It’s there on the headstones, barely noticeable. A birth date; a death date. And a little mark in between. The dash – so simple, so seemingly insignificant. Yet it represents a life. It represents relationships. It represents values and words and actions that left a mark on the world.
Last week I attended a memorial service for a beautiful girl with spectacled brown eyes. There were about 2,000 young people with me who dressed in purple, and wiped their eyes as their friends talked about this very bubbly, very fun person whose life was cut short by a car accident.
Her dash represented seventeen years.
Her dash represented a survivor whose father committed suicide just four years earlier.
Her dash represented love and friendship and faith.
Her dash made its mark on many lives – at least 2,000 of them.
What will my dash represent?
This morning I watched a video of the funeral of Chris Kyle, the Navy Seal Sniper who gained worldwide recognition through his bestselling biography, American Sniper.
His dash represented 38 years.
His dash represented a warrior whose devotion to country and service for God ended the terror of many wicked enemies.
His dash represented a man whose love for others brought laughter and security.
His dash made its mark on thousands and thousands of lives.
What will my dash represent?
Will my dash leave a mark? Will that mark be positive?
What is my life about, and who makes my life worth getting up for in the morning?
Will people remember me in the sunshine or in the music?
What will be the consequences of my life be?
My young brown-eyed friend left her mark at seventeen. So few years to make such an impact.
My fellow countryman, Christian brother and military hero left his mark all over the world at 38. His years continue to make an impact through the lives that he touched.
What will my dash represent?
Lord, give us wisdom to choose lives that leave the world better than it was before
The Dash.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" February 16th, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: Chris Kyle, living with purpose, military wives, police wives
Unforgiveness vs. Keeping Short Account
When our unspoken expectations are not met, it is very easy to develop resentment. We take it personally. It’s an affront! But that really isn’t fair, is it? How can our husbands know they did something wrong if they don’t know the rules?
Years ago when Brent was working swing shift, he’d normally get off around midnight. One night in particular, he called me from the office to say that he had to write some reports and wouldn’t be home for awhile. About two thirty a.m., I woke up and discovered he wasn’t there yet. So I called the office. They told me he’d left about a half hour earlier. Because I assumed he’d be there any minute, I waited up for him. In the meantime Brent stopped to fuel up on the way home and struck up a conversation with the gas attendant. They had a very deep, meaningful conversation that lasted about two hours. By the time Brent drove up, I was convinced he was dead and then decided he was having an affair. Either way he would need a funeral! And, of course, I’d planned it all out.
After I unleashed my full fury on him, he told me what happened. He apologized, and I forgave him. Now we laugh about the string of obscenities that flowed from my mouth when I rarely cuss. And that is that.
Unforgiveness will not only kill communication, it will kill your relationship and could eventually kill your soul. No matter how you look at it, you lose. The thing that will keep communication flowing is keeping a short account. Let the anger go.
Brent calls this the emotional bank account. When we spend time together, do favors for each other, have good sex, etc., we are making deposits into the relationship. Arguments, harsh words, unspoken or demanding expectations, slamming doors, etc., are withdrawals from your relationship. Just like money, you look at your account at the end of each month, and hopefully your account is in the black. But too many withdrawals will cause it to fall into the red.
The currency of your relationship isn’t cash; it’s trust. When there isn’t enough give for the take, you run into problems. When Brent was unaccounted for late into the night, fear consumed me. It was a big withdrawal. But when we decided he would phone home if a situation like this came up again (and it did), we made a deposit into our account. When I decided to let it go by forgiving him, we were in the black again. He learned from it too and never made that type of mistake again.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" February 11th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: communication, cop marriage, law enforcement, police marriage, police wives
Go Easy; It Takes Time
I once heard a couple who had been married for over forty years say, “We didn’t really get each other until we’d gotten the first twenty years out of the way.” Now that Brent and I have been married over twenty-three years, I understand what they were talking about. Entwining two lives into one takes time and patience. It takes being lifelong students of one another. And as soon as you think you have him all figured out, he’ll change. So will you. It’s the adventure, and it’s never dull!
This reminds me of good ol’ Shrek and his conversation with Donkey. Shrek refers to himself as an onion. He has layers—really rough on the outside and soft and pliable on the inside. I can look back now and see that our marriage has been like this. We dealt with rough, unattractive stuff early on in our marriage, then, year after year, we continue to enjoy the good stuff.
A Tactical Approach: Communication Killers and Keepers
Learning to speak each other’s language is a lifelong pursuit. It’s the big picture, a little something to keep in the back of your mind year to year. But what about day to day? That’s where the bulk of our communication lies.
There are behaviors and mindsets that will kill the ability to communicate, and there are attitudes and boundaries that will keep the communication flowing. Brent and I call them communication killers and keepers. In the following pages, I explain each killer and it’s opposing keeper.
Unspoken Expectations vs. No Givens
If you want to learn each other’s language, you have to speak. So much of miscommunication is unspoken. We develop assumptions based on our own personal views and values. We have assumptions about how relationships operate, how they should be, and then these assumptions turn into expectations. But when those expectations are not talked about, there’s trouble.
I was brought up in a home that taught if you weren’t fifteen minutes early, you were late. Brent was brought up in a home where perpetual lateness was the norm. This became a huge issue for us, especially because of the nature of his crisis-driven career. I was offended and frustrated time after time because we could never get anywhere when I wanted to be there. After many discussions and tearful arguments, we learned to talk about the expectations each other had about time management.
Newlyweds Mark and Rachel had guests over for the evening. The weekend before, Rachel spent extra time cleaning the house, and she planted flowers in the backyard. Then she took off work early and prepared an appetizer to go with the drinks, made up the meal ahead of time, and put together a beautiful dessert. While the guests were there, Mark offered up some drinks and talked with the guys while he grilled the meat. All had a great evening with lots of laughs. Once the guests had gone, Mark declared he was exhausted and that he had to get up early for the day shift. He promptly went to bed. Rachel, who also had work the next morning, stayed up late cleaning up after everyone, fuming. She didn’t talk to Mark for two days.
Before you get too angry with Mark, you must understand something. His mother was a stay-at-home mom who did everything for her family. She cooked dinner every night and cleaned up afterward without batting an eye. He had absolutely no clue how much work goes into entertaining, much less thoughts about helping to clean up. His unspoken expectation was that Rachel would handle it. Rachel, on the other hand, neglected to voice her expectation that he help with clean up because she assumed he would. His ignorance and her anger were both a result of unspoken expectations that neither of them were aware of.
Expectations do not kill communication; failing to express them does.
Mark and Rachel would have had a much different outcome had they taken a few minutes to discuss each other’s responsibilities beforehand. It wouldn’t have been much for him to clear the table and load the dishwasher while she rinsed. The whole evening was a success until Rachel was offended by her own assumptions.
Take the time to understand expectations for events, your job, even day-to-day things. Then negotiate solutions to those expectations. There are no givens!
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" February 4th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: communication, cop marriage, law enforcement marriage, police wives
The Man-Woman Thing
I like to joke that when God took a rib from Adam to make Eve, He took a whole lot more than just a bone. He also took the multitasking gene, the tendency to nurture, and the ability to ask for directions! But seriously, not only do we deal with our differences in personalities, we also have the man-woman thing.
So many people are irritated with the obvious differences between males and females. I’ve seen a lot of women try to change their guys, make an attempt to get them in touch with their feminine side. Men seem to either joke or just shake their heads at female tendencies. It is almost impossible to truly understand the inner workings of the opposite sex. It’s a fact: we are different! So how can we live together in harmony?
I say accept the differences and learn to appreciate them. Be who you are as a woman. Let him be who he is as a man. Accept the fact that he can’t say as many words as you do in a day and find other outlets (like other females) for the rest of your important thoughts and ideas. Celebrate his ability to be firm with the kids when you waver, and celebrate that you want to hug your little sweetie for as long as she needs. Understand that the best way to talk to your guy is when you do something together. Women like to talk face to face, but men talk best side by side.
We were made to work together. Like a key fits into a lock, our physical anatomy is definitely suited to each other. But it doesn’t end with anatomy. Our personality traits, strengths, and natural tendencies are so different it seems for some that we could never be compatible. But with the right attitude and enough time, you and your husband can learn to ebb and flow with each other’s strengths and weaknesses. It is a beautiful thing to behold a couple with this kind of balance.
Love Languages
“I just don’t feel loved by my husband…” I have heard this from many women throughout the years. Usually her husband actually loves her deeply but isn’t able to show her in the way she can receive it. This too is about speaking a different language. In Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, he describes five ways in which people feel loved. They are quality time, gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, and acts of service. Each person has at least one of these ways they feel loved, and they tend to show love this way as well. A problem arises when both spouses have different love languages. More often than not, this is the case.
Say that Sue’s love language is words of affirmation, and Raymond’s is acts of service. Sue will naturally tell Raymond she loves him often, but he would feel more loved if she offered to take his uniforms to the dry cleaners. Raymond will show Sue he loves her by washing her car, but she wants to hear how he loves her and why. Do you get the rub?
Just knowing how to speak each other’s love language can improve your communication dramatically. It takes a choice on two fronts: choose to show love in his language, and recognize his love language toward you and appreciate it. Better yet, get proactive; talk about love languages together and use the knowledge to love each other more effectively.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" January 28th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: communication, police marriage, police wives
They say marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
Words of comfort, skillfully administered, are the oldest therapy known to man.
Louis Nizer
A sleek, black Lexus caught my eye in the next lane. Wow. It was shiny and new, and the sun hit it just right. It’s a good thing I noticed it because all of a sudden it cut me off! So I’m driving behind this gorgeous car, and I veered into the left turning lane (with my signal on). Again, this Lexus cut me off to do the same (but without a signal). What?! Am I supposed to know where he’s going?!
As we both made the left turn, he made a quick right into a gas station, once again with no signal. Because I’d kept my distance for my own car’s sake, it wasn’t dramatic, but it made me mad. Such a beautiful vehicle but the driver was clueless!
I call this “driving on the inside of the car,” and it’s one of my biggest pet peeves. There are many of these people on the road—those who don’t think to let others know what they’re doing by flipping a simple switch. (Actually, when I think about it, it really shouldn’t bug me. It is, after all, job security for my husband! But I digress…)
It’s called a failure to communicate. And it doesn’t just happen on the road. It happens in relationships every day. Someone is acting on the thoughts inside her head, and she expects others to be able to understand exactly what she’s doing and why. But if she doesn’t give out the proper signals, she runs the risk of making someone angry or, worse, causing damage to herself and others.
Lost in Translation
Communication can be so tricky at times. Words come from deep within a person’s soul and heart. They come with a set of values, experiences, and personal makeup. On the other end, the same words are received into a new set of values, experiences, and different personal makeup. At times I speak a different language from my husband. I can speak a different language from my kids, my mother-in-law, or fill in the blank.
Much of our communication gets lost in translation. If good communication is critical for a lasting relationship, how can we learn to speak each other’s language?
The most obvious way is to spend time with each other. That’s a no brainer. But what about when things change, like when a child is born or a critical incident occurs? What about when time goes by, you lose touch, and suddenly you are clueless to what’s going on with your husband?
Colorful Personalities
Brent and I had reached a point in our marriage where we were in a rut, struggling to understand each other. We were clashing, not in sync, and we were both frustrated. Then Brent brought home a book called The Delicate Art of Dancing with Porcupines, by Bob Phillips. This book is based on four types of people— the analytical, the driver, the expressive, and the amiable— and explores how these people interact and communicate. [i] We answered the questions in the book and were amazed at the results.
When I understood the natural tendencies of my husband, it was a huge “aha” moment and vice versa. We spent a couple of hours laughing over each other’s tendencies and how we differ. It gave us freedom to be ourselves and a non-threatening way to give each other the freedom to be who we are. It was a huge step toward understanding each other, and our relationship has only gotten better because of it. When we come to a situation from two different sides, we are able to see where each other is coming from and then come to a better solution for both.
We also learned about a similar program through our church that was adapted from several sources. This tool categorizes people into colors based on personalities. Red people love fun and are very talkative. Blue people tend to be caretakers, romantic, cooperative, and peacemakers. Green people are problem solvers, leaders, and logical in their thinking. Yellow people are planners, punctual, and structured. We became more self-aware and learned how our colors respond to each other.
Brent is a green, and I am a blue-red combo. Bring our kids into the mix and we have all four colors represented. In moments of peace, we all actually talk about what colors we are. It helps to understand why we do what we do and react how we react. It is a valuable tool to step outside of ourselves and see each other with different eyes.
[i] Bob Phillips, The Delicate Art of Dancing with Porcupines, (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1989) page 43.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" January 21st, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Sometimes You Just Have To Be Brave
The laughter was deafening. Emily found herself laughing along; although because she didn’t really know these people, she felt a touch uncomfortable. Clara had just opened her white-elephant gift: a set of five condoms. It was definitely appropriate for the crowd. They were all recently married, and everyone’s husband or wife was present. That is, everyone’s spouse but Emily’s. Emily’s husband was on duty.
It was her turn. She looked over the gifts that were beautifully wrapped underneath the tree. She chose a gorgeous red box tied with a silver bow. As she started to poke at the ribbon, she thought she heard a guy whisper, “Oh, no.” Too late! At first when Emily opened the box, she had no idea what it was. She lifted it out, and, of course, everyone howled. “What is this?” she asked. Her face flushed crimson as she heard someone shout, “Edible underwear!”
Sometimes you just have to be brave. When events come up, and your husband is working, go. You never know what that event may hold! There will be times when your loneliness will increase because you really wish he was there. But, more often than not, you’ll make a memory. Or laugh trying. Sometimes you’ll even gain a new friend.
When Brent was a cadet in the academy, I drove home after visiting him in Sacramento. It was very dark, and I was on a stretch of rural highway in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly my car sputtered, coughed, jerked a few times, and I found myself rolling, powerless, to the side of the road. Annoyed, I got out of the car, went around to the front, and froze. I saw small flames flickering underneath. In a panic I lost all sense of safety and waved my arms at a few cars that came by. Finally a young man stopped, put out the fire with some water he had in his car, and assured me everything was okay. There was a spooky-looking house several yards away, and about that time, a flashlight approached. “Do ya need to use a phone?” the creepy resident asked. I flashed a look of fear to the young man, and he accompanied me into the house while I called a tow truck and family. An hour later I was on my way home.
This was the first time I had to solve a problem like this all by myself. It was scary! Brent was unavailable, my dad was out of town, and I had to grow up and deal. It was good for me. Since that night I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to take care of problems on my own: hospital visits, car repairs, issues with teachers, landlords, and tenants, you name it. Brent helps me when he can, but, for the most part, I’ve learned I can hold down the fort quite well.
It would be easy to resent situations like these. It would be easy to resent him for not being there. But a sense of survival or duty can take over if you allow it. In fact, you can even choose to gain a sense of accomplishment from learning new skills. This is the kind of strength we can use to build our new normal.
A word of caution here: We married rescuers. Our guys want to be needed. We must keep this in mind, making sure that we don’t become so independent that we cease to need them. I’m talking about balance here, and there is no formula. We have to figure this out with our spouses. Interdependence is the goal, but when our cops aren’t able to do something, we have to pick up the slack.
Make It Work!
Christmas doesn’t have to be celebrated Christmas morning. The Fourth of July picnic can be on the third, and you’ll enjoy it more with less people around! Vacations don’t have to be in the summer months. And days off don’t have to be on Saturday and Sunday. Vacations, holidays, and schedules are yours to tweak to make it work. Each season of your life will have additional considerations. But if you’re willing to think outside the box, you’ll be surprised how well events turn out. Brent always liked to work Christmas Eve. It was generally quiet, so he’d have the guys who didn’t have families nearby come to the house even if we had other guests. He asked me to “work my magic” in the kitchen and spoil them with flavor. I loved every minute of it. We have very fond memories of candles from the table casting a warm glow on their badges. And there was always laughter with a cop at the table.
Expectations
If you expect that your life is supposed to look like your dad’s office job, you will be disappointed. If you expect your husband to make every single event you plan and on time, you will be disappointed. If you don’t try to be creative in making memories that include your husband, you will be disappointed. If you refuse to solve some of the problems that arise when he’s on duty, you’ll have trouble.
The attitude of strength here is flexibility. Creating your own normal and recreating normal are an integral part of a long-lasting law-enforcement marriage. Choosing to be flexible and optimistic in the face of unmet expectations is tough at times but necessary. Managing those expectations with flexibility and optimism ahead of time is even better. Communicating those expectations is another matter altogether.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" January 14th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: brave, Courage, Marriage, police marriage, police wives
Chief and I were on Interstate 5 somewhere in central California when he asked me a question. It was one of those moments. Like when you see smoke rising from a discharged revolver. Or taser darts that grabbed high and low – a perfect hit. Or the boot print on my assets. It was a question that opened up a long forgotten door to my inner self, shedding light on an issue that was meant to be hidden.
I hate when he does that.
Well, not really. Because after the initial hot alligator tears of anger comes gradual relief as I see the silhouette of an obstacle. And like all obstacles, it’s in the way.
Obstacles are kind of like hurdles. And that word right there conjures up memories of gym class eons ago when the coach put out those white L-shaped contraptions on a perfectly good track. My palms get a little sweaty just thinking about it. For those of you who I’ve not met in person, I’ll clue you in. I’m short. And I was blessed with Scottish genes that gave me muscular thighs that should move fast but don’t and a long torso. This translates to very few hurdles left intact after I’ve bumbled through. It’s a wonder I kept all my teeth through the track and field weeks. My knees and elbows still bear the scars of blood long lost on hurdle day.
Chief’s question made me very much aware that I struggle with fear. Fear of heights. Fear of failure. Fear of dying when I run too long. The list goes on a little further, but I think you get the point.
As I made peace with this new realization, I was reminded of a picture my aunt gave me on my 40th birthday. It was a picture of a little blond girl of maybe four years old, running full force through the grass, a look of pure delight and excitement on her face. She had bright eyes and a huge laughing smile. It was me. My aunt wrote a note that said this is how she sees me, even now. It was my favorite gift that year.
With that picture in mind and the fear obstacle in front of me, I made the decision to tackle my fears in 2013. To sprint full force toward the things that scare me, and leave no fear hurdle unturned, even if I have to skin my knees along the way. My word for this year is FEARLESS.
I plan to run a marathon late in the year, with little races on the way. For my 25th anniversary I’m having Chief take me to Maui to learn to surf. And this summer I will jump out of an airplane. There are other goals and fears that I want to tackle as well. It’ll be a new season of adventure!
What about you? Want to join me? What word will be the theme of your 2013? What’s your game plan? I’d love to hear.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" January 4th, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: Courage, Fear, law enforcement, police wives
My, how 2012 has unfolded.
At this time last year I had a book in hand and a trip overseas planned. I had a dream – but would not have guessed the places I was to go, and the people I would meet. It’s been a wild ride, but one that I cherish and that I treasure.
A few highlights:
In February: I went on a trip to the Philippines with CODE 3 International to bring the Courageous movie to over 5000 Philippine National Police officers. That was incredible.
In April: I had a huge book signing in my hometown, Chico, California. Lost count of how many came. I met some wonderful girls who told me of the needs there. In November, I went back for a conference that several of them put together, and now I hear there are new relationships that have formed, and there are tentative plans to do another in the area, and talk of doing it statewide.
In May: I traveled to Washington DC for Police Week with CODE 3 International. What an incredible week. Thousands of police officers and their families. Made connections and sold many books. I also entered into contract with a client to write a second book.
In August: I loved speaking to the San Diego Wives Club and going to dinner with the leadership. They are a truly lovely group of women. I still get all warm and fuzzy when I think of them.
In July and October: I visited Texas, Kentucky and Tennessee for interviews with Army service members for my next book.
In between these significant events, I have connected with several of you over the course of the year, networking, helping, mentoring, listening, and working together on projects. I love what I do because of you.
This year I’ve had a theme word that I kept in mind all year long. It was SPEAK. When I chose it last year as the theme of 2012, it was just about self-explanatory. I’d just come out with a book and had speaking engagements on the horizon. But then in August, a precious girl spoke up after I’d spoken in San Diego. “What if we do the things you’re suggesting, but our LEO still holds onto the remote?” This was a response to cops who veg on the couch in the coming down phase of hypervigilance. I had talked about this phenomenon, and we agreed it was difficult on a marriage. Without thinking, I blurted out – “You stand in front of the TV!”
This brought on a whole new meaning to my theme word, and I incorporated my theme more deeply in my marriage and role as a mom. To speak is to be courageous. To be in touch with our relationships. To dare to realize that there are areas that need improvement and then communicate this with our spouse and children. We can initiate change if we find our voice.
In the course of the year, I’ve also discovered that to speak wisely, it is also imperative to listen. In the interview process of this next book, Selfish Prayer, I flew to different parts of the country to ask questions of soldiers who were in Afghanistan. Because I don’t have a military background, I had to listen quite intently, learning as I went. I had to decipher the language of the Army, medical terminology, and listen to the personalities of the men involved so that I could accurately and creatively tell their story. And then as I translated it all to paper, I realized I had listened well, but still had much to learn of their experience.
I’ve learned much through this year about communication. To SPEAK is to dare to suppose I have something to offer the world. But in this I also learned that humble confidence is key to SPEAKING WELL. Whether it’s before an audience of a thousand, or one.
I have a new word for 2013. It is FEARLESS.
More on that tomorrow…
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" December 31st, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: communication, New Year, police, police wives
Christmas Thoughts for the Hurting
Last year Christmas was very difficult for our family. In the midst of the culmination of a dream – the release of my first published book – our family experienced a very painful season. In light of so many life-altering events that we hear about and experience every day, I want to share our story – humbly and vulnerably – in hopes that it will bring hope to those who are hurting.
In the fall of 2011, my son, fresh out of high school, left for USMC boot camp. We had invested a 2-year journey of exploration, prayer and gut-searching talks about this decision, and Chief and I were very supportive, as were our other three children. We were ready – even a little excited – about being a Marine family.
Five weeks in, it all began to fall apart.
My son called me from an ambulance – he and several others had pneumonia, but they also suspected he had meningitis. His boot camp brothers were given antibiotics and sent back. My son underwent a spinal tap, which paralyzed him from the knees down for three days. He was subsequently separated from Bravo Company, a devastating blow.
This set into motion a downward spiral of ill-fated circumstances that stripped our son of everything. He fought back with a burning intensity, but in the end, he was medically discharged from the Marine Corps, and arrived home shortly before Christmas.
To add insult to raw hurts and insecurities, our reunion in the airport sparked the interest of some nearby. He was mistaken for having come back from war, and was thanked for his service. He looked, talked, walked like a Marine, but he was not a Marine.
Our journey had only begun. We were not fully aware of the things he’d undergone. We just knew he was deeply confused, lost, and hurting.
We had planned to postpone Christmas until the second week of January, after his graduation. The kids were totally willing to wait. We were gonna keep the tree up no matter how dry, and have people over for dinner, and do the whole thing in January. But that didn’t happen either. We spent Christmas Day together in a fog. We went through the motions, very glad to have our son home, but there were questions lingering, and pain that oozed from our confusion, and we passed over it in the spirit of the season.
“Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la…”
I suspect that many of you will do the same this year. We’ve lost several of our blue brothers recently, one only on the job for four months. Just this month, California Highway Patrol lost two of our own – one from his own hand, the other in an off-duty hit-and-run. There are 27 families in Connecticut that will be without their loved ones, and in Colorado 12 more. Losses, cancer, people without work, broken dreams, broken lives, broken people.
“Long lay the world in sin and error pining…”
Some words I wrote in this season:
“Oh, Lord, I come to you this morning with heaviness of heart. With longing for peace, for answers, for direction… As always I look for quick answers – for resolved revelation, so we can move on from this dark, confusing place…
“Can I, in this Christmas season, have joy in the midst of hardship? Can I rejoice – return to joy – amidst my circumstances, by faith? Help me to understand this: there is unfinished business in our home, but You know all about it, have a plan, had a plan, and are carrying it out now. The solution will not be wrapped as a gift under the tree at Christmas Hollywood-style, but yet help me return to faith, return to joy, return to the knowledge I have of Your character. It is in this place, bolstered in the assurance of Your sovereignty and individualized love for my family, that I dare to re-joice.” – (Journal Entry, December 23, 2011)
Five months later, I was at the Law Enforcement Memorial in Washington DC. It was Mother’s Day – and the Candlelight Vigil was to begin in a couple of hours. My phone rang, and my son wished me a happy day. And then he told me that while in boot camp, he witnessed a suicide attempt, close enough to get blood splatter on his uniform.
A cold chill went down my spine. And then the thoughts that had been a jumbled mess for months suddenly aligned. Oh. Now I get it. My son had post-traumatic stress from a violent act he witnessed firsthand.
I listened. I prayed. I called Chief. I called our Marine recruiter. And while I was on the phone, a Marine in his uniform hobbled by on crutches at the Vigil site. He had only one leg.
Finally, the truth was known. Now we can do something.
When I got back, we got our son into EMDR therapy. We journeyed alongside him through nightmares, anger, grief, sadness, and the aftermath of difficult sessions.
And then, slowly but surely, he started coming back. And our relationships deepened. Trust was built. Genuine, unguarded hugs were exchanged. And the darkness has lifted.
My thoughts this year:
“Lord, I am amazed by Your faithfulness. This past year has been a walk of faith through many trials. And although life isn’t perfect, it is good.
“I have trusted Your character, Lord, and You have been completely faithful. I have been imperfect in my trust, but You have been perfect in Your love and guidance, in Your vision for us, and Your plan in the midst of our pain.
“This Christmas season has a renewed hope within our lives. We’ve been through the storm – tossed and shaken, uprooted and battered. And now we are rebuilding. My trust in You has grown; my inner panic in the midst of circumstances that seem so bad on the outside has subsided as I learn how You work. You are the Master Potter, the Chief Weaver, the Patient Artist. You have Your vision, and You carefully, faithfully, lovingly bring it together in Your time.
“I am peaceful in the midst of this process – still afraid, still moved by circumstance, but anchored by the hope of Your Mighty Hand.” – Journal Entry, December 1, 2012
Losing loved ones in the process of human life is so difficult. The grief can be devastating. Walking through unknowns in our marriages, with our health, our kids – overwhelming. But there is One who is very much concerned, very present in your pain, and very able to comfort. He will help you rebuild, from the inside out.
Life’s solutions are not wrapped in pretty packages. They unfold in time, as we dare to emerge from the shadows, knowing there is the light of hope beyond the dark.
“O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night and death’s dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee…”
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" December 21st, 2012
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: hope, law enforcement deaths, military, pain, suicide
Balancing Home Life and Career(s)
Jenny and Tim had been married double-digit years when they had their first child. Before this time she was a dispatcher and he an officer. They worked out their shifts together, and it was relatively easy, considering it was just the two of them. But when their daughter came, things changed. Jenny quit her job to stay home. Tim was still working long hours, and there were other demands that had to be taken care of as well.
In response they set up an agreement. They decided that when he had his days off, he was to give them one full day. The other days were up for grabs, but one day was to be spent with his girls. This worked as they scheduled several days a month to be together.
Kathy and Jerry did something similar. Jerry would come home from long hours on the job and retreat to the computer. He was really good at Farmville, an easy game on Facebook that he used as his down time. But it was creating resentment in Kathy. He’d already been gone for many hours; why would he want to spend more time without her and their son? She came to understand that he, in fact, craved that down time; he needed to think through the demands he felt during his shift. But this understanding didn’t entirely solve their problem. What did work was scheduling time to sit together and talk without other distractions. Sometimes they’d talk about their days, other times they got into deep issues, and other times they planned special trips. And occasionally these nice little talks led to intimacy in the bedroom.
Seasons: Recreating Normal
As the years progress, seasons come and go. Seasons of long hours. Seasons of illness. Seasons with children. Seasons with inadequate leadership within the department. Some of these seasons are amazing and some are excruciating. But they come and they go. When we live day to day, it’s very easy to forget this.
I took a walk with a physical trainer several years ago. Kate was bemoaning the fact that she was to have surgery on her knee within the week. She was weary of her injury. She was worried about gaining weight and possibly losing her job. She was sure that life would crumble around her and never be the same.
I suggested that she was in a winter season. I explained that there are seasons of life that seem bleak. Colorless. Like there’s no hope. She perked up when I told her that winter seasons eventually move into spring seasons. Seasons that show promise of beauty and color. There’s newness everywhere, and we get excited in our anticipation. Spring seasons move into summer seasons, and so on. Kate told me she’d never heard that before but seemed hopeful. Two months later she led our water aerobics class in a full-hour workout. Spring had come.
It’s all about attitude.
If your husband is working really long hours because of a case he’s on, it will end at some point. Some seasons are longer than others, but they do change. Your attitude makes the difference. Understand that you have to create a new normal for each season. Adjust expectations. Hold onto hope. Hunker down and persevere during the winter, knowing that spring is on it’s way.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" December 18th, 2012
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
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