Take Time to Recover
The third stage is to take time to recover. Try to get some time off and get away for a change of scenery. Build positive memories. Take a break from extra-curricular activities that create more busyness. Make sure your family gets rest. If your relationship is at a relational deficit, then start making deposits.
This is also a good time to set some new boundaries relating to the issue. Perhaps you both need to stop spending time with friends who drink heavily and find other avenues for friendship. Maybe you both need to set some boundaries with activities that aggravate issues. Follow the avenues of healthy support. You also have the unique position to help him get the nourishment he needs through healthy meals and exercise. In fact, eating right and exercising are essential for his (and your) healing.
What I’m suggesting here is for the both of you. His crisis affects you in a huge way. Things you go through affect him as well because your lives are intertwined. You both need time to recover and to heal. In some cases it could be a lengthy road. You’ll need this time to remain patient while the problems are resolved.
Being Strong When We Feel Weak
Years ago the mentor I met with while a newlywed was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor. Debbie was given six months to live but died in five. During that time I too was dealing with internal hurts that needed healing. It was really tough. A wise friend of mine encouraged me to watch for what I could learn during this time. “Find purpose in the pain,” she said. I’d never done that before, and in the midst of it all, it seemed impossible.
But it wasn’t. With the help and support of my husband, eventually I viewed the end of Debbie’s life as a new beginning for me. Debbie had imparted a bit of her heart into mine, and this I could hold on to. Incredibly, the final piece of my healing was put into place through a conversation at her funeral. And although I miss her even now, in a way I keep Debbie alive as I carry forward what she taught me.
When you are going through painful seasons of life, challenge yourself. Try to find purpose amidst the pain. What can you learn? What can you carry forward? How can you have victory over what seems like defeat?
When life is topsy-turvy, we need to be held up by our foundations and support system (see chapters six and seven). There may be a tendency to withdraw when things are tough, but it is when we need others all the more. A timely phone call or a meal provided is very uplifting. You never know what kindnesses others will offer when you are in crisis.
As a person of faith, I turn to God for comfort. He has been my refuge and strength in the midst of some very hard times.
The last bit of help may just come from your own attitude. It may sound strange, but when you are going through tough times, be thankful. Sometimes you might have to start with being thankful your situation isn’t worse than it is! It may seem like your life is in shambles, but there is always something small (or large) to be thankful for. You will be surprised how being grateful will lift your spirits!
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" August 14th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
How to Deal with His Crisis
Whatever crises our husbands undergo, they need us, and they need us to be strong. Depending on the circumstances, we could be the ones who are there for him to talk out some of the emotion. But when it’s too big for us, we can come alongside and love them enough to get them the help they need. Whatever they are dealing with, they need to know they aren’t alone.
Our husbands, however, may not want to be “fixed.” It’s their deal, and they want to work it out. In this situation, perhaps they don’t understand the effects on us and our children. Maybe ego is a factor. Maybe they have adopted a cultural view that police officers are supposed to be tough and not show weakness. Sometimes they need space to work out the answer rather than depending on us too much.
Depending on your husband’s department, there may be a stigma against bringing up stress. In some cases, doing so may jeopardize their career. For many years, the culture of law enforcement has been to ignore responses to trauma. These responses have been labeled as weakness. Fortunately, the thinking within law enforcement circles is gradually changing into thinking that trauma is a natural response to the unnatural incidents that our cops experience. While this new way of thinking is slowly making its way throughout the country, it isn’t yet universal. If this is the case for your husband, he’ll need a safe listener, and it may need to be you.
There are three stages of dealing with his crisis. First, identify the problem beneath the symptoms. Seek the cause to the effect. I’ve listed some things here, but this is by no means all there is. Do some research online. Talk with a seasoned wife or another officer you trust. If your department does have resources, by all means take advantage of them.
There are a few practical things you can do as his wife while dealing with his crisis:
• Create a safe place to come home to. Be ready to listen without judgment or fearful reaction. Spend good, quality time with him in his off-duty time.
• Make an appointment for him to get a physical. Stress can take a toll on his body. Nip health problems in the bud.
• As much as you can, create delicious, healthy meals for your family. Stress tends to increase a desire for junk.
• Discourage making important decisions when he is overwhelmed.
• Maintain normalcy with life. Routine can keep balance in the midst of trials.
• Write down your feelings through the journey. When you’re on the other side, you can look back and see how far you both have come.
Second, deal with it head on. It is so important for us as wives to support them in a way that is not codependent. We want to understand and support them as our husbands, but that doesn’t mean making excuses for their behavior. If there is a problem, treat it as reality and work toward a solution. If it’s an issue like burnout he’s dealing with, that could be easily identified and worked through without professionals. But if it’s bigger and deeper, seek help.
Resources Available
Talk with someone safe. Find out if your husband’s department has programs designed to help in each of these issues. If so, make sure that there is confidentiality and then proceed. A police chaplaincy program is another potentially valuable resource. There are many avenues of crisis intervention, and they are designed to discreetly come alongside.
Check if your department has an employee assistance program. They are designed to help police officers get the help they need, sometimes even paying for counseling. Inquire if your husband’s department has a peer support program where other officers have gone through something similar, and join with your loved one to help them through the recovery process. Some departments also offer support groups for related issues.
Religious communities and organizations throughout the country and abroad have many different resources as well. Counseling, support groups and programs, books, and radio programs are designed to come alongside and provide encouragement, support, and guidance.
If these avenues have been tried, and still your officer is struggling, consider an intensive retreat. Two facilities exist in the United States to treat problems related to PTSD and critical incident stress. In California there is the West Coast Post-trauma Retreat. The On-Site Academy is located in Massachusetts. These three- to five-day retreats are held monthly and are designed to help emergency personnel who are overwhelmed by a critical incident or other job-related trauma. The resources section at the back of this book contains contact information.
Through these resources, build your support system. Don’t hesitate if you feel your man is in trouble. His life and your marriage depend on it.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" August 7th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: anger management, law enforcement marriage, police marriage, police wife, police wives, suicide
Fifteen Is Enough!
A few years back, Brent and I were getting ready for bed at the end of the day when he checked his Blackberry one last time. Another suicide. It was number fifteen for our department in a period of four years. I cried out, “Another one?! What are we doing?!” I didn’t know it at the time, but it was quite a prophetic question. I was referring to the department—how will they respond? But actually the more I asked the question, I realized that I might be able to do something as well.
I don’t know what it was about the number fifteen, but it seemed like everyone jumped into action. Number fifteen pushed the panic button, and we awoke. The department began talking about suicide openly. Our officers’ association published a double-page ad in their monthly newsletter: “Call for Backup,” with a picture of a glass of alcohol and a gun. We implemented awareness seminars across the state and set up debriefing sessions with those who knew the suicide victims. We educated ourselves. We decided as a department to hit suicide head on, deal with it as the reality it was, not a deniable secret hovering in the shadows.
In my own research, I learned that almost always the one who commits suicide just ended a significant relationship. When a life is going sideways, others are affected in a big way. Helplessness, blame, an inability to get a handle on problems, and depression (among other things) will push away those who are close. When things are falling apart, and hope seems to have been lost, the natural tendency is to get out quickly. The boat is sinking, and our survival instincts say, “Abandon ship!” Sometimes this is one more reason for those contemplating suicide.
This book is part of my own action against suicide. I care about the mental and emotional health of my husband and those he works alongside. If by sharing my own struggles I can encourage other wives to hang tough through the hard stuff, maybe suicide won’t be such an attractive option to their officers. If educating law enforcement spouses about these realities equips them to deal positively with the negatives, then perhaps marriages will be saved. If our officers know they have backup at home, perhaps they will be more courageous to get the help they need.
Symptoms of Suicide
So how can we discern if our spouse is contemplating suicide? By watching and listening for the symptoms. Sometimes there are signs of PTSD, whether from one specific incident, or a collection of events over time. If they don’t deal with the trauma, they risk depression, which can be a precursor to suicide. If your officer is having trouble reconciling these thoughts, he may be at risk. According to several articles on police suicide, a typical profile of a suicide candidate is a white male, 35 years of age, separated or divorced, using alcohol or drugs, and having recently experienced a loss or disappointment. They may have made out a recent will, bought a weapon, or appear to be getting their affairs in order. There is generally a significant mood change—either better or worse. They may exhibit signs of anxiety, frustration, or confusion.
I once heard suicide referred to as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But in the midst of it, the problem seems permanent. Sometimes it takes another level head to discern what is going on in the big picture. This is where you come in. Learn to recognize the symptoms. If your officer seems like he’s at risk, don’t abandon him or ignore the symptoms. Fight for him! Find help immediately.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" July 29th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: cop marriage, law enforcement marriage, Marriage, police marriage, police wives, suicide
Alcohol and drug dependence are coping mechanisms. Something is up, and they have developed a crutch to lean on. Here are some symptoms of a drinking problem, adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous:
1. You have tried to stop drinking for a set amount of time and couldn’t go the distance.
2. You want people to quit telling you to quit drinking.
3. You switched from one kind of alcohol to another to avoid getting drunk.
4. You need a drink to get started on the day or to stop shaking.
5. You envy people who don’t get themselves into trouble while drinking.
6.You’ve had problems related to your drinking in the past year.
7. Your drinking is causing problems at home.
8. You try to get extra drinks at a party because what is served is not enough.
9. You tell yourself you could stop drinking any time you wanted to but keep getting drunk without meaning to.
10. You’ve missed work or school because of your drinking.
11. You have black outs, times when drinking that you don’t remember.
12. You feel like your life would be better if you didn’t drink.
If you suspect that your guy has a drinking problem, talk with him about it when he isn’t drinking. Be ready with specific examples of behavior, not generalized accusations. If he denies it, get others involved who love your husband. Have your resources lined up—phone numbers, locations of meetings and support groups, and people to contact.
PTSD
Brenda’s husband had nightmares and suffered uncontrollable shaking. Rhonda’s husband told her he was sure he was crazy and even acted like it sometimes. Mary’s husband retreated to the fetal position on the couch and whimpered like a baby then later left her for someone else. All of these men were diagnosed with PTSD.
Post-traumatic stress disorder is a condition that results from a critical incident or develops as a result of repeated exposure to trauma, both very frequent in the career of a police officer. In his book CopShock, Second Edition: Surviving Post-traumatic Stress Disorder Allen Kates says that “one in three cops may suffer from PTSD, a condition that could lead to depression, suicidal thoughts, addictions, eating disorders as well as job and family conflict.” Some of the common symptoms include anger, nightmares, flashbacks, concentration problems, emotional detachment, and avoidance of people and places.
The Power of a Good Marriage
It was a perfect day for Clarke and Tracie to chill out in the pool. But Clarke felt like he would sink beneath the weight of dread. He was struggling with the stuff he’d seen on duty. He wasn’t thinking he’d kill himself, but knew he was starting to head down that road, and he needed help. He’d inwardly argued with himself for quite a while before he took the plunge. “This stuff is gettin’ to me, Trace. I’m not okay.” As soon as it left his mouth, the weight lifted. Until she replied in horror, “Are you kidding me?!” It was not the response he was looking for.
On the outside, Clarke was supercop. On the inside, a teen’s suicide triggered a breaking point. “It was one of five suicides that day, and it was my boiling point,” explains Clarke. “Everything began haunting me. Everything came out—calls from the day before, the week before, the year before, ten years before. They all came back and they came back with a vengeance. Everything I thought I had dealt with, but really just disassociated from, came back.”
He’d told himself to get over it, forget it. But when he couldn’t, he decided he was a coward—a loser. But he did have a great relationship with his wife, and he trusted her enough to share his pain. And although initially her response was less than ideal, by the end of the day she understood that he did the most courageous thing he could’ve ever done—ask for help. After doing some research together, they found the assistance he needed.
Clarke and Tracie are now hosting police suicide prevention seminars across the country. As part of his healing, Clarke made a movie called “The Pain Behind the Badge,” and it’s speaking to officers who have suffered silently for years. When Tracie gets up to speak, she imparts these powerful words: “Why did I ever think he was okay after twenty-two years on the job? The Rock of Gibraltar was crumbling, and I never saw it coming. I’m lucky he’s alive.”
Post-traumatic stress disorder can be very serious, but there is help available. Please let me know if you need resources.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" July 22nd, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: law enforcement, law enforcement marriage, Marriage, police marriage, police wives
Rick was the toughest cop in the room. He’d been on the force for a quarter of a century and had earned respect among his peers. He prided himself in the fact that he kept it together. But there was always a picture in the back of his mind of a little girl and her father that burned to death while he was helpless to save them because of the intensity of the fire. For twenty years he kept it inside until my husband asked him the right question.
The tears spilled and made room for relief. He’d never even told his wife that he attended the little girl’s funeral. And for years it ate at him. When he was ready, he let it go in the presence of several of his fellow coworkers. It was a powerful moment for all who were in attendance.
There will be incidents that, for whatever reason, will insert themselves into our husbands’ minds and sear the images on their hearts. There will be pain, maybe even sorrow. And, depending on your husband’s ability to cope with it, they could do some damage. For some officers, stuffing incidents like this will result in PTSD years after the fact.
Anger
I met Connie by chance at a sporting event. We got to talking and learned that we were both married to police officers. When I told her I was writing a book, she shrugged and said she had another book she was supposed to be reading. I recognized the book and thought it was very helpful to me, but she seemed to begrudge it. I asked why.
“I don’t want to read anything that gives him an excuse for bad behavior,” she replied. We plunged into a discussion as to what she was experiencing. She disclosed that her husband had anger issues. He would rant and rave at her and the kids and feel better afterward, so no apology. She and the kids were suffering. She then mentioned that it started when her kids became teenagers.
My educated guess was that her husband was feeling out of control with his teenagers. Younger children are easier to lead into obedience. They are more impressionable and tend to want to please their parents. But teenagers struggle to find their identity and are looking for their own independence. Some will fight back or disobey altogether. They are much harder to control.
Meanwhile Connie’s husband has been trained to be in control of all situations. If there are people who don’t respond to him, he has been trained to force them to comply. He was bringing home that training. His frustration at not being able to control his teenagers gave way to the explosive anger.
David Augsburger, in his book Caring Enough to Confront says this:
“Underneath my feelings of anger—there are concealed expectations. (I may not yet be aware of them myself.) Inside my angry statements – there are hidden demands. (I may not yet be able to put them into words.) Until I deal with the demands, I am doing little about it all.
“Anger may be the demand that you hear me or that you recognize my worth, or that you see me as precious and worthy to be loved, or that you respect me, let go of my arm, or quit trying to take control of my life.”
If your husband is dealing with anger, remember that anger is a demand for something. A soft answer from you may help to bring the situation to a calmer level. You can talk out some of his demands/expectations in quieter moments and help him to see what it is that he expects. When you both understand these expectations, you can work toward working through it together.
Augsburger also says, “Explosive anger is powerless to effect change in relationships …Vented anger may ventilate feelings and provide instant though temporary release for tortured emotions, but it does little for relationships.
“Clearly expressed anger, however, is something different. Clear statements of anger feelings and angry demands can slice through emotional barriers or communication tangles to establish contact.”[i]
Anger is a tricky thing. Appropriate anger to express demands is helpful to move along conflict resolution. Explosive anger isn’t helpful; in fact, it could be harmful. Linda and John had been married for several years. When they would have an argument, she would resort to yelling. Over time, her anger escalated into hitting, and it continued for years. One night she hit him several times, and he’d had enough. He called the police, and she was arrested for domestic abuse. Linda spent the next two days in jail. Fortunately, it was the wake up call she needed. “My time in jail was very sobering,” Linda recounts. “On the ceiling directly above my head were the words, ‘God will make a way.’ It spoke to me like nothing ever has. It took years and was very difficult to reconcile the events of that evening. But not only have we resumed our relationship more peacefully, we are incredibly close and our relationship has grown leaps and bounds. It truly took this all to happen to find peace and to be grateful for the trials that make us stronger. The anger I was feeling toward John had nothing to do with him…it was all me and what I needed to deal with. He was just a safe target, or so it seemed.”
While this story has had a productive outcome, many cases of spousal abuse do not. Don’t let your or your spouse’s anger escalate to the point of harm. And if it happens, get help immediately.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" July 16th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
It isn’t a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. Stress can create police marriage problems but you can be prepared.
Because my husband has PTSD from his deployment to Iraq, the Fourth of July is now about renting loud movies, closing all the windows and blinds or praying that he gets called into work so he can be barricaded behind the prison walls where the outside can’t come in. I don’t fully understand it all, but that’s what we have to do now to make him feel better. We help relieve some of his anxieties and reassure him that while he will never forget what he went through,. God is still taking the time to heal his heart and mind. We do it one day, one step, and one prayer at a time.
Renee, wife of former National Guardsman and current sheriff’s deputy
You may have heard the tongue-in-cheek phrase about motorcycle cops: “They say there are two kinds of motors: those who’ve gone down and those who will go down.” It’s a little along the lines of a law enforcement career in general: those who have had some kind of difficulty on the job and those who will. In a twenty-to-thirty-year career, your man will suffer something. Injuries, long-term effects of hypervigilance, supervisors who don’t get it, burnout, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), grief over fallen comrades and other difficulties will at some point take a toll. How will you maneuver through these challenges together?
There are three kinds of stress that law enforcement officers experience. The first is general stress, the day-to-day things that life hands us. There are varying levels depending on the seasons that we go through—illness, death of a loved one, financial pressures, and so on.
The second kind of stress that your spouse may go through is cumulative stress. Dr. Ellen Kirschman describes cumulative stress as “prolonged, unrelieved wear and tear that results from having more demands than a person can respond to.”[i] This is also called burnout.
The third kind of stress is critical incident stress. This develops when a specific event happens that overwhelms the officer’s ability to cope effectively. Examples would include accidents that have multiple fatalities or that involve children, a mass casualty incident (like 9/11), a shooting, a suicide of a co-worker, and other disturbing incidents.
Some of the symptoms of critical incident stress are physical. These include chest pain, trouble breathing, trembling, high blood pressure, stomach issues, headaches, fatigue, and poor sleep. Emotional symptoms include denial, fear, depression, feelings of helplessness or feeling overwhelmed, anger, and excessive dwelling on the event. Other symptoms of critical incident stress are cognitive. These include disorientation, hyper-alertness, issues with concentration and memory, nightmares and flashbacks, and assigning blame to others. There are other responses reflected in behavior. [No comma needed in previous sentence.] In addition to some that I go into a bit more below, you may see changes in eating habits, crying spells, and unusual spending.
As wives, we need to be aware of the ways our men respond to stress and learn to recognize problems. It’s not an if; it’s when. Life happens. I’ve provided information on some responses to job stress. It is not an exhaustive list. If you suspect that any of these areas are affecting your guy, I would suggest you do a little extra research of your own so that you can support him in an educated manner.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" July 8th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: communication, law enforcement marriage, Law Enforcement Spouse, police marriage, police wife, police wives, relationships
Part of your support system has to be your spouse. You need him too!
Up to this point I have talked about getting support from others. But I cannot move ahead without mentioning the most influential person of your support system: your husband! You are one entity, and you can lean on one another. Two lives intertwined, investing time, resources, and parts of yourselves to build a life together.
A long-term marriage is a journey of growth. I mentioned earlier that Brent and I had spent our earlier years peeling off our rough edges so that we can enjoy our soft centers in the later years. To be able to do this takes a two-way give and take, not a one-sided approach. Some of your needs will only be met by him.
Your husband’s input and support is valuable no matter how hard it may be to hear. Our guys many times will be brutally honest; they’ve been trained to call it like they see it. For many women this is hard to take.
Kim didn’t see James as her protector for many years. Every time she brought her unresolved conflicts to him from work, he’d ask questions about her response. He was never quick to join her pity parties and didn’t seem to take her side much. He was painfully objective. After awhile Kim translated that to mean that he didn’t care enough to protect her.
But James had a different approach. His support was unwavering for Kim, but he had a whole-picture viewpoint. Rather than take her side no matter what, he thought it best to counsel her to see the situation not as a victim but as an involved party. Sometimes Kim would be right but not always. James felt she should take responsibility for her part in problems, not just enable the victim mentality she resorted to. As Kim matured over the years, she came to see that James was no doubt a protector—he protected her dignity.
Your husband can support you even if he doesn’t see things your way. In fact, it is always better to get another opinion that is different from your own and then think it through. Our husbands are trained to ask good questions and think objectively. Generally women are led by emotions of compassion and empathy as well as a healthy need for significance. But these strong emotions can sometimes trick us. We may not be able to see the full picture. Our husbands can add in other thoughts that help balance us out, and vice versa. They are a strong addition to our support system.
Time for Reinforcement
Andy and Karen were struggling to make ends meet on their police department salary. Andy was working graveyard shift and tried to pick up extra shifts to give them a little breathing room financially. Karen was growing more and more discontent with never seeing her husband, which led to anger. She was almost ready to call it quits when they went to talk with a pastor at their church. After listening to their plight, he suggested counseling. But they were already strapped financially and couldn’t afford it. He then suggested that they meet with another law enforcement couple who could provide some counsel and guidance. Because they’d heard Brent and I speak at a law enforcement function, they contacted us.
We met for a year or so, first as couples then individually. We were able to come alongside them and help them to talk through their issues in a condemnation-free environment. We didn’t offer much advice unless they asked for it but brought up pieces of problems they should look at and discuss. They were soon back on track, but we continue to keep in contact with them to make sure they’re solid.
Sometimes we need a little help to get past the obstacles we face in our marriages. Finding other people who can help you in some way is another piece of your support system. Mentoring and marriage retreats can be a great way to invest in your relationship, as can counseling.
Erica and Marlo, mentioned in previous chapters, go to counseling regularly, like dental check ups. They need a little cleaning to keep things healthy. Others go only when they are in crisis. But do your homework. Not all counselors are created equal. Try to get some recommendations. Inquire if they work with law enforcement. If you are of a particular faith, you may want to ensure that the counselor’s approach is compatible with your beliefs. Spend time in the research beforehand and have their information available for when you need it.
Counsel, friendships with women, your relationship with your husband, and other members of law enforcement all make up your support system. You can’t do life alone and remain healthy. We need each other for the ups and for the downs.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" July 1st, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Last week’s blog has some tips on helping you have a support system with other police wives. Here are some more rules of engagement for you.
Rule Number Three: They Are One, Not Two
Rose’s husband is a deputy with a nearby county sheriff’s department. She was recounting to me how the office had experienced severe drama in the last several months, and it was wearing on her even though she wasn’t directly involved. There were two people having an affair at the office—an officer who was married and the wife of another deputy. Everyone knew except the spouses, and they were all trying to keep it a secret while gossiping about it. What a mess.
You will socialize with other attractive men in uniforms throughout your husband’s career. Chances are your friends’ husbands are nice to look at too. But if we are to conduct ourselves in a way that makes us safe friends, we must establish boundaries with other men.
I have developed a defense mechanism against letting handsome men get into my thoughts. When I see a married man who is attractive, I make sure to meet his wife. Then I look at them as one entity, not two. When I see Robert, I see Sue. When I see Scott, I see Lisa. This has worked for me; it keeps my mind in check. Looking at them as a couple keeps me from flirting and therefore doesn’t stir up bad vibes with my friends. The friendships keep me accountable. I don’t even go there, and others sense that I’m trustworthy.
I also have to mention the way we dress. Women are beautiful. And how we clothe ourselves makes a big statement to others about who we are and what we value. Dressing to attract (very short skirts, low-cut tops, ultra tight pants) may get the attention of men, but it screams to other women that they can’t trust her. She’s unsafe, threatening. Dressing nicely but appropriately helps other women trust you as a friend.
Rule Number Four: Loose Lips Sink Ships!
Have you ever poured a bag of sugar into a canister and realized too late that it wasn’t big enough to hold the whole bag? There are sugar crystals everywhere! They’re on the counter, the floor, and your clothes. You can sweep for the next three days and still feel them on your shoes.
This is what happens when we don’t use discretion. Once your words are out of the bag, they can end up anywhere.
Within departments there are always politics. I can’t tell you how many times key people have tried to get me to talk about my views on things. They’ve tried to get information. I am learning to keep my opinions to myself because my views will be read as my husband’s views. And that could get him into hot water.
When you are socializing with people from the department, play out beforehand what you will disclose and not disclose. You don’t ever have to be rude unless someone gets out of line. Smile. But be careful about passing along information that could jeopardize the well being of your husband. Better yet, stay clear of controversial work topics and share about the other aspects of your lives.
Someone Older and Wiser
Renee’s husband, Joel, had been deployed to Iraq twice. When his time was up with the National Guard, he went to work for the sheriff’s department. Renee had struggled deeply with little kids in tow while he was in the Middle East. She felt very alone, and there wasn’t much support available. Those years were very hard. So when Joel came home and became a cop, she was glad that he was home, but there were still stresses with his job.
About that time she met a woman who was also a deputy wife. Cyndi was a little older, and her husband had been with the county for several years. She took a liking to Renee, and they soon found they had much in common. Soon this friendship blossomed into a mentoring relationship. Cyndi called Renee from time to time and asked her how she was faring. She’d answer questions and listened to Renee’s concerns. She gently guided Renee to keep on investing in her marriage and children and offered understanding and helpful ideas. Unlike the lonely deployment experience, she felt supported and strong.
I, too, have benefited from mentoring relationships. When I was younger, I sought out confident women that I respected and asked them to meet with me for guidance. The time was invaluable. I sat soaking in tried and true wisdom and remember much of what they said all these years later.
In recent years I have been able to pay it forward. I am now a mentor to several ladies and feel honored that younger women want to meet with me. I love listening and sharing wisdom and asking questions to get them to really think about the deep stuff.
If this kind of a friendship appeals to you, start looking for a seasoned woman from the office or another department. It helps if she is a law enforcement wife, but it doesn’t have to necessarily be so. Look for a wise, quiet yet confident woman who cares about you and your marriage. Then take the plunge and ask her to meet regularly.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" June 24th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: cop marriage, law enforcement marriage, police marriage, police wives, relationships
You need a support system, but can you trust women?
I ran into an acquaintance recently who I hadn’t seen in a while. We quickly caught each other up on our families, and she mentioned that her nine-year-old daughter was giving her fits. I nodded, knowingly. “That’s when their hormones start up,” I shared. “I bet she’s also experiencing drama with other girls at school, isn’t she?” She looked at me like I was psychic. I went on to recall stories of my girls when they turned that magic number nine. It was a hurtful time; girls were so mean!
Sometimes interacting with other women is scary. We’ve all been there at some time or another—some girl is creating drama, and suddenly connection isn’t such a hot idea. The good news is as we mature, there are fewer of us who take part in this kind of stuff. But definitely not all. That’s why I say, “Proceed with caution!” If you find yourself connecting with a woman who is gossiping, run—don’t walk—to the nearest exit. Even if she’s talking trash about someone you don’t like, chances are she’ll eventually talk trash about you too.
Rules of Engagement
Over the years I have worked with, served, taught, mentored, spoke to, and counseled hundreds of women of all backgrounds. I’ve learned through trial and error how to be a friend and observed those that do friendship well. I’ve come up with some general rules of engagement that will help you pick some good friends and be a good friend in return.
The Number-One Golden Rule
I’ll start with the most basic. We learned this in school or from our moms early on, but it represents a very good boundary for our behavior! The golden rule is to do to others what you would have them do to you. If you want someone to keep your secrets, keep hers. If kindness is important to you, then be kind. If you would like some practical help here and there, then offer and follow through with practical help. Fill in the blanks from there.
Keep this in mind as you converse with others. As women, we have a tendency to talk too much. Oh, the words we say, every day, in lots of ways! But we all have two ears and one mouth. Listening is twice as important as talking. Ooh, this is a good reminder for me! I have so many stories, and I like to tell those stories to make connections to this and that—show others how much we have in common! But I like to be listened to, so I have had to teach myself to shut my mouth and listen to others.
Rule Number Two: What’s the Back Story?
Novelists are always on the lookout for creative ways to bring in the back story. This is the prelude to what you’re reading in the book, the reasons or the road to how the character got where they are physically and emotionally in the story. The same goes for real people; there’s always a back story.
I have learned to never make assumptions based on first impressions. Some women are shy. Some women want to be friends, but want to first observe if you’re trustworthy or not. When I speak, it’s often the women who don’t make eye contact with me during my talk that approach me afterwards to ask questions.
You’d be surprised how many women are carrying burdens that come across as indifference to others. Those who come across as confident, engaged women can actually be harboring feelings of self-doubt just beneath the surface.
Things aren’t always as they appear. We don’t always have the facts. That fabulously dressed brunette sitting by herself with a don’t-approach-me look has a story. She probably isn’t stuck up. She probably doesn’t think she’s better than you. She might be shy. Or she was abused as a child. Or she and her husband had an argument on the way there. Or she has ten dollars in her bank account and no groceries in the fridge. You never know what is behind the blank stare or the up front attitude. But it might be worth it to try to find out the back story. It just might be very similar to your own.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" June 17th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: cop wives, Marriage, police marriage, police wives, relationships
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work;
If one falls down, his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
Ancient proverb
It started with a funeral… All of our husbands had to work it, so several of us went to Chili’s, ate chocolate cake, and cried together. We’ve been close ever since.
Faye, CHP wife of 16 years
There was an instant connection with other cops’ wives. They could understand what I was going through. It became a lifesaver.
Christina, wife of deputy sheriff
It was a mix and match evening. There were cops’ wives who were married from three to thirty-two years. There were different departments, nationalities, ages, and viewpoints. We had a former dispatcher, a wife who had two sons on the force, and two wives of retired policemen. Several had gone through critical incidents and their aftermath with their husbands. Some had gone through struggles in their marriages and almost didn’t make it. And yet the unity was undeniable. Those who’d never met before were hugging and exchanging numbers by the end of the night.
I hadn’t expected this when I invited several wives of law enforcement to my home to talk about our lives. I was pleasantly surprised at their insight; heads nodded around the table as each took a turn to describe what being a wife of a law enforcement officer was like. At the end of the evening, several women said that even though they’d never done something like this, they wanted to do it again and soon.
I learned something that night. No matter our differences, we need each other.
A Need Indeed!
We have so many demands on our time. Work, children, and managing our homes consumes hours and energy. Add to that a husband’s crisis-driven career, and there’s not a lot of time for much else. We can live our lives moving from task to task, and there is a certain amount of satisfaction with this. But after awhile loneliness sets in. We need connection. We need to laugh together, cry together. We need someone to hear the fifty thousand words we have to get out every day. And our kids just can’t meet these needs.
The California Highway Patrol Academy holds two important events for every cadet class. The day before the cadets report for training, the staff hosts a family orientation seminar. The purpose is to educate loved ones as to what their cadet will go through and suggest ways to help them through the next twenty-seven weeks. The day before graduation, family members of those graduating are invited to a family support panel. The purpose of this meeting is to educate families for their first steps as an officer. In both events seasoned wives are invited to encourage, validate, and connect with other families. Swapping numbers with nearby people, encouraging Facebook connections and forums online, and grouping families according to geographical area of assignment is a big part of the connection process. The reason our department does this is that they have recognized the importance of support systems for our officers. It is becoming increasingly apparent that cops and their families need to have connection with and support from those who love them. Their emotional survival depends on it.
You and I are no different. We may be the support systems for our men in uniform, but we can’t do it alone either. When we deal with what comes home, we need validation of our thoughts and actions. It is good to get feedback from those we trust, and most of all we need healthy doses of encouragement that come from others who love us. Living life together gives us confidence and security.
Let’s start with you as an individual. Do you have close friends or family who support you, your marriage, and your kids? Chances are you have a great support system in place. But what if your husband’s job takes you to another part of the state or country? Or you have a strained relationship with your mother? Or your spouse just started his career in law enforcement and your friends not only don’t understand but also don’t want to?
Brent and I have lived in several parts of our state as he’s transferred for promotions. My experience is that I have been the one to take the initiative. In southern California, before I had children, my workplace was where I found my friends. I found myself tagging along with single girls when Brent was working or looked forward to ladies’ nights out with coworkers. We went to the Hollywood Bowl together, threw wedding and baby showers, and went to lunch. I learned a lot about LA’s creative variety hanging out with these gals.
Once I had children, it seemed to be a little easier to find friends. I joined a local Mothers of Preschoolers chapter and got involved. I was invited by another CHP wife and loved it. As the kids grew older, I met ladies at school functions and the gym. We’d work out and then go to coffee afterward for girl time.
One of my closest friends is a young woman who moved to Sacramento the same time I did, and we met in a Bible study. Once I learned her husband was with the Air Force and they lived five minutes away, our families began living our lives together almost every day. We have continued to keep in touch through the years and spend many of our vacations visiting them in whatever state they reside.
One question I hear often from new officers’ wives is, “How do I get in touch with other law enforcement wives?” It’s not as easy as it might seem. Sometimes you just have to extend an invitation for coffee without expectations. You never know who you’ll connect with and who you won’t. With the friend in the Air Force, I had to ask her several times to get together before she actually took me up on it. She and her husband weren’t used to getting to know people much because they moved often. We cured them of that.
Annie’s husband, Tim, was with county homicide. It was hard on him, and he wasn’t the same person after he saw some awful things. I asked her how she dealt with it. She told me that in addition to her church, she has some great friends in law enforcement. She had grown close to a female deputy who was also married to an officer. When their husbands worked swing shift, they would take the kids out to have some fun. Sometimes they got home just before their husbands did! But Annie told me that those fun times were what got her and the kids through those long, lonely evenings.
Another thing that works fairly well within offices is to get groups of wives together on a regular basis, grass-roots style. The best example I’ve seen is what my friend Faye put together. She and a couple of ladies started going to coffee together. Then they went to a play. Soon they invited more and more ladies from the station to join them, and they came up with a variety of monthly events. Faye had the vision to connect the women in her husband’s office, and she went for it. It caught on. Then when one of the women’s husbands was killed in the line of duty, they stepped up and took care of her, comforting her and meeting practical needs. It was community they created, and it naturally kicked into action when crisis hit. Faye and I are now actively encouraging others to do the same thing in other areas of California.
Another way that we’ve seen great connection on a larger level is groups of law enforcement wives on the Internet. Our cadet wives have been creating small groups on Facebook. This is a great way to keep in touch with several people at once and when you don’t live close to other wives. This is an incredible way to gain information, ask questions about benefits, support families through critical incidents and family emergencies, and just toss out ideas. When face to face isn’t always available, this is a great way to connect. If you check my website, I have updated links to several groups of law enforcement wives on the Internet.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" June 10th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Copyright © 2016-2025 Victoria M. Newman. All Rights Reserved.
Web Site by: Half a Bubble Out Marketing & Advertising
