I do what I do. It may be kind of Pollyanna, but perhaps if we can strengthen marriages, you won’t have to deal with it on duty.”
They weren’t convinced. So I switched to Verbal Spar – what I recognize now to be the sixth love language.
“Look, we do what we can, but sometimes shit happens…”
The entire room erupted into laughter.
I was suddenly one of the club.
Believe it or not, I felt trusted. I’d made the connection.
Not by speaking my language, but theirs.
So, I’m declaring that there is a sixth love language. It is a language of love and trust spoken by men and women who deal with the painful realities of our world – cops, military, search and rescue, firemen, medical personnel. Probably others, too.
Verbal Sparring is a tough language to speak because it dances close to uncomfortable. And sometimes Verbal Sparring draws blood. I wondered for a few weeks if I should even write about this because I had to ask myself if it was actually a language of love. My conclusion is, absolutely. It is a different way of loving and communicating love that is safe within the life that demands we toughen up and deal with the crap flying around us.
So when I was apologizing for not giving appropriate heads up on something, I declared that I was “so lame!”. Sarah’s comment was, “You are lame!”
I felt so loved.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" March 14th, 2014
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: Love Languages, Officers, police wives
I absolutely LOVE my new Peer Group. There are eleven of us wives from six different departments around the NorCal area. We’ve met twice now and the camaraderie is already there.
I’d like to see other groups like this – to experience the friendship with other LEOWs, and to really have that support. So I’ve come up with some ways to help those of you who want to start something but aren’t sure just how to do it.
Who?
As I was preparing to do this, I just started mentioning it to people. Those who were enthusiastic, I followed up with. Most of the girls moved their schedule around or got babysitters. We have eleven, but it doesn’t have to be that big. I also thought it important to have different departments – when it is just one department that all the ladies are from, it is a huge temptation to talk about the office politics, and that can ruin a group and/or diminish the departmental support of families. You can put an announcement out on Facebook, or ask your friends to invite someone else. Compiling a diverse group of ladies is half the fun!
When?
For my book, I scheduled 13 consecutive weeks. One week for introductions and twelve for the chapters. I put them on the calendar, and communicated this to the ladies I invited. They know that we are meeting every week at such and such a time, at such and such a place, until April 9.
How?
The first week we shared about our families, and then I had them find an object in their purse that describes them. That helps get answers from people you normally wouldn’t get, and we heard some cool perspectives about what people’s lives are about. We also talked about what we were hoping to “get” from the group. The second week we started in on the book. We read through a chapter a week together. The questions are in the back of each chapter. Easy!
Rules
The first meeting I talked about boundaries. This is IMPERATIVE. To create a safe place for women to share, there must be confidentiality. NO flapping of the gums about what people say. I also told them to keep it positive. We are not a rant and rave group – that’s not helpful for anyone. We also do not talk about department politics UNLESS it directly and personally affects your family and we can help support you. We also talked about the fact that we are all different and have different views. The rule is to approach each other with grace – so that all of us can be free to be who we are and still be loved.
Bonus
A few other things are group dates with our guys, ladies’ nites out, and a secret Facebook page. We exchanged numbers. We hold each others’ babies. We talked about doing a Dave Ramsey class together later on. So far, so good.
I’ve no doubt as we get into things that there will be disagreement. And we’re okay with that. But we agreed to stay within the boundaries of the rules, and are actually happy with them. As the leader, I will keep us accountable to it.
Lastly, as their leader, I’m praying for our time, and for their families. This is the unseen glue that keeps us together, I think. When a leader has “help” from God or an older mentor, someone to bounce off problems or ideas (keeping confidentiality intact, of course), that really enhances a group as well.
If you are interested in starting your own peer group in your area, please let me know so that I can pray/help you as well. We’re in this thing together!
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" January 27th, 2014
Posted In: Uncategorized
On Wednesday I held the first meeting of my new peer group. I invited several local police wives to join me once a week to go through A CHiP on my Shoulder chapter by chapter.
We enjoyed some goodies, introduced ourselves, talked about the purpose and the rules, and basically learned who each other were. Amidst the different personalities, we found lots in common, even down to the specific way each other eats. Toward the end of the meeting, one girl expressed her relief that everyone was so chill. Others agreed – they stepped in the door apprehensive to the drama they’d seen created with other women – and were relieved.
I got to thinking about this.
I’ve been in peer groups continuously since college. I’ve really gelled with some, not so much with others. At times, the drama was so thick it took over my life. I’ve seen women get downright ugly, or get spun off on something trivial. I have seen pettiness, selfishness, and conflict, but I have also experienced love, support, and encouragement. Each group is different, and each group will have its negatives and positives.
It is human nature. In the human race, there is diversity of backgrounds, of culture, of personalities, diversity of hurts, and trigger points and their responses. Relationships with peers run the gamut of amazing to horrible.
I’ve been in a group with other writers for over ten years now. Several of us have been there since the beginning – before any of us were published. We dreamed together, hurt together with each setback, had to change with each other through the changes of publishing and social media. We had to grow through conflict, and choose to celebrate when others were succeeding while we were not. I have grown in my character because of these women, and they know me – my good, my bad, and my ugly.
I don’t like conflict. I’ve spent most of my life avoiding it. But conflict has been something that has shaped my relationships like none other:
I’ve learned to listen.
I’ve learned that I’m not the only one in the world who matters.
I’ve learned to find creative solutions to problems.
I’ve learned to pray.
I’ve learned to think before I speak.
I’ve learned that every person is hurting in some way – and I’ve learned to recognize the ways they deal with or mask that hurt. Some of those ways may be really hard to deal with in a peer group.
I’ve learned that my words and actions affect the lives of others – in healthy and unhealthy ways.
I’ve learned to love in spite of my disagreement with their actions.
I’ve learned to forgive.
I’ve learned to see other perspectives; and this has given me patience.
I’ve learned to trust, and not trust.
I’ve learned that more conflict is due to miscommunication and misunderstanding than actual deliberate behavior, and there are always two sides to a story.
I’ve learned how not to get sucked into other peoples’ irritations and rants (most of the time).
I’ve learned that conflict is an opportunity for greater understanding and cohesion.
I’ve learned that friends come in all shapes and sizes – some of my closest relationships are with those I did not initially like.
I’ve learned to be unselfish – the world does not revolve around me.
Best of all, I’ve learned to love and to be loved.
This is the reason I continue to live my life with others. This is why I am not afraid to start new peer groups. No matter the ups and downs a peer group takes, with the right attitude and leadership, there is going to be treasure found.
This is why I believe community – especially for police families – is not only a fundamental need, but a requirement.
Thinking you’d like to be brave and start up a peer group? Next week I will post some tried and true ways to create/lead/maintain a group in your area. Stay tuned!
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" January 17th, 2014
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: Peer Groups, police wives, Small Groups
My daughter and I were watching TV together the other night. She asked me a question about the show, and I started to tear up. She gave me that teenage-are-you-really-getting-emotional-about-HGTV-Mom?-look. It’s a smirk – and from time to time I have to bare my soul and explain my thought process for things I do that they don’t understand. The kids have their chuckle, and then it’s usually, “Oh, OK, Mom, I get it now.”
I have something to confess. I REALLY like Nicole Curtis (DIY’s Rehab Addict). It’s not that she’s a little blonde bad-ass who loves power tools and runs marathons. It’s not that she’s stubborn with her vision, or that she sports a midwestern accent, or that she lives in MinneSOta. Although I like all that, too.
It’s that Nicole Curtis looks at old homes that others have deemed as doomed and is willing to put in the work to make them pretty again.
She braves old basements and salvages what she finds, then pours new foundations. She is sure to comment that working with a shovel is a great core workout.
She opens up walls to expose old brick, cleaning it up with a wire brush, and patching holes in the mortar. She designs the rooms around the brick, using it as a focal point. It’s beautiful.
She pulls up linoleum and exposes hardwood flooring, meticulously refinishing and repairing the old wood. This is the true timeless beauty of the home.
She appreciates the splendor of old things, restoring them to let them shine in their craftsmanship, and adding both old and new to give a home the best of both.
This is why I like Nicole Curtis.
So, why did I go emo on the show in front of my daughter?
Because Nicole restored a home that was damaged by arson. Crime came to a street in Detroit – her home town – and burnt it to the ground. But the fire spread to the house next door as well. And when the damage was left to become a dump site, the whole street began boarding up old homes and abandoning them.
Damaged. Devalued. Decomposing.
Ugly.
Much like the American tendency to do in our own homes. When the fires of conflict torch a home, and the damage is done, many choose to just scrap it all and walk away. But it isn’t just the lone couple that suffers. There is lasting damage that breeds more destruction to those in close proximity.
But when there is reconciliation, when a couple decides to salvage their marriage, patiently doing the work to look at both the good and the bad in their relationship, and purpose to restore it, there is something amazing that happens. There is a quality and beauty there, and a mature character that something (or someone) new just can’t measure up to.
On the show, the community came out to see what Nicole was doing. They watched intently as the heavy equipment swept away the demolished home next door. They helped clean up the yard. They helped brush away the charred remains of the fire damage. They got behind her and caught her vision. And then, in the middle of the day, kids came out to play, a go cart was put into action, and…
There was joy and life again on a street that had once brought so many tears.
Whether we’ve been married three years, twelve years, or 25 years, our marriages could use a little TLC – sprucing up what’s in good condition, getting rid of excess, and a few new changes. In my world, that’s worth shedding a few tears for.
Every January I choose a word to be my theme for the year. My word for 2014 is RESTORE. Chief and I are doing some things in our home this year, physically and relationally, to renovate, update, and restore.
I look forward to the journey.
I think our teenagers are looking forward to it as well.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" January 9th, 2014
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: Marriage, Nicole Curtis, police marriage
Over the freeway and through the neighborhood
To my mother’s house we go
A well-worn road
With kids in tow
To spend another holiday alone.
Over the freeway and through the neighborhood
To mother’s questioning eyes!
Oh, LE Wifey dear,
Why isn’t he here?
For Thanksgiving dinner here lies!
Over the freeway and through the neighborhood
Oh, how I miss him so!
I dab my eyes
And blow my nose
Then pretend, so no one knows.
Over the freeway and through the neighborhood
We pull up in the noontime sun.
We spent some time
This morning sublime
Before he put on his badge and his gun.
Over the freeway and through the neighborhood
When my family sees us arrive
They come out
With a crazy shout
Welcome, how was your drive?
Over the freeway and through the neighborhood
I inhale the baking turkey scent
I miss him so
But he had to go
On duty he must Thanksgiving spend.
Over the freeway and through the neighborhood
And then the dumb questions start
Where is he?
Again on duty?
Are you okay with holidays apart?
Over the freeway and through the neighborhood
The kids and I make do.
They run and play
With cousins all day
Yet we miss him the whole day through.
Over the freeway and into the ‘hood
He’ll keep watch over the land
While the people eat
He’ll cover his beat
So that everyone gets home as planned.
Over the freeway and into the neighborhood
We stuffed ourselves beyond right
Though it caught my eye
I declined the pie
But packed up two pieces for tonight.
Over the freeway and back to our home
I bathe the kids and put them to bed.
I hope he’s all right,
Coming home tonight
I’ll wait up for him, reading instead.
Over the freeway and back to our home
He shuffles in, his long day finally done.
I sigh with relief,
Another day of belief,
That he’ll be home before the next sun.
Into the kitchen and into my arms
I greet him with a happy kiss.
Like leather he smells
And excitedly he tells
Of a pursuit and an arrest – with bliss!
Into the pie with some whip on the top
He recants his Thanksgiving Day.
Rolling Code 3
Then tore up his knee,
Another uniform we will have to pay.
He showers, kisses kids, then heads for bed,
My eyes twinkle with pride
I cannot deny
That I love my guy
I’m his life partner, standing beside.
Happy Thanksgiving, LEO Families!
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" November 27th, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: Holidays, police wives, Thanksgiving
Last week I had the opportunity to attend Dr. Kevin Gilmartin’s training on Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement. It was my first time listening to him teach in person.
I was taken in with the way he presented the parts of police officers others rarely see: the biological and chemical reactions to what they are trained to do, the responses that affect their bodies short and long term, their attitudes and decisions toward the job, and their relationships at home. It was excellent information.
Here are some of my highlighted notes:
*Most officers get 4-6 hours of sleep a night, two hours less than they need.
*Sleep deprivation is a cancer risk.
*Cops are experts on the shit of life. We need to train officers to be professional cynics, not half-assed cynics who can’t turn it off.
*Cynicism is distrust of human nature and motives.
*Normal people make decisions based on probability. Cops make decisions based on possibility.
*Trust to an officer is naïve risk-taking.
*Cops die 19 years earlier than they should – because of the hypervigilance rollercoaster and the long-term affects it has on their bodies.
*We lose 484 officers a year to suicide.
*Firemen face risk for small portions of their shifts. Cops face potential risk their entire shift.
*Fire is a team-based trust profession. Policing is an individual-based distrust profession.
*Law enforcement culture doesn’t talk about the affects of carbohydrates or low levels of cortisol, but then we joke about donuts and bury them early.
*The hypervigilance rollercoaster produces cops that are emotionally over-invested at work, and emotionally under-invested at home.
*To break the cycle of the rollercoaster, the officer needs to get off his ass, exercise a half hour a day, eat right, and intentionally invest in other roles of his life.
Then, at lunchtime, I took the opportunity to talk with Dr. Gilmartin. The exchange was maybe two minutes.
But it rocked my world.
Let me back up a bit. When I spoke in Canmore, Alberta a month ago, one of the gals presented information from Gilmartin’s book. She gave a great summary of hypervigilance, which is the biological process a peace officer undergoes while on duty, which heightens their awareness, thinking abilities, and quick response to anything that comes up. She explained that once the shift is over, their bodies need to recover, which means off-duty, their bodies go into a exact opposite/depression-like state to offset the affects of the body while in hypervigilance (Gilmartin calls this the Hypervigilance Biological Rollercoaster.) After her presentation, the LEOWs had several questions, mainly about how to explain and train their children to understand and accept this phenomena. I told them I would see Dr. Gilmartin in November, and would ask him exactly that.
I approached Gilmartin, armed with my innocent question. His response stopped me in my heels.
“Kids should not even be aware of hypervigilance,” He asserted. He then shifted and sort of sighed, “Spouses can be the biggest enablers…”
I didn’t hear anything after that.
Enablers?
There was, by then, a crowd that had gathered. I saw the look on the gal’s face next to me. It was a wince. I felt my insides turn, so I muttered something about thanks and excused myself. Then, for the next three hours of traffic-laden processing and a tearful conversation with Chief, I realized something.
I’d used hypervigilance as an excuse for some of the bad habits in our home.
And not only was I not engaged in the fight against hypervigilance, I’d actually resigned myself to it, and joined in with both feet.
For quite some time now.
And I’ve been believing, talking about and teaching that we need to understand who our officers are, how the job affects them, and then deal with it. I’ve not understood the entire picture.
I need to understand so that I can not just deal with it, or make excuses for it, but rather join in on the solutions. I am the heart of my home, and my husband’s best friend. I’ve declared I’m his backup at home – and the biological effects of hypervigilance take place at home. Gilmartin didn’t write his book so that we could just understand it and let it take its course. Gilmartin wrote his book so that we could understand it, and join in the FIGHT to CHANGE it.
My husband’s health – physically, emotionally, and relationally – depends on it.
His actual LIFE depends on it.
He has his brothers and sisters on duty that have his back should something go crazy. But at home, there are still dangers that lurk within his very body that threaten his life.
Is there any more important backup than that?
So, as his backup at home:
I can fix healthy meals to help my officer to FIGHT against the affects on his weight…
I can leave Oreos and Doritos and Jack Daniels on the shelf at the store…
I can exercise with my officer so that he swings back into a normal level…
I can make sure he gets the sleep he needs…
I can motivate (without nagging) my officer to turn off the computer/TV to wrestle with the kids, or go to church, or coach his son’s baseball team, or to get out in the yard (together) and make it pretty again…
I can live and operate with the realization that my officer is a cop, but that is not the only thing he is. He is a husband, a father, a son, a coach, a friend, a board member, an outdoorsman, and he has much to offer our family, and our community…
So that his kids will never know about hypervigilance.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" November 22nd, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: emotional survival for law enforcement, hypervigilance, Kevin Glimartin, police wives
On Monday I drove my little Prius to the Bay Area to attend a Below 100 Training. This is the third such training I’ve sat through, and it gets me every time.
Below 100 is a campaign to bring our national on-duty death toll down from 140-160 a year to below 100. By simply reminding peace officers of the five tenets of officer safety, perhaps there will be more officers going home to their families. That’s the goal – to bring our officers home at the end of each shift. Because we spouses benefit from such a campaign, I support Below 100 with every fiber of my being. Keeping families intact and thriving includes keeping our officers alive!
The first tenet of Below 100 is Wear Your Belt. Not the gunbelt, but the seatbelt. This seems to be number one because so many officers don’t wear their seatbelts in the patrol car. It is perhaps the hardest tenet to follow, because police culture, even some departmental training, stands by the belief that wearing a seatbelt will inhibit easy departure from the vehicle. It may or may not be true most of the time (how long does it take to take it off and is it worth that to put yourself at risk), but when the patrol car suddenly loses control, the occupants will have an easier departure from the vehicle than they would like. Many of our on-duty traffic fatalities are because the officer is not wearing a seatbelt and they are ejected or thrown violently into the windshield.
The second tenet is Wear Your Vest. My husband came on at a time in CHP history where the vest was beginning to be worn in the Academy. They were trained to put it on as a piece of equipment – as necessary as the gun or badge. My husband wears his vest even today as a Chief – even though he doesn’t pull people over anymore. Some departments don’t even issue a vest as part of the uniform. On Monday I listened to my friend Gene, a retired CHP officer, talk about surviving a n incident where the criminal tried to finish him off by shooting him point blank in the back. We sat riveted as he recounted his story of survival and saw pictures of the vest. The vest was toast, but Gene was very much alive.
The third tenet is Watch Your Speed. Why do cops speed? Because they can! Our officers love to drive fast – but time and again, speeding to something that they really don’t need to has resulted in accidents that cause extreme hardship on the officer, other officers, and/or Joe Citizens. At the training, we watched as an officer speeding to a stolen car incident took out a kid on a bike and killed him. Trust me, that was difficult to watch. And then we listened to the officer get into the car and start crying like a baby. For good reason.
The fourth is WIN – What’s important now. This is a reminder to think on duty. Making choices to keep situational awareness for the task at hand. Approaching a car on the safest side depending on traffic (CHP approaches cars on the passenger side to keep themselves from getting hit by distracted motorists), making sure there is adequate safety for deploying spike strips, and other safety concerns while policing.
The last tenet of Below 100 is Complacency Kills. This is the reminder to our officers to keep alert. After day after day of routine policing, there can be a tendency to settle into that routine and be caught unawares by something dangerous. We watched a video of an interview with one of our CHP widows. She said that the day her husband was killed on duty, she had been spooked by another LODD a few days earlier and told her husband to be careful. His answer – “Don’t worry, honey! I’m invincible!” Other than a goodbye, that was the last thing he said to her.
We as spouses are very much affected by this campaign. Already there are stories that are coming forward that this training has saved lives. Kids have their parents, spouses have their officers, mothers have their kids because we are intentionally reminding our officers to be safe. You and I, too, can add a little reminder here and there as our officers head out the door to keep the peace.
It just might save their lives.
For more information on Below 100, visit Below100.com.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" October 3rd, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: Below 100, Officer Safety, police wives
Every September I do the same thing – I watch shows that tell the stories of 9/11. I’m well versed in Flight 93 – I’ve watched just about everything I can get my hands on, read books, and know many of the names of those who became heroes that day. I’ve heard the stories of Pentagon rescues and the last moments of those who were in the Twin Towers. I envision the terror in the hallways as hundreds of people are descending the stairways, and imagine looking into the eyes of the firemen who were going the opposite direction. I’ve seen and heard the grief in the survivors’ eyes via television, and feel their pain many miles away. Every year I learn something more, and every year I am amazed at the character that was revealed in America’s day of doom.
I’ve many thoughts, but one stands out this morning.
Crises unveil true character.
Of all the stories of those who put themselves aside and acted unselfishly, there is something in common. Those who knew the heroes weren’t surprised by their final moments. They talked of how their loved ones lived beforehand – giving of themselves in the small moments, in the day to day.
Thinking of others was their mindset. Loving was their lifestyle. And fighting a primal urge to save themselves amidst chaos and mayhem, they let a greater motivation determine their actions, and loved to the end. And we, the world, watched. We were amazed. And grateful.
Our nation’s police officers, firemen, rescue workers, and military are trained to run to the chaos. They feel fear just as I do, but their inner character dares death and steps in and up to the task at hand – to protect and serve in the ways in which they are trained.
I think back to my husband’s training. At first, the Academy personnel knocked the wind out of them. They stripped the men and women of the faulty foundations they had come in with.
Pride. False sense of ability. Selfishness.
They put them in impossible situations, and demanded they perform anyway. But there was a purpose: to make them teachable.
Then, the instructors began to rebuild them. To give them tools and training to survive, take charge of chaos, and to respond appropriately in confidence. They did this over and over and over again.
By the end of his training, my husband was rebuilt. He was a trained observer. He knew what to do in crisis. He was confident.
As we look back at 9/11, we remember that ordinary people did extraordinary things. And we say a silent prayer of thankfulness for them.
But crises happen throughout life. What will drive our reactions?
The way we practice our lives now determines how we will respond to crisis.
Heroes are made in the quietness of soul resolve, in the mundane episodes of repetition, and in the decisions made day to day. Then, when chaos calls, the choice is made to respond, simply yet readily.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 11th, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: 9/11, heroism, police officers
We are the warriors behind those who go to war.
While our officers battle on the streets, we battle from within our homes. We are the strong, back up forces that support, equip, and empower our police officers out on the street.
We stand.
We know who our officers are and who they are not, yet we stand with them through the darkest of hours and the brightest of victories.
We are proud.
We love the uniform and all it represents. We know the need, we see the sacrifice, and know what our officer did to earn his uniform, his badge, his gun, and his pride in who he is.
We support.
We know what they go through, we know the cost. And we let them lean on us for what they need so that they can do what they need to do out there, coming home at the end of the shift.
We defend.
We battle the questions. There are those who are against our officers, who hate their authority, who take away their freedoms to wreak havoc on our communities and families. It’s hard to hear the criticism, even from those we are close to. But we stand up for our officers anyway, sometimes silently.
We battle.
We battle moods. We battle our own reactions to those moods. We battle the long term apathy that comes with such moods.
We make do.
We explain to our little ones why their daddies or mommies aren’t there. We’ve already wrestled with this in our minds and hearts. It’s not how we’d like it to be. But it is reality, and the first thing a cop spouse must do is to accept things as they are, and then make do.
We go alone.
We get in the car and go to birthday parties, school plays, and church services. We get dressed and put on makeup and smile and do this out of survival. We would prefer to go with our officer – but instead we just go.
We are loyal.
We care about our officers, and we are in their camp. We love them fiercely and defend them to those who would dare speak or act against them.
We persevere.
At times it is tiresome. There are times when we are lonely, and we are exhausted, and we are done, and yet we wake up every morning and do it again. And again. And again.
We love fiercely.
Why do we do what we do? Why do we battle and persevere and explain? Because we love and are in love, and will love. Fiercely.
We change plans.
We’ve had to live our lives with flexibility, because we are determined to make life with our officers a good one. We are willing to work, and maneuver, and change to make this happen.
We cry.
Tears are not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength. Because we acknowledge that sometimes life sucks, and we are not made of stone. But we are still strong – strong enough to let ourselves be soft when we need to be.
We cope.
When things go sideways and catastrophes happen, we learn to roll with it. We cope. We make things happen. We thrive when others only survive. And we do what we must.
We trust.
We believe in the training and abilities that our officers have. We trust them to be safe, and to be vigilant. We trust their partners to watch their back, and their leaders to do the same. We choose to trust in the face of fear.
We face hard moments alone.
We take our kids to the doctor, and take the phone call of bad news. We walk on egg shells when our officers are bothered by something and wait patiently for them to spill the reason. We face hard moments knowing that our officers will be there, eventually.
We work hard.
We clean and cook and plan and flex and work because we believe that what we do matters to our officers. We work hard to make a safe place for them to come home to, day in, day out, year in, year out.
We do without.
We are lonely, we are underestimated, we are thought of as weak. But it takes an amazing person to do without and creatively thrive anyway.
We mourn.
We put on black and we tuck a handkerchief in our pockets and we stand with our officers and mourn those who made the ultimate sacrifice. We hurt with our husbands, and feel their pain, and let the tears flow when they’re not around. We feel the pain, too.
We fear.
There are many unknowns that we face. Will he come home? Will he be faithful? Will he be safe? We have no guarantees. We endure close calls, hospitals, the what ifs.
We fight.
But we fight anyway. We fight for our marriages. We fight for our families. We fight for our rights. We fight our own emotions and we fight with our officers. There is no place for us on the sidelines.
We are warriors.
We are strong.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 5th, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
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