“I think you have to kinda let go of the life that you thought you were gonna have when you marry an officer. I really do. I think you have to realize that you are in a new life now. And it’s gonna throw you curves. It’s different than any other job there is out there.” Jenny, former dispatcher and CHP wife
“True contentment is a real, even and active virtue—not only affirmative but creative. It is the power of getting out of any situation all there is in it.” G. K. Chesterton
There is no normal. Not really. Gone are the days where we compare ourselves to the Cleavers or the Joneses. We are a creative people collectively. If you took a survey of the households on your street, you might find that someone comes or goes all twenty-four hours of the day. Living in the city, I am always amazed how many people are out and about at four in the morning.
We create our own normal. My normal may be vastly different from your normal. The challenge comes when we try to make plans with others or even those within our own household. With three teenagers in our home, dinners around the table with everyone present are rare. Sports and work schedules prohibit many nights together. When they were smaller, the kids and I had dinner together every night, and normal was either Brent was there, or we kept a plate heated for later. In both situations everyone appreciates when we do have everyone present, and it’s usually a really fun night.
Before Brent and I had children, he worked swings (1400 to 2300, military time), and I worked at an office (0800 to 1700). We each were alone for several hours—he in the morning, I in the evening. We chose to look at it positively; we got to see each other at least four days a week. And we took advantage of those moments together and apart. We created our own normal.
DeAnn and Shawn both work and have two busy children. Their lives are very full with so many schedules to juggle. It was quickly becoming unmanageable, so DeAnn bought a whiteboard to put on the wall in the kitchen. Everyone’s schedule was placed on the calendar. It was Shawn’s responsibility to get his work schedule on the whiteboard in a timely manner. From then on, she was able to be organized and keep the details of the family straight.
I keep two calendars. A large desktop calendar works the best for me; the kids can write in their events and check on dates themselves. Brent, however, uses his Blackberry for his schedule. After several conflicts in communication, Brent asked if I could sync our computers by inputting events on his Gmail calendar. It works perfectly as long as I input things in a timely manner!
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" December 10th, 2012
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Looking at being the wife of a cop as an adventure allows you to see the upside of so many events. Let me share a few of our memories over the years:
I remember turning beat red when a large group of cadets sang “Happy Birthday” to me on the steps of our state capitol. That was definitely cool. We missed a wedding in Northern California and drove all night to SoCal when Brent decided to return to help with
the LA riots even though we were on vacation. Somehow I felt his call of duty and chose to answer it with my full support. There’s a satisfaction I have when I recount it now, like I did the right thing for the greater good. Maybe you understand? Your own needs take a back seat to the pressing issues of his job for a time.
When it was time to move, I accepted it, looking forward to a new adventure, and kept in touch with those we left behind. Now I have friends in several parts of the state, and I’ve never regretted it. I cried when a twenty-year-old killed her two best friends when she decided to drive drunk. I laugh as I remember how a poker game in the backyard became a little more eventful when a mole chose to run through a crowd of cigar-smoking cops. There was one less pest in the world to dig up our lawn!
When my two-year-old son burned his hands after falling into a campfire, Brent’s coworkers put together a basket of goodies for him to pass the time with while he healed. The support of other officers and office personnel has been huge when hard times hit. When a call came in of a nearby pursuit while having a deep conversation at home with out-of-state friends, I quickly helped Brent climb into his uniform and watched him screech away (he was the on-call supervisor). Our friends and I later listened with wild anticipation as he recounted how the pursuit ended in a field of flames with the suspect in custody. Hoorah! I clapped as tears filled my eyes when I witnessed an incredible victory over tragedy. Months after one of our officers became a paraplegic when he was hit on duty, he hand-pedaled his specialized bike as he joined my husband and his cadets on a run to our state capitol. I enjoyed being in the know when my husband got to be involved in a high-profile case. He was the first officer on the scene of the burned-out car that belonged to the victims of the highly publicized Yosemite murders.
These are just a few of our memories. You will have your own list if you don’t already. From time to time, it feels good to recount the ups and downs like I’ve done here. It bolsters confidence, knowing that we survived the downs intact, maybe even coming away with a little more strength, a little more wisdom. The ups invite an attitude of thankfulness, enjoying the good times once again.
It’s a wild and crazy adventure, a very full life. And know that more great things will be added in the years to come. Commit to the adventure; you’ll be glad you did.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" December 3rd, 2012
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
To commit to his job means choosing a good attitude when he’s at the jail late and you have to put the kids to bed by yourself. It means talking out your frustrations with him at an appropriate time instead of as he’s heading out the door for his shift. It is knowing full well that it may have to be this way until he catches that thief or arrests that killer. It means slipping into survival mode for a time to make things work. It may mean growing up a bit, having. But then, at the appropriate occasion, voice your concerns courageously instead of stuffing them inside to fester. Committing to his job means knowing that seasons come and go, persevering, and looking forward. This is tough to do and will take some practice, so let me give you one more perspective on this.
Partners at Home
Shortly after I started writing this book, word was spreading about what I was doing. I got a phone call one morning from a sergeant in our employee assistance unit with her full support. She told me that the timing was right for my book, as “the face of law enforcement is changing. We are discovering more and more the importance of emotional care for our officers, and we’re doing something about it. The families are a big component of that.”
My husband and I knew this early on in our marriage. He told me from the beginning that he couldn’t do this without me. I believed it then and even more so now. Your guy can go through the academy, he can train, and he can save lives, but there is another side of him that really needs you. Your respect can bolster his confidence. Your support can give him that extra emotional stability that he will need as his job wears him down. Your love can break down the walls he’ll be tempted to build around himself when what he sees hurts his sense of how the world should be. It may seem a little overstated to some, but when I say you are a not-so-silent partner behind the badge, our everyday reality shows it to be true.
Understanding your role in the big picture here can help you deal with the negative pieces of his job and convince you to commit to the cause. There is something to be said about the satisfaction in being a part of something bigger than yourself.
Commit to the Adventure
Solemn commitments are there for the long haul, put in place for the protection of you, your husband, and your marriage. But there are many seasons of pure enjoyment and fulfillment! There are many positive things about being the wife of a police officer. I chose a long time ago to look at our life together as an adventure. I chose a life of ups and downs, twists and turns, highs, lows, and everything in between. And I love it!
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" November 26th, 2012
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Buckle Up
Are you all in? Or will you balk when hard times put you to the test? Are you willing to take courageous, proactive steps to nurture that commitment? I will talk more about these steps in Chapter 11, but for now fasten your seatbelt! Your seatbelt of commitment, that is. A seatbelt is protection we depend on every time we get in the car. It may seem a bit confining or claustrophobic to some, but it’s necessary. Our husbands can attest to accidents they’ve seen that, had the victims worn seatbelts, they would’ve been a lot better off. In many cases it is the difference between life and death. When trouble comes, it is the one thing that holds us in place when all else is sliding every which way. In like manner, commitment does the very same thing. But you have to choose to put it on ahead of time. Trying to do so at the moment of impact is impossible. It’s too late.
Commit to the Job
Before your husband was allowed to pin his badge on his uniform, he had to swear an oath to protect and to serve the people of his jurisdiction. Here are a couple examples:
“I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. So help me God.” FBI
“To serve the United States of America and the State of California honestly, and conscientiously; and fulfill my oath as a soldier of the law; To uphold and maintain the honor and integrity of the California Highway Patrol; Be loyal to my fellow officers; respect and obey my seniors in rank; and enforce the law without fear, favor, or discrimination; Assist those in peril or distress, and, if necessary, lay down my life rather than swerve from the path of duty; My personal conduct shall at all times be above reproach and I will never knowingly commit any act that will in any way bring discredit upon the California Highway Patrol or any member thereof; To all of this I do solemnly pledge my sacred honor as an Officer of the California Highway Patrol.” CHP
The oath your husband swore as a peace officer affects you whether you like it or not. At times this oath will take precedence over things that are very important to you—birthday parties, family dinners, and holidays, to name a few. And it’s easy to resent your husband’s job when a couple of missed events stack up. This oath can be a foe, or, with the right mindset, it can be a friend. At the very least, we can make peace with it. It’s your choice. When he’s running “all roads, all codes” with his hair on fire, will you commit yourself to accept not only the benefits of his job but also the consequences? I may be sounding a bit like Officer Negative (see “Introduction”), but he was right; marriage is hard. Being a cop’s wife is even harder. But what does commitment look like?
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" November 19th, 2012
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Commit to Your Marriage
Every time I visit the grocery store, I’m reminded how easily promises are made and broken in relationships. While I am putting my food items on the conveyor belt, my eye is drawn to the magazines for the latest Hollywood gossip. This couple is history. That actor dumped his actress lover for another. Secret sexual trysts. Some of these people change partners as often as they change clothes. I assume that not all of it is true. I understand that the drama is what gets the press. And I know that much of the world doesn’t hold the same values as these people. But because of the inundation of careless disregard for commitment that permeates our culture, we can’t help but be influenced by it in our thinking.
When a marriage experiences tough times, there are some who turn to other options way too soon.
Our wedding day was perfect. But two days before, we had the biggest fight we’ve had in our entire relationship. Brent and I spent several hours working through a fundamental issue that drew in several people in our wedding party. Looking back, I suppose we could’ve called it off. But we didn’t. Because our minds were already geared that we were in it for keeps, we took the time to wrestle through the drama and get down to the core issue. After the tears dried, we were freed up to thoroughly enjoy our wedding and honeymoon.
Even though we were very young, we understood “for better or worse.” True and unwavering commitment requires a purposeful steeling of the mind. It’s an attitude that doesn’t consider divorce an option. And it is the glue that will hold a couple together through the messiest of times.
The Escape Clause
It doesn’t matter how awesome your guy is; there will be a time when your mind will be tempted to entertain other options. Boredom, loneliness, a grass-is-greener moment, another handsome uniform—there are lots of temptations that come along that threaten your marital commitment. If your mind isn’t engaged for the long-haul, it could get you into trouble. When I married Brent, I gave my whole heart to him. Or so I thought. A year or two into our marriage, I realized that there was a little spot inside me that I reserved for the “what if ”. What if he is killed on duty? What if he leaves me for someone else? These were fears that I held in the back of my mind. For a time, I developed a place to retreat to in my mind, just in case these fears came to life. I call this protective inner wall the escape clause. And when things got a little tough, I’d retreat behind that wall and let my mind wander. I’d put together a plan. Where I’d go, how I’d react, and, sometimes, whom I’d consider dating if Brent were gone. Eventually I challenged myself to stay away from the escape clause; it made my commitment waver. And when things got more difficult, I didn’t need the temptation to run.
The escape clause has to be taken in context. I am referring to secret thoughts of a woman that are meant to protect but actually hinder her from commitment and complete intimacy. These thoughts are based on a fear of being hurt. By no means am I referring to a relationship in which the husband is abusing his wife emotionally, physically, or sexually. In these situations, there are cases in which separation can actually save a marriage.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" November 14th, 2012
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Get in, Sit down, Shut Up and Hang On!
License plate frame, California
It was Christmas Day when I realized our honeymoon was over. I hated our new apartment, I didn’t know a soul, and I commuted to work an hour and a half each way through Los Angeles traffic. This place was very different from the small town of Chico where I grew up. On top of that, we had no money, a Charlie Brown Christmas tree we bought for eight bucks at a hardware store, and one gift from my grandparents. Brent was learning his new job in a difficult part of LA, and he worked swing shift on Christmas Eve. Me? Except for the manager’s kids who came by to sing carols at my door, I spent it alone. Earlier in December Brent graduated from the California Highway Patrol Academy, which was then and remains a residential training academy. We were given a week to move downstate and get settled before he reported for duty as a rookie officer in LA. Our six month marriage was already experiencing a tough season.
We went from five months of weekend-only bliss to shift work and mandatory overtime. We left a small town of supportive family and friends to join a sea of unfamiliar faces and places. Our rent went up significantly, gas became a greater burden, and I had to work full time to make ends meet. We didn’t know anyone except other new officers in the same boat. This was hard to handle all at once. But something else bothered me: Brent seemed to be changing, and not for the better. Working on the streets of LA was affecting him.
Brent had been a pre-med student and a church intern when I met him. He was tender and idealistic, but after he became a cop, he turned tough and painfully realistic. He saw some really disturbing things and couldn’t share everything with me. His sweet demeanor was disappearing, and I didn’t know what to do. Suspecting I wasn’t alone, I gingerly approached another newlywed wife whose husband graduated with Brent.
“Have you noticed a change in Bill lately?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” she replied.
“Well, it’s hard to explain. Brent has kind of an edginess now that I haven’t seen before. Some language too. He seems frustrated and angry. Has Bill acted like this?”
She looked at me like I was purple and promptly shook her head. I walked away, sorry I ever mentioned it. Well, that was helpful, I thought to myself, embarrassed I’d made something out of nothing. Three weeks later I was stunned to learn this same gal returned to her mother’s home and filed for divorce. Obviously something was wrong, and she chose to shut up and get out. I wasn’t giving in so easily. I decided at that moment that I would hold on tight to my man and find help.
But help was hard to find. It seemed everyone was tight-lipped about their relationships. And many of Brent’s friends on the patrol were single. So I had to figure it out for myself. I wondered what I’d gotten myself into. Suddenly I was married to someone different, and it wasn’t what I had envisioned. But the one thing that carried me through this early season was the fact that I’d made a promise to Brent in front of God and everyone that I’d stay with him until “death do us part.” I had to make it work.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" November 5th, 2012
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: chp, law enforcement, law enforcement marriage, Law Enforcement Spouse
A Battle for Your Mind
It was a beautiful morning but hot. A small group of men sat in chairs, facing us from the front, their duty uniforms blending in with the helicopters parked behind them. We were honored to be in their presence as the master of ceremonies recounted the heroics of these men while deployed in Afghanistan. Their ordeal sounded like a scene in a movie, but what they’d been through was very real. After they were awarded their distinguished medals, the families joined them up front for pictures. The officer we were there to support was joined only by his kids, as he was divorced. I felt a lump in my throat. This brave yet humble man before us had been deployed twice to provide medical assistance to those fighting for our freedoms.
When at home he serves as a police officer. I’m sure it was very difficult for his wife to endure the loneliness, the risks, and other things that make marriage to a soldier/cop challenging. Being the wife of a policeman, agent, deputy, or soldier is tough, and there are those who don’t make it. I’d like to tell you it’s not that difficult, but the facts speak for themselves. Divorce is a very real problem for law enforcement. But it isn’t inevitable. Ellen Kirschman, PhD, a clinical psychologist who works with law enforcement and author of I Love a Cop, says this: “Several police-specific studies suggest that the first three years of marriage are the most precarious and that if a male officer stays married beyond those three years, his marriage is, in fact, more stable than one in the general population.”1
Sherry agrees with this. The third year of her marriage to her police officer was very difficult. Her husband couldn’t juggle the new demands of his job, and they had been struggling for a couple of years. Both sides of their extended family were not familiar with the difficulties facing them as a new law enforcement couple and therefore didn’t understand. Finally Sherry moved out. It got everyone’s attention. Their relatives rallied around them, and after six months of processing and healing, they reunited. They are now enjoying a thriving marriage of eleven years.
Making the choice to stay or leave starts in the mind. When things are tough, there is a natural tendency to run. When hard times stay for a particularly long season, some women reach their breaking point. They need relief. And there are those who seek relief in leaving. But in many circumstances, divorce is the beginning of a whole new set of problems. I’ve had my own mind battles. There are times in my marriage that the vow I pledged back in 1988 was the only thing holding me in place. I will go into this later on. But first let’s take a look at the foundation of marriage: commitment.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" October 29th, 2012
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Stress
Perhaps the biggest impact on your marriage will be the stress of your hubby’s job. There are so many pressures on policemen. There’s the hatred from criminals, office politics, accusations from the media, a lack of justice in the court systems, armchair second guessing, the heartbreaking injuries and deaths of innocent people, and even uneasiness of law-abiding citizens. It will, at times, affect him in his off time.
Your husband also undergoes physical stress. Not only does he need to rely on his training to get him out of some tight spots, but he also is required to work different shifts that aren’t conducive to good sleep. On top of that, he may have trouble eating well, as many times they buy fat-laden fast food to sustain them during long hours (we’ve heard the donut jokes ad nauseum). Our guys can also be susceptible to injuries or illnesses related to the job, and, of course, this will affect you.
Lastly, there are strong emotions that come with his job. He’s been trained to be in control, to bring calm to stormy situations. Most will obey his orders, and the ones who don’t may only respond to force. Sometimes it’s hard to turn that off when he gets home. What if you and the kids don’t adhere to something he wants or asks you to do? When your cop has strong emotions, both in control and out of control, that can affect your relationship and home.
Shift Work/Surveillance
Perhaps one of the most obvious things that set us apart from other marriages is the hours our guys work. Their jobs are driven by emergencies, and we never know what will happen and when. No matter what agency he works for, the hours can be long and unpredictable.
Crime and accidents happen twenty-four-seven. Brenna’s husband, Scott, is on the SWAT team for the sheriff ’s department. He constantly gets calls to report for potential situations. At the onset of one recent incident, he kissed his family goodbye, saying he’d probably be home within the hour. It became a three-day hostage showdown. Scott came home a couple times to get some sleep and then returned. For Brenna and her children, it was the most difficult ordeal they’d experienced thus far. Their lives revolved around the situation. Family and friends called constantly for updates, Scott was in high gear the entire time, and it was covered in full-color detail on television.
In addition to long hours, in recent history we have endured something else – deployment. Natural disasters, 9/11, riots, and fires have taken our men to other places to help out local law enforcement in crisis situations. Many policemen are former military, so some cop wives have experience with this. It doesn’t make it any easier – and we’re left to hold down the fort.
Risk
I remember the news footage from September 11, 2001. There were people of all shapes, sizes, ages, and colors fleeing a wall of dusty debris, leaving shoes, purses, and hats behind. My stomach curdled when I realized what happened. I thought about all the emergency personnel who were in the thick of where that debris was coming from. We lost many good men and women that day. September 11 serves as a vivid reminder that what our husbands do is dangerous. When everyone else is running from danger, they run to it. And we know full well the risk that they may not be the same when they return, if they return.
Over the years I’ve been to my share of law enforcement funerals. I’ve had widows and family members cry on my shoulder. We have a fallen officer who is buried within a mile of our home, and we visit his grave every year around Thanksgiving, the time of year he died. The risks are real. And the fear that this could happen to us can wreak havoc if not dealt with. If you’ve been married to a cop for very long, I’m not telling you anything new. You’ve already come up with coping mechanisms and solutions to all of these issues. Sometimes all we need is to know that there are others who are experiencing the same thing, and we are bonded through the experience. But whatever stage you are in, dealing with these obstacles begins and ends in your mind.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" October 22nd, 2012
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Protection of Privacy
When Brent and I moved to Los Angeles, we began to pay a small fee every month to keep our names out of the phonebook. Because I grew up in a small town, this was very foreign to me! But it was for our protection. My husband dealt with questionable characters on duty; therefore, revenge was a possibility. One of the protections we put in place was controlling what information was available to the public. This was before the dawn of the Internet.
There are other things we do as well. We don’t shout to the world what his occupation is. When we are out and about, we blend in. We keep to ourselves, but Brent is always watching. He sits in strategic spots with his back against a wall, in view of the exits. He will zero in on suspicious behavior and be ready to jump in (or leave), should something go awry. Most of the time, the kids and I aren’t even aware of his vigilance. We choose our friends wisely. Most cops end up hanging out with other cops, mainly because they understand and trust each other. Brent and I have maintained friendships with both cops and non-cops; it seems to keep our lives in balance. We haven’t had any issues with this—most of the time. At times his cop mentality has offended others, but, for the most part, non-cop people are fascinated by the stories and ask lots of questions.
Neighbors are a different thing. We can’t dictate who lives next door. Depending on the neighborhood, we’ve both kept quiet, and informed our neighbors that he was law enforcement. At times it has helped others to know who he is, but not everyone is happy about it. One December night Brent was on the roof, putting up Christmas lights. Suddenly our neighbor pulled up and said that there was a young man dressed in dark clothing on the side of a single lady’s home down the street. Brent jumped in the car and went to investigate, finding him hiding in a ravine. He instantly slipped into cop mode, interrogating the kid as to what he was doing. After an hour or so of following the kid home, calling the sheriff, and calming the neighbors’ nerves, we went to bed. The next morning we awoke to vandalized Christmas decorations. Of course, we knew exactly who did it. The kid lived in a rental the next street over, so we held a neighborhood watch meeting, contacted the owner, and by Christmas they were gone. Wouldn’t you know? A string of petty thefts in the area ended at the exact same time.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" October 15th, 2012
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
“I actually am careful about what I wear to bed when he’s on duty. Because I never know when another uniform will knock on my door…” Fran, CHP wife, thirteen years
“How many normal people use words like trained observer and incident in their conversations?” Rhonda, CHP wife, eleven years
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I didn’t sign up for this when I fell in love with my man. Brent was in that place of college indecision when we met. He had just realized that his first choice, the Air Force Academy, was not to be. There was a whole world of opportunity just waiting to be explored! So he looked into medicine and law, and he even considered becoming a pastor. Another choice was the California Highway Patrol. His dad was on the patrol and encouraged him to throw in an application. While we spent time getting to know each other, he was also following up on each step of the hiring process.
Then we got engaged. The first decision we made as a couple was to say yes to the patrol. We set our wedding date five weeks before he was to report to the California Highway Patrol Academy. I had no idea what I was in for. But I had my guy, and that was all that mattered. In our minds, we committed to the patrol for five years. It was a way for us to grow up, get some life experience for medicine or ministry. But somewhere along the way, we let go of other opportunities. His career had become a calling.
He became a cop.
If you knew your husband before he became a lawman, you probably witnessed a change in him. Maybe you met your man afterward and you knew what you were in for from the beginning. But, either way, we became cop wives and entered into a life that is different than non-cop wives. Because he is in law enforcement, your marriage is different from others. But why?
Who He Is
Every society needs individuals who will step in and uphold the laws that the collective people agreed were necessary for peace. There will always be those who don’t want to follow these rules. Some will, at times, go to significant effort to make sure they get their way and then get away with it. Our husbands devote themselves to restoring and keeping the peace these people disrupt. Some call it the thin blue line—the force that stands between order and chaos. It’s a tough position. Because our husbands are protectors of the peace, they have to be on guard at all times in, and sometimes out, of uniform. Their safety is of utmost importance, as is the safety of their loved ones. As a precaution, protections can be put in place to minimize access to themselves and their families.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" October 8th, 2012
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
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