Bonus!
Once our oldest daughter was born, I quit work and stayed home with our children. It was reducing to one income that forced us to pinch pennies. We had mouths to feed and only so much money to buy that food. I’ve listed some ways that we have implemented to bring down our costs.
These are some of the savings I have found when trying to balance the budget. They are tried and true.
Money is a huge issue for marriages, and the financial times we are currently enduring have taken their toll on many families. But we can take control of this area of our marriages and make it what it needs to be. When we make the choice to keep spending under control, everyone benefits, including our children.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 30th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: communication, cop marriage, law enforcement marriage, police marriage, police wives
Keep Your Money Life Intact
It Can Be Better
Are we destined to always struggle with our money? How much is enough? Will there ever be enough? Like Ted, does your husband feel the pressure of providing for the family yet feel as if the debt gets bigger as the hopes grow smaller to ever reach your goals? If so you’re not alone. Unlike most relational things, there actually is a formula to solve our financial woes.
I recently heard two cop wives talking about their finances. They were both on the same money plan and were comparing notes.
“Where are you in the process?” asked Barbara.
“We are now debt-free, except for the mortgage,” Eve said with a smile.
“Wow! That was quick!”
“We had a lot of things to sell,” explained Eve, “Then we took the money and paid off debt. We found a renter for our big house, and now we have a down payment on a smaller home in a better community. It’s all been working out very well. We don’t have to count on Ben’s overtime anymore. How about you?”
“We have about a year and a half, and we’ll be debt free. We’ve whittled our expenses down to the point that we have extra money each month that goes toward paying off our credit cards. It is so freeing!”
The plan that Barbara and Eve were speaking of is Dave Ramsay’s “Total Money Makeover.” His book of the same name shares a simple yet smart plan to get out of debt as soon as possible and then use your money to build wealth in smart ways. Brent and I took a money class shortly after we were married. The class was called Master Your Money, by Ron Blue. We learned some great principles for managing our finances. More recently we read Ramsay’s book together. His ideas and principles were very timely.
Whether you choose Dave Ramsay, Ron Blue, or something else, the point is to have an agreed upon plan. If you are currently in a difficult place financially, there is hope. Get creative. It’s amazing to watch your money make the shift from burden to delight as you get spending under control and see it grow. It’ll be one more thing under control in your law enforcement life. And that makes a huge difference!
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 23rd, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: communication, cop marriage, law enforcement marriage, Law Enforcement Spouse, police marriage, police wives
Money Talks
Ted and Sarah have difficulty talking about money, as it is a constant source of conflict. Ted gets frustrated that he works hard to bring in the money and they never seem to get ahead. Sarah naturally avoids conflict, so she inadvertently sabotages their efforts by not communicating with Ted about upcoming bills. This of course angers Ted and adds late charges to an already tight budget.
Even though money seems like it should be handled without emotion, it isn’t. So much of who we are is wrapped up in our money! For men the traditional role as provider says a lot about who they are as a man. The expectations have been built up into status. If you make a lot of money, you are a success. If you don’t, not so much!
For women, we tend to view money as security. If we have money, we don’t have to worry about where to live, what we wear, and what we eat. If we are short on money, we tend to worry.
Rich and Anna didn’t have a large income, but they made it work. However, Rich felt that because he worked hard he deserved a nice truck. He spent a lot of money on his trucks while Anna scrimped and saved and did odd jobs to feed and clothe the kids. Over the years Anna and Rich had many arguments, and eventually Anna took over the management of the money. She didn’t give Rich much to spend, so when Rich got an overtime check, he’d cash it and spend it without telling her.
How you handle money can build trust or be a source of mistrust. Typically, every couple has a spender and a saver. And unless the two have agreed upon goals and budgets, the constant push and pull of the money can be destructive to a marriage. The solution lies in acknowledging our shortcomings and for both to be involved in money management. We need to ask ourselves the hard questions and then answer honestly:
• Are we both committed to improving this area?
• Who is the saver, who is the spender?
• What are our individual responsibilities?
• What do we both want from our money?
• Where can we cut our spending to invest in our future?
• When do we waver in our control of spending?
• How did we get ourselves into the debt we have? How will we get out?
• Are we a slave to our home, striving to make the payments?
• Is our money working for us, or against us?
• How deep are we willing to cut luxuries to ease financial stress?
Have a regular business meeting with your husband to get on top of things. When we are proactive about communicating, especially when it comes to money, it will have an accumulating effect much like the emotional bank account. For the one who does most of the money business, it’ll really help him/you feel a lighter burden.
To keep our money life intact, we need some guiding principles. Then we need a plan based on those principles. I’ve included some financial guidelines that Brent and I have learned and tried to practice over the years.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 16th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: communication, cop marriage, law enforcement, Marriage, money issues, police marriage, police wives
Every September I do the same thing – I watch shows that tell the stories of 9/11. I’m well versed in Flight 93 – I’ve watched just about everything I can get my hands on, read books, and know many of the names of those who became heroes that day. I’ve heard the stories of Pentagon rescues and the last moments of those who were in the Twin Towers. I envision the terror in the hallways as hundreds of people are descending the stairways, and imagine looking into the eyes of the firemen who were going the opposite direction. I’ve seen and heard the grief in the survivors’ eyes via television, and feel their pain many miles away. Every year I learn something more, and every year I am amazed at the character that was revealed in America’s day of doom.
I’ve many thoughts, but one stands out this morning.
Crises unveil true character.
Of all the stories of those who put themselves aside and acted unselfishly, there is something in common. Those who knew the heroes weren’t surprised by their final moments. They talked of how their loved ones lived beforehand – giving of themselves in the small moments, in the day to day.
Thinking of others was their mindset. Loving was their lifestyle. And fighting a primal urge to save themselves amidst chaos and mayhem, they let a greater motivation determine their actions, and loved to the end. And we, the world, watched. We were amazed. And grateful.
Our nation’s police officers, firemen, rescue workers, and military are trained to run to the chaos. They feel fear just as I do, but their inner character dares death and steps in and up to the task at hand – to protect and serve in the ways in which they are trained.
I think back to my husband’s training. At first, the Academy personnel knocked the wind out of them. They stripped the men and women of the faulty foundations they had come in with.
Pride. False sense of ability. Selfishness.
They put them in impossible situations, and demanded they perform anyway. But there was a purpose: to make them teachable.
Then, the instructors began to rebuild them. To give them tools and training to survive, take charge of chaos, and to respond appropriately in confidence. They did this over and over and over again.
By the end of his training, my husband was rebuilt. He was a trained observer. He knew what to do in crisis. He was confident.
As we look back at 9/11, we remember that ordinary people did extraordinary things. And we say a silent prayer of thankfulness for them.
But crises happen throughout life. What will drive our reactions?
The way we practice our lives now determines how we will respond to crisis.
Heroes are made in the quietness of soul resolve, in the mundane episodes of repetition, and in the decisions made day to day. Then, when chaos calls, the choice is made to respond, simply yet readily.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 11th, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: 9/11, heroism, police officers
“Don’t even consider keeping up with the Joneses. THEY’RE BROKE!”
“The number one cause of divorce in North America is stress due to money problems.” Dave Ramsey, financial advisor
It’s no secret. Across the country and beyond, we’re vulnerable to economic trends. Why? Because, for most of us, we are dependent upon other people’s money. We have become increasingly dependent on Wall Street, banks, and the government. We work hard, and then everyone takes a cut. Then we get to choose how to spend the leftovers. If we decide that the leftovers aren’t enough, we borrow. Pretty soon our choices are made for us; we no longer have enough left over from the leftovers to live. It’s a vicious cycle, and we’ve seen the consequences of this in the last few years. People are losing their homes, jobs, and more. Cop families are no different.
Carl and Tina declared bankruptcy and lost their gorgeous house because they bought whatever they wanted on credit and then couldn’t pay the mortgage.
Quinn and Saul both work just to make ends meet because half of Saul’s salary goes to alimony payments.
Brian and Marcy depended on his overtime to make their house payment. It severely cut back Brian’s opportunities to expand professionally, and he was hardly home with his family.
Carrie and Andy bought an expensive house on the outreaches of what they could afford. Then the police department implemented a pay cut. She ended up having to teach school when she desperately wanted to be home with her little girls.
All of these families are law enforcement. Good careers. Excellent benefits. Decent salaries. But no matter how much money is made, failure to plan is a plan for failure.
The Role of Hypervigilance
There are law enforcement-related issues that affect our money. Hypervigilance and critical incident stress have their effects. Dr. Gilmartin says,
The behavioral and marketing researchers on Madison Avenue have… clearly established that certain individuals, when feeling mildly depressed or unfocused, can find themselves feeling more energetic if they purchase something. This form of “retail therapy” does have distinct gender differences. Women tend to make small ticket purchases… Males do not appear to like to go shopping, but they do enjoy “buying stuff”… big-ticket items like boats, cars, pickup trucks, motor homes, campers, and maybe some power tools.
What happens is that retail therapy can turn into debt. And debt becomes a huge burden that results in extra jobs and overtime. The catch phrase he who has the most toys wins turns into he who has the most toys whines.
This spending pattern affects our marriages. More and more debt is added to our limited resources and can rob us of financial security. We are constantly behind, working harder and harder to catch up. Dr. Gilmartin adds,
This cycle robs the officer of any sense of financial security across the span of the occupational career. Many officers, without having a sense of proactive control of their finances, experience significant distress economically, in spite of enjoying an occupational career that is generally free of lay-offs and downsizing, with excellent retirement and medical benefits.
One of the benefits of police work is the financial security it brings to the family. Most sworn police officers are in it for the long haul; a twenty-to-thirty year career in law enforcement is the goal. There are exceptions, but depending on what your department offers in pay and benefits, chances are good that you’ll belong to the middle class. Also, law enforcement is a reasonably secure profession. There will always be crime; therefore, we will always need police officers.
But if we allow ourselves to get into debt to the point that we are strapped financially, that feeling of security begins to wane. When our officers are working day in and day out but money is constantly coming up short, a sense of frustration can develop. These feelings will heap on top of regular pressures of the job, and can lead to a feeling of desperation. At this point, talking about money will become very difficult.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 8th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: communication, cop marriage, law enforcement marriage, money issues, police marriage
We are the warriors behind those who go to war.
While our officers battle on the streets, we battle from within our homes. We are the strong, back up forces that support, equip, and empower our police officers out on the street.
We stand.
We know who our officers are and who they are not, yet we stand with them through the darkest of hours and the brightest of victories.
We are proud.
We love the uniform and all it represents. We know the need, we see the sacrifice, and know what our officer did to earn his uniform, his badge, his gun, and his pride in who he is.
We support.
We know what they go through, we know the cost. And we let them lean on us for what they need so that they can do what they need to do out there, coming home at the end of the shift.
We defend.
We battle the questions. There are those who are against our officers, who hate their authority, who take away their freedoms to wreak havoc on our communities and families. It’s hard to hear the criticism, even from those we are close to. But we stand up for our officers anyway, sometimes silently.
We battle.
We battle moods. We battle our own reactions to those moods. We battle the long term apathy that comes with such moods.
We make do.
We explain to our little ones why their daddies or mommies aren’t there. We’ve already wrestled with this in our minds and hearts. It’s not how we’d like it to be. But it is reality, and the first thing a cop spouse must do is to accept things as they are, and then make do.
We go alone.
We get in the car and go to birthday parties, school plays, and church services. We get dressed and put on makeup and smile and do this out of survival. We would prefer to go with our officer – but instead we just go.
We are loyal.
We care about our officers, and we are in their camp. We love them fiercely and defend them to those who would dare speak or act against them.
We persevere.
At times it is tiresome. There are times when we are lonely, and we are exhausted, and we are done, and yet we wake up every morning and do it again. And again. And again.
We love fiercely.
Why do we do what we do? Why do we battle and persevere and explain? Because we love and are in love, and will love. Fiercely.
We change plans.
We’ve had to live our lives with flexibility, because we are determined to make life with our officers a good one. We are willing to work, and maneuver, and change to make this happen.
We cry.
Tears are not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength. Because we acknowledge that sometimes life sucks, and we are not made of stone. But we are still strong – strong enough to let ourselves be soft when we need to be.
We cope.
When things go sideways and catastrophes happen, we learn to roll with it. We cope. We make things happen. We thrive when others only survive. And we do what we must.
We trust.
We believe in the training and abilities that our officers have. We trust them to be safe, and to be vigilant. We trust their partners to watch their back, and their leaders to do the same. We choose to trust in the face of fear.
We face hard moments alone.
We take our kids to the doctor, and take the phone call of bad news. We walk on egg shells when our officers are bothered by something and wait patiently for them to spill the reason. We face hard moments knowing that our officers will be there, eventually.
We work hard.
We clean and cook and plan and flex and work because we believe that what we do matters to our officers. We work hard to make a safe place for them to come home to, day in, day out, year in, year out.
We do without.
We are lonely, we are underestimated, we are thought of as weak. But it takes an amazing person to do without and creatively thrive anyway.
We mourn.
We put on black and we tuck a handkerchief in our pockets and we stand with our officers and mourn those who made the ultimate sacrifice. We hurt with our husbands, and feel their pain, and let the tears flow when they’re not around. We feel the pain, too.
We fear.
There are many unknowns that we face. Will he come home? Will he be faithful? Will he be safe? We have no guarantees. We endure close calls, hospitals, the what ifs.
We fight.
But we fight anyway. We fight for our marriages. We fight for our families. We fight for our rights. We fight our own emotions and we fight with our officers. There is no place for us on the sidelines.
We are warriors.
We are strong.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" September 5th, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
I’ve never watched the VMA awards before.
I don’t even know what VMA stands for. And I don’t really care.
But this week has been overshadowed by the latest shocking event on this show. Why? Because my daughter is mortified.
My girls grew up watching Hannah Montana. They’d finish their homework, and run to the television to watch the latest show. And all of us moms were like, “How cool is this? A wholesome show, where a daughter and her dad work together. This is great!”
My daughter reminded me today that her dad, AKA Chief, did not allow her to buy the Miley Cyrus CD. She was heartbroken.
I hadn’t remembered this.
But once I recalled the situation, I think I didn’t really agree with him. I didn’t see the harm in “Nobody’s Perfect.” But he set his foot down, and I let it go.
Today, I watched “Hannah Montana” in action again, only this time I was absolutely appalled.
My girls and I watched her new video for her song, “We Can’t Stop.” We looked at one another and my oldest responded, “What happened to her?”
That’s what I’m wondering, too. What happened to her?
She’s beautiful. She used to have amazing long, flowing hair. She has a flawless voice. She has money, and fame. She was smart, and funny, with some country, down home roots.
This week, as I watched her stick her tongue out KISS-style, shaved head with hair-ears, gyrating with a foam finger, freak dancing on a married man (oh, they call it twerking now), and generally making a first-class fool of herself, my first thought was, she’s reduced herself to her crotch.
I know that’s harsh. I’m sorry.
Yep, I’m sorry for her. And her dad. And for my girls to see such a gifted girl objectify herself for shock factor, or money, or ratings. It’s really sad. Because she is really so much more than that.
My “adopted” daughter (she’s like family) posted on her Instagram yesterday the photo you see above, a quote from Audrey Hepburn: “There is more to sex appeal than just measurements. I don’t need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal, picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain…” and the comment: “This is the obvious difference between a timeless Oscar winner and a little girl in desperate need of a daddy willing to pull his baby off that stage and remind her she’s beautiful…”
I’m not bagging on Billy Ray Cyrus – I have no idea what goes on in their home, what the dynamics are, and who exactly is making the decisions for his daughter, who is only 20. I just keep thinking of Chief and his unpopular decision to ban the music. Knowing what I know now, his spidey-cop-sense was pinging back then. Little Miley has been on a downward spiral for quite a while now. He didn’t think it prudent for our young girls to listen to the boy-centered lyrics over and over and over. I didn’t catch on right away, but he was protective. It’s a cop thing. Our kids need us to protect them from the world. Sometimes they need protection from themselves. It’s a loving thing for a daddy to step in and say no – no matter what the reaction.
Never underestimate the power of a dad who protects his kids.
And ladies, never undermine the value of a dad who protects his kids.
Chief has made some decisions that our kids thought were too strict at the time. Music. Places. Clothes. Friends. He said no when it wasn’t popular. He knows that our girls are smart, and beautiful, and have value and worth, and he has told them this for years. The boys round here know they have to go through Dad to get a date. Believe it or not, they appreciate this.
When I was a little younger than Miley Cyrus, I was out of control too. For me, I had the love and support of a family at home, and a dad who loved and protected me the best he knew how. But I needed to make sure that my family’s values were to be valued. At 16, it seemed that they were more of a hindrance to my fun than protection. So I was one person at home, and a very different person at the parties. Soon, I found myself in a downward spiral. I was miserable, even a little desperate. Then, in a great crescendo of foolishness, I went completely berserk and suddenly even the bad company thought I’d gone too far.
It was enough to slap me into reality. I looked in the mirror and saw that my beauty was fading, my body was weak, and there was no light in my eyes. I left the party scene for good. I went back to church. I apologized to my parents, and to God. And my dignity was returned. Their God-inspired family values became my own.
Because our kids have parents who love them enough to cherish and set boundaries to protect them, they’ve developed an inner value and peace. When I was that wayward, self-destructive teenager, my mom was on her knees in prayer, and my father set the standards. When my actions reaped their natural consequences, their love wooed me back home. And I found peace.
My prayer is that this latest event will be what slaps Miley Cyrus into reality, and she will return to her Southern roots, return to dignity, and finally become who she was born to be. It’s never too late to go home.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" August 28th, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
How Do You Spell Relief?
Whether the issues that you face in your marriage are a result of his job or relational differences or other outside pressures, there is a likelihood that at some point you will want to give up. Even the best marriages have occasional long winter seasons, and we are human.
For sixteen months, Brent lived out of town during the week while he commanded another area. Then he transferred to a local position but took on the most challenging job of his life. I saw him more, but for the first few months he came home and promptly fell asleep on the couch. His job took more and more of his energy, concentration, and time. Then personal hard times hit. It was very difficult. After many months of seemingly impossible demands at work and at home, I saw a change in his behavior. He became withdrawn, angry, forgetful, and, at times, almost victim-like. This wasn’t like him. For awhile, I was concerned for him. But then I became more concerned about me.
“How long will this last?” led to “I don’t want to be treated like this,” which led to “I don’t deserve this.” That led to “I don’t have to take this anymore!”
I started detaching myself, entertaining thoughts of escape. It became a big temptation that consumed several days a week. I stopped fighting for us in my mind. I was letting go, giving up. With each squabble and each let-down, I found myself drifting farther and farther away and hurting more and more.
It was the first time in our marriage that I considered leaving. It was a very strong temptation. Frankly I just wanted out. I needed relief.
We took a vacation to the beach in southern California, and I wondered how to tell him where I was. We bumped along through the week, and I felt so distant. He was in the same room, but I felt we’d grown miles apart. One day we took a trip to the zoo with the kids. As we got into the car, we had an argument, and that was the final straw. All the way home it was over for me. I’d had enough. I didn’t want this anymore.
After dinner I went for a walk on the beach to clear my head. As I walked toward the ocean, I noticed a really cool sandcastle that someone had built that day. It was fortified with thick little towers around it and stones and a moat. Someone spent a lot of time building it.
The tide was coming in. A wave lapped at the fortress that surrounded it, and suddenly I was riveted. For the next hour, I watched as wave after wave washed bits of the castle away. The fortress was the first to go. Then the waves methodically carved a hole in the back side of the castle I couldn’t see. Suddenly the top fell off, and the waves washed it away within minutes. Then a large wave swept up, and the rest of the castle split in half. My chest tightened, and I caught a sob. My eyes filled with tears as I realized that, to me, it was not a sandcastle disappearing but my own home.
I heard a whisper: “Are you gonna do this to your family?”
I wept as the tide completely wiped the sandcastle away, leaving only the stones that garnished the fortress. It was as if it had never existed. And I heard that still, small, but firm voice ask me again, “Are you going to do this to Brent? To your kids? Everything you’ve built will be for nothing. And for what?”
I looked up at the blurred stars through my tear-filled eyes. “No,” I decided, “No, I cannot do this. No! I will not leave.”
I listened to the waves crashing on the shore and gained a little strength.
“No, I will not do this to my husband. I will not destroy my family.”
The hurt still burned in my heart. But I decided to stay. And then I decided to recommit myself to loving my husband no matter what he was going through.
After that night I had to re-train my mind to think positively about Brent and our relationship. It took a couple weeks, but then I realized that he was hurting too. He was burnt out. He was empty, weary, and he needed me! So I reached out with a new attitude and started actively loving him again even though not much changed on his end at first. I loved him first out of compassion but then with fervency.
Then things began to change. He relaxed. Work seemed to ease up. We started laughing together. Twenty days after the sandcastle moment, he presented me with a beautiful little song that he had heard and thought it could be ours. This meant so much to me! It seemed that once I decided to stay, my recommitment encouraged him and lifted him out of the place he was in.
Think We, Not Me
As I look back, I realize that I let myself get really self-focused. It became more about me than we. And when times are tough, this is a recipe for failure.
That night on the beach reminded me of something else. After the sandcastle disappeared, I looked to my right and saw some large rocks that some condominiums were built upon. I realized that Brent and I had built our relationship on a strong foundation of trust, mutual respect, and unconditional love. We were undergoing some strong storms of life and had been pelted and worn down. But because our foundation was strong, we would not fail. Our life together would not disappear like a castle built on sand; it would stand the test of time.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" August 21st, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
Tags: law enforcement marriage, Marriage, police marriage, police wives, relationships
The thunder rumbled and the room lit up. She sighed heavily, leaning over to see that her husband was not in bed. And then she remembered where he was. Sadness. Anger. Grief.
She pulled herself from under the covers. She couldn’t sleep anyway. Between the physical storm that presently ripped through the sky, and the storm that had crashed in on their world just a few hours earlier, there was no peace in slumber. There was no peace anywhere.
She stumbled to her computer and that’s when she saw my message. Emotion bubbled up inside, and she replied, “There is no chapter in a book that prepared me for this…”
My mind went back to many years ago when I got a phone call. I just returned from a weekend away and was on cloud nine. But then I heard the words, “Cammie was in a plane crash… and died…”
My body was thrown to the floor like I’d been punched in the stomach. Pain gripped me from the inside out and hurled itself through my veins, and then out of my mouth in an incomprehensible scream.
Cammie was my best friend.
The next few days were a blur. I somehow showed up on the family’s doorstep one dark night. We watched the news together after barely talking. The story blared from the set, and they showed footage of the plane. Her sister started screaming, the reality of horror setting in. We consoled her, and cried with her. It was all too much for me.
I then went to a friend’s home who did not know Cammie. I stayed there for hours, crying, reminiscing, talking, and being silent. The guys in the house did nothing but listen. They didn’t know what to say, but that was fine. Their silence was sacred to me. And my healing began.
I learned this past year in chaplaincy training that there is a name for this: ministry of presence. We can provide comfort just by being present.
When the shock and grief hits head on like a Mack truck, there are no words. The body is reeling from shock and numb with pain, the mind is a jumbled mess of questions and rationalizations and disbelief, and the spirit is injured. The survivor simply can’t hear anything.
They don’t want to hear you’re sorry. Everybody says that.
They don’t need to hear the upside view of things. At this moment there is no bright perspective – their lives have been forever changed. They will resent your minimizing of their loss.
They don’t need someone to force them to eat. The body shuts down the need for food in the initial stages of shock and grief. They will eat eventually. Hand them a bottle of cold water instead.
They don’t need advice. Solutions will present themselves soon enough. Let the grief have its moments.
They don’t need you to pass judgment on how they grieve. Every person grieves differently.
They do need someone who will allow them to talk without interruption, cry as softly or loudly as need be, be silent and quiet as thoughts untangle, and to offer a comforting touch or hug if appropriate.
They do want to hear short positive memories or compliments of the person lost when appropriate.
They will appreciate happy photos of the deceased.
Then, after the funeral and burial have passed and the world moves on, they will appreciate your acknowledgement that you are still thinking about them, they are not alone, and they are not forgotten. Cards are best sent a month or two after the death. Flowers at Christmas in memory of the loss, or a tribute of some kind, or a phone call – it’s never too late to reach out to the survivor.
On the third of every month, my daughter (who lost a close friend on Super Bowl Sunday of this year) will come in and announce how long it’s been since Morgan died. We share a moment eye to eye, and I am silent to allow her to comment. Sometimes I give her a hug. Sometimes she’s quiet, sometimes she sheds a tear.
It’s all good.
Grief, in all its anguish, is a normal, natural part of life. It is not something to avoid, but to make time to embrace and work through unhurried. Our loved ones who pass away are worth it.
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" August 20th, 2013
Posted In: Uncategorized
Tags: Death of a Loved One, Fallen Officer, Grief, police
Take Time to Recover
The third stage is to take time to recover. Try to get some time off and get away for a change of scenery. Build positive memories. Take a break from extra-curricular activities that create more busyness. Make sure your family gets rest. If your relationship is at a relational deficit, then start making deposits.
This is also a good time to set some new boundaries relating to the issue. Perhaps you both need to stop spending time with friends who drink heavily and find other avenues for friendship. Maybe you both need to set some boundaries with activities that aggravate issues. Follow the avenues of healthy support. You also have the unique position to help him get the nourishment he needs through healthy meals and exercise. In fact, eating right and exercising are essential for his (and your) healing.
What I’m suggesting here is for the both of you. His crisis affects you in a huge way. Things you go through affect him as well because your lives are intertwined. You both need time to recover and to heal. In some cases it could be a lengthy road. You’ll need this time to remain patient while the problems are resolved.
Being Strong When We Feel Weak
Years ago the mentor I met with while a newlywed was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor. Debbie was given six months to live but died in five. During that time I too was dealing with internal hurts that needed healing. It was really tough. A wise friend of mine encouraged me to watch for what I could learn during this time. “Find purpose in the pain,” she said. I’d never done that before, and in the midst of it all, it seemed impossible.
But it wasn’t. With the help and support of my husband, eventually I viewed the end of Debbie’s life as a new beginning for me. Debbie had imparted a bit of her heart into mine, and this I could hold on to. Incredibly, the final piece of my healing was put into place through a conversation at her funeral. And although I miss her even now, in a way I keep Debbie alive as I carry forward what she taught me.
When you are going through painful seasons of life, challenge yourself. Try to find purpose amidst the pain. What can you learn? What can you carry forward? How can you have victory over what seems like defeat?
When life is topsy-turvy, we need to be held up by our foundations and support system (see chapters six and seven). There may be a tendency to withdraw when things are tough, but it is when we need others all the more. A timely phone call or a meal provided is very uplifting. You never know what kindnesses others will offer when you are in crisis.
As a person of faith, I turn to God for comfort. He has been my refuge and strength in the midst of some very hard times.
The last bit of help may just come from your own attitude. It may sound strange, but when you are going through tough times, be thankful. Sometimes you might have to start with being thankful your situation isn’t worse than it is! It may seem like your life is in shambles, but there is always something small (or large) to be thankful for. You will be surprised how being grateful will lift your spirits!
Victoria Newman - "A CHiP on My Shoulder" August 14th, 2013
Posted In: A CHiP on My Shoulder
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